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Michael Dorosh
Canada
Calgary
Alberta
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For those who don't remember Sjöberg's column in Wired (this is it), here's the analysis of gamers on a forum. Just change the fantasy world terms to those of World War II, and it also fits the wargamers subdomain like a glove. See if you can match your favourite members to the categories here, and then see if you agree with the ones I've added below. Feel free to add some of the ones you think I've missed in the comments section.
Complainers of the World Unite
by Lore Sjöberg 11.15.06 | 2:00 AM
If you play an online game that you enjoy, there's one surefire way to spoil the experience: read the forums on the official site. There you will find a vast underworld of lost souls keening their misery onto your screen. A game you thought was entertaining, well-balanced and attractive will be torn apart before your very eyes and pronounced lacking in every conceivable way.
It doesn't matter that the complainers spend as much time on the game as you do, and probably more. While they may disagree on the nature of the flaws, they are united in agreement that whatever those flaws may be, they are unforgivable.
Herewith then, a guide to the deranged, degraded inhabitants of the forums. You cannot defeat them, they provide precious little experience, but if they get their claws on you, they may turn you into one of their own.
The Power Craver
Wants only one thing -- more power with less effort. Any downgrade in power is infuriating. Any upgrade is insufficient.
Sample Quote: "I can't believe they nerfed the pillar of lava spell! How am I supposed to kill twelve ogres at once now?"
Punishment: Forced to admit that no matter how powerful in the game, still works as a cashier at Kroger in real life.
The Magical Realist
Doesn't understand what a "game" is. Constantly makes arguments based on what would be "realistic," even if the game is set in a fantasy world run by wizards and pixies.
Sample Quote: "You can't tell me a Mondlagarian Tiger Warrior is stronger than a Swamp Troll. That just doesn't make sense!"
Punishment: Sent back to kindergarten for remedial make-believe classes.
The Majority Stockholder
Seems to believe that $15 a month buys you a seat on the board of directors. Doesn't realize that a hundred thousand other people are ponying up the same amount.
Sample Quote: "I've e-mailed the developers several times telling them that Fire Paladins should have the axe-throwing skill. They haven't changed it, but they're still taking my money!."
Punishment: Forced to work customer service for an online game company.
The Emancipator
Sees the game as a titanic struggle between the evil expressive developers and the poor, downtrodden gamers. The evidence? Every rule and limitation in the game.
Sample Quote: "I don't see why I have to complete quests to get epic weapons! If I want my second-level Bumblefur Bard to wield the Deathsword of Arat'rak'k'k'k, that's my right! Quit telling me how to play!"
Punishment: Sent to Sudan to experience first-hand what oppression actually feels like.
The Eternal Quitter
Just comes on the forum to let everyone know he's quitting for good and to spend a dozen paragraphs explaining why. Then does it again three months later.
Sample Quote: "For real, this time."
Punishment: Forced to actually quit.
One-Issue Poster
Only has one complaint, but posts about it 15 times a day. This is because nobody else cares.
Sample Quote: "THE LAVENDER STARBELT IS ACTUALLY PERIWINKLE!!!! WHY DON'T THEY FIX THIS??!!!?!"
Punishment: Lavender Starbelt changed to lilac.
The Lifestyler
Wants a bunch of cosmetic changes to a single type of character. Exhibits an eerie level of identification with said character.
Sample Quote: "The Pastry Elves' laugh should be less bubbly and more tinkly. Our giggle should remind you of gazing at the stars as a child, and our smile should make you think of the taste of honey on a cool spring morning."
Punishment: Character icon replaced with accurate photograph of self.
The Deathmonger
Main complaint about the game is that you can't kill everything. Secondary complaint is that the things you can kill don't suffer enough.
Sample Quote: "Why can't I make the baker watch me kill his wife and child, then force-feed their flesh to him until his stomach bursts? What is this, Barbie's Horse Adventure?"
Punishment: To be determined, pending DNA analysis of freezer contents.
Some of the more common ones in tactical wargaming communities:
The Ubermensch
Continual dissertations on the superiority of German equipment and complaints of the "undermodeling" of such things in the game as "German initiative", "German ingenuity", "German tactical innovation" and "German superiority" leading to continued calls for major changes to game mechanics in order to reflect his warped understanding of reality.
Sample Quote: "The StuG III gun mantlet was actually 2mm thicker - this game is horribly, horribly broken."
Sample Response: "Umm...according to Glantz, the figures are fine, and if you use the StuG IIIG(L) the numbers you cite are modeled."
Sample Counter-response: "Oh. Well, ok, but I still lose. So the game must still be wrong."
Punishment: Take away his comic books and make him read all those histories in which the Germans, you know, lose battles thanks to Allied soldiers exercising initiative, ingenuity, tactical innovation and local battlefield superiority.
