Anthony BoydellUnited Kingdom
Good day to you.
This week, in the bruised and swollen testicle that is my ‘sack of correspondence’, swim the spermatozoa of your questions – eagerly awaiting ejaculation into the ripe womb of my attention; to fuse, miraculously, with the wisdom of my opinion and, thus, conceive the foetus of comfort.
First off, a spunky missive from A of Gloucestershire:
”When playing King of Tokyo and trying to eat your supper at the same time, is it acceptable to redirect damage to your Ham & Eggs instead of your monster card?”
No, my dear, it is NOT acceptable. Mr Garfield spent a lot of time and effort designing the game and the rules are fairly clear about damage allocation. Aside from that, yolk consistency can play a major role in the relative strengths – runny being an ‘easier kill’ than ‘fried to the texture of putty’. It’s hardly fair that an inattentive chef leads to better in-game survivability, is it? What next if you follow this to it’s logical conclusion? Can I cook my cat using a Fireplace or Cooking Hearth so my animeeples can breed this Harvest? When buying a train in 1825 can I go an buy a REAL train, shunt it into the playing area and obsolete other players? Now – if you don’t want those last few chips, can I have them?
Now, a query from the metaphorical wet patch (Tony of Newent):
“Some of the people in my gaming group been playing a lot of The Resistance, Dominion and 7 Wonders. Is a preoccupation with card-based games like this a strong sign of masturbatory tendencies? Should I be worried? If so, which wipe-clean fabric would you recommend?”
A preference for excessive shuffling does not, in and of itself, mean you’re socialising with a rabid band of johnson-pumping, screw-eyed self-fornicators – though if they persist and take up tournament Nightfall, you probably need to carve yourself a lino boilersuit or, perhaps, a charming laminate waistcoat and waxed cotton plus-fours.
Next, I received a seminal challenge from Antoine, Garcon de la vallee:
“Oi, tu es une grande tante! Bonjour et j’espere qui votre herpes il est defunt! S’il vous plait profferer avec moi le secret de votre jeunesse et comment jouer Le Reseau du Courrant et ganger”
But certainly Antoine – my French is a little rusty, but I can see you’re having a terrible time with Mr Friese’ classic. There are only a few tips – but if you follow them, you will find a new world of Elektro-based victory opening (like a pliant cervix) before you: a) buy the right stations, b) power cities to earn money and c) power more cities than everyone else at game end. Simple and elegant. Subtle and complete. Trite and patronizing. On no account spend too much money building too quickly and then wilting, like a spent phallus after vigorous (but disappointingly quick) coitus – you’ll only hand the game to Karl and his rhythm method.
Finally, the ever-popular theological Bukkake that is ‘Thought for the Day’. This week Cardinal Stephen Dudley-Tzinns:
“The Lord, isn’t he, like a couple of rounds of Paris Connection is. From winsome origins to a resplendent over-produced resurrection - who amongst you could recite the Parable of the Prodigal Train? Let he who is without shares take the first Lot! And I sayeth unto you that it is easier for Camels to pass through the desert than for Richard Garfield to enter Heaven! Repent, for the end of the evening is nigh – haven’t you got homes to go to?”
If YOU have any questions for Auntie Boydell, or would like to offer a short message in our Thought for the Day, then please contact us via email@example.com with the subject line: ‘Jismic Correspondence’