The following is a translation of an ancient Egyptian text found in a crude clay pot buried long, long ago on the banks of the Nile. Carbon dating of the ink on the papyrus indicates that this was written sometime in the neighborhood of August 8, 2004 B.C., possibly at 3:15 in the afternoon.


I

In the land of Nile there were once five Great Men; and they said, "we shall build pyramids to bring glory and praise unto ourselves." The names of the five were Akhenaten Lee, Eric Ahmose, Josh Imhotep, Martin Roachmotep, and Gola-hap-shet.

Gola-hap-shet was the handsomest and most virile of the Great Men, and the favorite of the god Amun-Re. And Gola said unto Amun-Re "I shall sacrifice starlings and asses' milk to you, so that you will make my crops grow great and so that my women shall be fertile."

And the great god Amun-Re said unto Gola, "you do that."

And Gola-hap-shet bought a nice piece of land, one with two temples to the great god Amun-Re, and onto it he built a pyramid, and he coaxed the farmers into the field and did bid them plow.

His neighbor, Martin, built an equally great pyramid right next door, but he kept a broken chariot out in the yard, and he did not clip the reeds by the pyramid. The whole place looked like a pig sty, and Gola was ashamed to be his neighbor.

And at the time of harvest Gola-hap-shet sacrificed unto the god the starlings and asses' milk he had promised. But two of the other four Great Men were camel traders and cared not for crops, and a third was greedy for riches, and they did steal Gola's sacrifice, and the crop was crummy.

Gola-hap-shet then bought another piece of land, and he built a pyramid next to the first, and he coaxed more farmers into the field and did bid them plow. And Martin built another pyramid also, and this one was shabbier than the first. And at the time of harvest Gola sacrificed unto his god more starlings and his best asses' milk, and again the camel-herders stole his sacrifice, and again the crop was crummy.

Gola-hap-shet then bought his last piece of land, and the god Amun-Re spoke to him once more. "Gola-hap-shet, I bid you to buy land that has nine action cards, and you shall hire nine farmers to till your fields; if you do this for me I shall shower you with glory, but if you do not I shall smite you."

And Gola said unto Amun-Re "you are a day late and a dollar short, for I have already bought all the land I can own and there are not enough farms for nine farmers to till, and let's not even get started with the power cards."

And Amun-Re said unto Gola, "then you shall tell your grandchildren to do this for me, or I will smite them mightily, and knock down their houses, and slap their children."

And Gola said "I will tell them this thing."

And at the end of his days the Great Man Gola-hap-shet made a wondrous offering to Amun-Re, with more starlings and with sweeter asses' milk than he had ever done before; and, even though the camel traders stole from the offering, it was still pleasing to the god, and Gola got six points for his temples.

And the great God Amun-Re said unto Gola "for your devotion, I shall grant you three wishes."

And Gola thought long and hard, and he said to the God: "I would like three bricks with which to build another pyramid, so that I will have as many as Martin, and I shall be as great as he."

And the great God Amun-Re granted this wish, and Gola had as many pyramids as Martin, and equal glory. And Gola threw radishes at Martin's shabby pyramids, and put party hats on his mummies, and he did crap in Martin's weaving-hut. And Martin said "who has done this thing?" and he did go over to Gola's pyramid and knock on the door in anger, but Gola stayed inside and pretended not to be home.

And Gola did lead the Great Men in glory; Akhenaten Lee and Josh Imhotep had eleven twelfths as much glory as did Gola, and Martin Roachmotep had five sixths, and Eric Ahmose had only half as much, as he had shamed the gods with his foolish antics.

And then there was war and famine in the land, and the five Great Men died. The farmers were sent away from their fields, and their wives were tickled in an immodest manner, and the children were all slapped.


II

Now, tenscore years later, the grandchildren of the Great Men did grow up to be Great Men of their own. And they were named Eric Tutankhamen, Joe Golakhamen, Martin Notmuchinkhamen, Josh Noodlesramen, and Mighty Joeleephus.

Golakhamen was the grandson of Gola-hap-shet, and he was even more handsome and potent than his forebear. But Golakhamen was very poor, for Gola-hap-shet had spent all of his money on sacrifices and board games.

And Golakhamen wished to buy land, but he had to go looking for bargains. The other Great Men spent money freely on the pyramids built by his ancestor, but he could only afford land with one lousy pyramid. And afterwards Golakhamen was so poor that his sacrifice was small, and he could only offer one starling and some diet cola.

And Golakhamen became poorer still, and he tried to buy another piece of land with only one lousy pyramid, but wicked Joeleephus overbid Gola and got the land for cheap.

And Gola was pissed, and he did TP the pyramid of Joeleephus, and he did shave his camel, and he did lay with his woman and father many children, and he did crap in his weaving hut. And Joeleephus was mightily sore, and he did gnash his teeth and rend his garments and gird his loins with sackcloth. And he went over to Golakhamen's pyramid and knocked on the door in anger, but Gola's servant told Joeleephus that Gola had moved to Nineveh.

Now Gola was so poor he could not afford to sacrifice to the god Amun-Re, and he stole the offerings of others, and he did feel shame. The great god was angered by this insult, and a rain of frogs fell on Golakhamen's house, and locusts did eat his grain, and a second rain of frogs fell before Gola even had time to clean up the first.

And the god Amun-Re said to Gola, "you are cruising for a smiting."

And then Gola did buy one last plot of land, and he did fulfill the covenant of Amun-Re, and he did have nine farmers for his fields and nine power cards on his lands. He even did have a triplet of three pyramids, which he thought was pretty sweet, but the camel traders had more pyramids than they had mummies to put in them, and so they rented them out to teenagers for their band practice and other sundry purposes.

And then there was a final reckoning of glory, and Eric had 38 units of glory, whereas Joeleephus had 33, whereas Martin had 29, whereas Gola had 28, whereas Josh had only 21.

And Gola did climb to the highest mountain and call upon Amun-Re, and Amun-Re did come unto him.

And Gola said, "you are the crappiest god ever."

And Amun-Re did smite Gola in a way too horrible to describe, but suffice it to say that he was thinking back fondly on the time when his biggest problem was the rain of frogs, and his ass was bitten by jackals and his children were all slapped.

These events happened in the span of a millennium, though in the eyes of the great god Amun-Re it was as if it were only a moderate amount of time, say, one and three-quarters hours.