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The poetic saga of a chess game gone horribly wrong.
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Posted Fri Aug 25, 2006 6:04 am
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1.
Board Game: Chess
[Average Rating:7.05 Overall Rank:218]
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This is a tale of a game you've all played,
But this game became a bit carried away.
It started out simple, a nice game of chess
But chess should be elegant; this was a mess!
The white King was anxious; he said to the Queen:
"Our position is poor; our opponent is mean.
We're down on material, nearing the crux,
Our offense is stymied, our pawn structure sucks..."
"We'll need some assistance," the Queen interrupted.
"I hope you don't mind if the game is corrupted,
but seeing the board, we have no other choice,"
And saying this much, the Queen lifted her voice...
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...and called out a signal, a strange singing sound.
The Black Queen, she winced, and the black bishops frowned.
A few seconds later, all painted in green,
Six Carcassonne Meeples arrived on the scene.
"Your highness," they said, bowing deep with respect.
"We owe you our lives from the war in Utrecht.
We've waited and watched for your royal proposal:
The Meeples of France are now at your disposal!"
"I want you to storm the opposing left flank,"
said the Queen, then she paused. "I'll be perfectly frank:
"A few of you may not survive 'til the dawn."
"No matter!" they cried. "We are each but your pawn!"
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3.
Board Game: El Grande
[Average Rating:8.02 Overall Rank:9]
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The Black King was outraged. "And so it begins.
The Whites will incite us to mimic their sins,
And so, though it's shocking, alarming, abusrd --
It's time that we called on our own stock reserves."
So saying, he signalled, and summoned from Spain
Sixteen caballeros back from the campaign.
"Majorities don't concern me in the least:
"I want you to render those Meeples deceased!"
The White King said: "Trouble!," and tugged on his sleeves.
"Our Meeples are lumberjacks, farmers and thieves.
They're no match for soldiers. They'll all be unnerved!"
"I thought this might happen," the White Queen observed.
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"That's why we have backup, and here he comes now."
And that's when a ship appeared off the port bow.
Blackbeard himself, having left Pirate's Cove,
Had sailed to the chessboard and cried out "By Jove!
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"I'll keelhaul those Spaniards, it's what I do best!"
With an "Arrrrrrrggh!" he pulled two pistols out of vest...
...and fell over dead, with a pick in his eye.
A Shadow Dwarf grinned. "Hey Black Queen! I'm your guy!"
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6.
Board Game: Jambo
[Average Rating:7.24 Overall Rank:147]
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"The Blacks opened Silberzwerg? What a disgrace!"
The White Queen cried: "We'll put those dwarves in their place.
Open up Jambo and let loose the snake!"
They did, and it gulped down the dwarf in one take.
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7.
Board Game: Ark
[Average Rating:6.43 Overall Rank:844]
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"I need more reserves!" cried the Black King, "and hurry!"
And Jesters from Florence lined up in a flurry
But black's new recruits were soon over and done,
By a hedgehog from Ark with a Ca$h-n-Gun$ gun.
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The battle soon spread, as it raged on and on,
From Marklin to Ys, from San Juan to Catan
Pandora of Borg shook her head at this pox.
"You silly chess pieces, you've opened my Box."
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But the Kings and the Queens didn't listen, the fools.
Quite willing they were to use others as tools.
As Beowulf fell to a swarm of stink beans,
The Black leaders grimaced: "It's time to get mean."
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10.
Board Game: Chess
[Average Rating:7.05 Overall Rank:218]
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The White Queen surveyed how the chessboard now looked
"Our goose looks more healthy, not nearly so cooked.
The board is a mess, but we do what we can.
With this silliness over, it's back to the plan..."
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But she stopped and went pale (turning whiter than white)
For she saw a most horrible multi-hued sight.
A vast Rainbow Dragon soared high overhead.
"They've opened up Dragonstones! Gods, we're so dead."
The dragon swooped low and breathed fire red hot.
Pawns, knights and bishops were fried on the spot.
The Black King, he gloated, the White King, he quailed.
"Oh dear," he said sadly. "My Queen, have we failed?"
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The battle raged on, and the chessboard was choked
With slain Urland Ichtos and Techno Witch smoke;
It was Troll versus Caesar, and Lord versus Rings,
Was Huginn v. Muninn and Kings versus Things.
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13.
Board Game: Ra
[Average Rating:7.76 Overall Rank:25]
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But before the Black Queen could declare "mate in seven,"
The solar god Ra wafted down from the heavens.
"Enough of this nonsense! What gives with the fightin'?
This checkered field here is a chessboard, not Titan!
"Now all of you: Scram! Go on back to your shelves
And you, Kings and Queens, be ashamed of yourselves!
Chess is a game that is abstract and pure,
But what you have here is a Chaos World Tour."
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14.
Board Game: Chess
[Average Rating:7.05 Overall Rank:218]
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And faced with the wrath of Knizia's God,
The board was soon cleared, leaving trampled-down sod.
The two Kings and Queens, all alone, did concede:
A stalemate was all they could claim for their greed.
The End.
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Posted Fri Aug 25, 2006 6:04 am
Have I metioned, by the way, how utterly mesmerizing your Avatar is?
-Dorian