The GROFAZ
Imagines himself to be the greatest field general alive; uses his experiences on the various gaming ladders to pad his "resume" and piles his signature line full of imaginary medals and references to trophies that don't exist. Pounces on all newcomers to the boards with offers of friendly games using the same tired set-up file he keeps on his hard drive. Writes boring "how to" articles with tactical advice such as "don't drive your tanks into anti-tank fire." Would have been a con-man in the real world if he hadn't lost both his ankles in a saw-mill.
Sample Quote: "Of course I'll play you. I love this game. But it has to be a meeting engagement, June 1944, average hills, light woods, I take Russian, overcast, no guns larger than 75mm, any region but Finland, Central or Northern Russia, any Axis forces except Waffen SS, Hungarian, Luftwaffe, Romanian or Italian, Regular quality or lower ok. Oh, and no rain or wind. But I'm up for anything."
Punishment: Make him play an actual pre-designed scenario some-time.
The Vendetta Seeker
He's the guy who only has one thing to complain about: everything (name the developer or publisher) has ever done. The inside of the jewel case was the wrong colour, the font on the disclaimer notice was incorrect, and when the mailman dropped the hard goods delivery of Combat Mission: Barbarossa to Berlin and scuffed the envelope, that was battlefront.com's fault too. Bombards every forum even remotely related to the topic with his negative vitriol. The guys who make Flames of War are tired of banning him.
Sample Quote: "Oh, NHL 2013 is going to have live recordings of actual arena noise? You EA guys have it good. Let me tell you what that rat-face Eric over at Matrix did to screw over Panzer Command..."
Punishment: Not responding to his posts is generally the worst thing you can do to him. Even worse: lavish "rat-face" with praise in front of him. It'll kill Vendetta Seeker.
The Schizo
Maybe he worked a steamroller in the Seabees and the mods got tired of his wonderful "advice" about how to drive a Sherman tank, maybe he's an unemployed coal miner's daughter who just didn't realize no one cared about her stunning screenshots and obnoxious self-inflated personal challenges, or maybe he just plain never learned to play nice with others, but after he was banned, his obsession led him to re-enlist on the forum. Again. And again. And again. But instead of just posting like a normal human, his massive ego coupled with his distinctive posting style simply tells you that - yep - "he's baaaa-aaaaack", and you can usually pick him out within five posts.
Sample Quote: Hard to nail down. The smarter ones at least pretend to talk with a lisp or something.
Punishment: Visiting his house and ringing the doorbell. Fifty times a day.
The Graduate Tycoon
Has all the answers when it comes to proposing new paradigms for a wargame company's business model. Can't understand why no one will just put his ideas into practice and is convinced any game company who doesn't do exactly as he says is doomed based on what he sees out in the world. Sees no rational explanation for anyone else's comments.
Sample Quote: "If you call me Chicken Little one more time, I'm going to the moderators."
Bonus Sample Quote: "That game should be in print 365 days a year. Cost is no object - they just have to sell it out and they'll make their money back. It's a no-brainer."
Punishment: Get him to pony up all the investment cash he can muster and put it where his mouth is.
The Lurker
Misguided dude who works for a living, plays a little Red Orchestra or Battlefield 3 on weekends, and expects to see nothing more than a few posts on the forum once a week actually talking about the game. Too embarrassed by childish crosstalk to actually post most of the time.
Sample Quote: "Anyone up for a game? Email in profile."
Punishment: Immediate banning.
The Schizoid Man
He's the Majority Stockholder who alternates between lambasting his favourite target at every opportunity and then being the first post of praise in every announcement thread. Can't figure out if he loves them or hates them.
Sample Quote: "Thanks for the great updates! The new patch works great!"
Sample Follow-Up Quote Immediately After: "But why doesn't cover work like it is supposed to?"
Punishment: Extensive genital-focused shock therapy.
The Wistful Nostalgia Artist
Sort of the way Dad told you about that trip to school in the snow, you just know from listening to this guy that tactical games aren't the same now as when Panzer Leader came out, or worse, when he was playing Tank Pong on his Atari 2600 or Computer Ambush on his Commodore. Scenarios were shorter yet more brutal. The interweb was almost brand new. They're good yarns, but be careful when he starts trying to remember rules or give advice, cause he's a little out of practice...
Sample Quote: "We refreshed that d**n board so much, we actually broke it. HAHA what a night!"
Punishment: Send him a powerpoint of your last vacation.
The Dillard
Dull and plodding; not funny enough to be the class clown, not interesting enough to capture anyone's attention; not controversial enough to get anyone mad at him, his only contributions are the occasional wisecracks and one-liners that generally pass un-noticed amidst general embarrassment like a poorly timed bodily function in a crowded room while others uncomfortably attempt to shift conversation around him. Messes up punchlines and too insecure to use exclamation marks. Sometimes too obscure to even register on anyone's radar, he's like a stand-up comedian who's too scared to take the training wheels off. A boring dilettante. A "dillard."
Sample Quote: "Then the chicken crossed the road to get to the other side..."
Punishment: Making him come back in six months and read his own posts. All of them.
The British Style Intellectual
He's not there to talk about something so pedantic as a silly kid's video game; he's there to showcase his incredibly expensive education, and using a style of writing that just drips with a presumed "my school tie is so much smarter than you'll ever be" accent. Pity the dude was born in Lancaster, Pennsylvania. No matter, he will expound on any subject in no less than five 10,000 word paragraphs, all of them completely uncited, using language so dense that you need a master's degree in knot tying to figure them out before even attempting to discuss with him. Which would be a mistake in any event, since unless you choose to agree with everything he says, he'll either beat you to death with your own words, dismiss you as a fool, or simply ignore everything you say as if it was crushingly unimportant.
Sample Sentence: "I shall not argue against using machine guns on both flanks from the supposed impossibility of infinite succession, barely and absolutely considered in itself; for a reason which shall be mentioned hereafter: but if we consider such an infinite progression, as one entire endless series of tactical progressions can have no cause from without, of its existence; because in it are supposed to be included all tactical equations that are or ever were in the initial commander's briefing: and it is plain it can have no reason within itself, of its importance to the whole; because no one weapon in this infinite succession is supposed to be self-sustaining or necessary (which is the only ground or reason of existence of any weapon position, that can be imagined within the tactical grid itself, as with presently more fully appear), but every one dependent on the whole: and where no part is necessary; to manifest the whole cannot be necessary; absolute necessity of existence, not being an outward, relative, and accidental determination; but an inward and essential property of the nature of the operational objective which so exists."
Punishment: Dropping the Oxford English Dictionary on his wrists until they swell.
The Player
A weird form of lurker, he's the guy who posts on the forum semi-regularly, but talks about the game, and nothing else. Like the fellow in the Army who goes to the mess and talks shop, you want to look down on him, but can't find a legitimate reason for doing so. May tend to complain about the tone of the forum in general, but they're so used to ignoring the thousands of off-topic posts, that the harsh reaction to their complaints also gets lost in what to them is a miasma of noise.
Sample Quote: "Can someone clarify whether or not there is actually a cover bonus in Brush because I had a panicked AFV crew in some the other day and I have no idea if they received a bonus for the terrain. Thanks in advance."
Punishment: If they don't get beaten down by the fact that their meek posts will certainly draw little attention and leave of their own volition, their skin is so thick there is no punishment that can possibly be meted out to them that would have an effect.
The Ad-Man
Subtle references to his own sizeable collection, victories and scenario/variant designs abound. Generally posted by guys who are too lazy or unskilled to create their own websites, or whose sites just plain suck. If you can detect some new mangling of the spelling of "package", odds are, you've found a desperate Ad-Man. Other signs are their stubborn unwillingness to invest in a ten dollar domain name.
Sample Quote: "Yeah, I really think the new Okinawa movie is going to be a hoot. Reminds me of the All Axis Anti-Tank Gun Battle PaK (get it? Ha HA) I put together - still on my website at angelfire.monkeynuts/yoohooshortcake77.CombatPLANZ give it a try you won't be sorry."
Punishment: making him actually playtest his own masterpieces.
The Very Excited Man-Child
Too shameless to bother with subtle references to his own collection, he's the fellow who posts loud and proud about how he is PREORDER ORDERER NUMBER ONE whenever a new game is announced. He doesn't even have the shrink wrap off before he's posted to tell the forum that THE GAME HAS ARRIVED. Which is funny, because he already has the complete set of microbadges and ownership of the game listed in his profile. A week later he has three AARs posted - how he taught the dog to play so fast, you don't ask. Is somehow convinced that having a credit card and the ability to wield it faster than others is a super-power. Also convinced everyone else is competing with him in the "I ordered it first" race.
Sample Quote: "I JUST PREORDERED NAPOLEON'S HORSE so TAKE THAT!"
Punishment: Make the mailman walk past his house during delivery route. It'll drive VEMC buggy. Don't forget to superglue the envelope to the box. And as he's in the middle of posting his triumphant I JUST GOT THE GAME announcement - internet outage. During which someone else "scoops" him.
The Centre of the Universe
Convinced that the existence of the forum is centred on his erudite gafflebab, posts long and excruciating rounds of minutia in order to hear himself talk. No subject is left untouched by his tender mercies. The ends justify the means, and any questioning of his judgement is taken by him as an affront and the moderators are quick to hear about any imagined slight.
Sample Quote: "Convinced that the existence of the forum is centred on his erudite gafflebab..."
Punishment: Ban all Canadians from the Internet.
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