Irrational Hatred: A Guide for the Beginning Geek (please add)
T. B.
United States
Albuquerque
New Mexico
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So, you've found your way to the Geek, and are completely bowled over by the wonders contained herein: an entry on nearly every boardgame ever made! With reviews and strategy aids! Endless pictures of people enjoying the same games you do, some of them even girls! And so many wonderful lists!

You think, perhaps, you'd like to become an active member of this community. So, you rate your collection, you assemble a few largely ignored geeklists of games that you played over various weekends with your brother, you place a few tentative comments in the forums. Warm fuzzies abound as you celebrate your hobby with like minded people from all over the world who love boardgaming as much as you!

Hold it right there, bucko.

Let's get one things straight, right now. It doesn't matter how many close-up photos of game boards you post, or how many helpful suggestions you give to people looking for a two player game that they can play with their wife, you're not going to get anywhere in this community until you do the one thing that TRULY unites all of us:

Pick something to hate. An entire classification of game. And hate it fervently, dogmatically, above all, irrationally. Every chance you get, paint it with broad, violent, garish, strokes, and generalize, generalize, generalize!

Here's a rough guide for the beginner. Now, I'm pretty much a beginner myself, so, after posting what I've learned already, I'm reaching out to the commuity to help me with this one. Tell us what we can hate, and tell us how.
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26. Board Game: Euchre [Average Rating:6.75 Overall Rank:1009]
Bill Abner
United States
Johnstown
Ohio
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Hate. Pure and to the core of my being hate. Every holiday at the Inlaws. EUCHRE. Nothing BUT Euchre. Over. And Over. And over again. If there is a Hell, I am certain it is full of people playing Euchre while listening to Barry Manilow.
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27. Board Game: Unpublished Prototype [Average Rating:7.02 Overall Rank:1554]
Kevin Heckman
United States
California
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"What makes a man turn neutral? Lust for gold? Power? Or were you just born with a heart full of neutrality?"
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Unreleased Games

Definitely an intermediate/advanced technique. Despite the fact that you have only heard a third-generation explanation of the pre-playtesting rules, you are morally convinced that this game will be terrible. The theme is nonsensical or pasted-on, it is ridiculously over- or under-produced, overpriced, and the mechanics manage to be both a carbon-copy of superior games' while also being hopelessly broken.

Here's a possible approach:
1. Pull up a list of everything with the not-yet-released tag.
2. Find the game with the most forum posts.
3. Start making vaguely dismissive comments, like "*yawn*".
4. Gradually introduce the above criticisms.
5. Dismiss evidence that the game might turn out well (e.g., the company's or designer's past successes, sneak previews at cons) as "hopelessly anecdotal."
5. In a cheerful, helpful tone, begin offering fixes and houserules to the game's unpublished rulebook.
7. Accuse anyone criticizing you of being a rabid fanboys, sheep, or both.
8. Back off until the furor dies down slightly.
9. Go to step #3.

Pros

- No one can prove you wrong! The game isn't out yet, and it may very well turn out to be awful.

- If the game is great and/or popular, then you may take refuge in the claim that it is a terrible game for you, and if other people like to play terrible games, that is their problem. But, if the game turns out to be horrible and/or widely panned, then in future discussions, you may constantly reference this specific prerelease hatred as evidence of your shrewd insight into all games, ever.

Cons

- Although nobody can prove you wrong, you can also not ever be proven right, for the exact same reasons.
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28. Board Game: 1650 more Questions & Answers for use with Trivial Pursuit: Set I, Group II [Average Rating:3.33 Unranked] [Average Rating:3.33 Unranked]
Gary Webster
United States
Littleton
CO
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Trivia Games
Have you noticed that when you go into your (formerly) favorite game store that the big shelf on the left, where you used to find Puerto Rico and Torres and other REAL games, is now occupied by two types of games (and by various types of jigsaw puzzles, but that's not the point here). The first type is *%#$$*!OPOLY, which takes up a good third of the shelves, and we know what that does to our brains. The second type is -- TRIVIA GAMES!! There's Harry Potter trivia and LOTR trivia and, hell, I don't know, Brady Bunch trivia and Camelot trivia and f-*&ing "American Idol" trivia. Will the madness ever end!?!!

No.

Pros: You're kidding, right? OK, you can get a bunch of people together to play one of these turkeys, and hopefully get 'em drunk enough to go through their pockets later.

Cons: Well, there's always the know-it-all, who not only can answer every f-*%ing question offered (he really goes home and studies them, the cheater!), but crows in your face as he struts around the game board, collecting pie pieces or whatever is needed to win. Playing one of these is like going to, I don't know, comparative religions class and getting marked down for mixing Shinto and Confucianism on some obscure issue, like the tea ceremony.

Ohh, you want hate? You got hate!!! HaHaHaHaHa!!

(Oh, thank you, what a nice jacket. Really long sleeves and a pretty belt in the back...)
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29. Board Game: Skeletons in the Closet [Average Rating:3.67 Unranked]
Jojo Conwell
United States
Houston
Texas
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PEOPLE WHO HATE ALL BOARDGAMES

I know its not a game, but you have to wonder what kind of Skeletons these people have in their closets.

Just how bad can a kids experience with Monopoly be?

Maybe some of these ppl will not admit to 'hating' them, but they are not willing to try any.
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30. Board Game: The Count of Carcassonne [Average Rating:5.94 Unranked] [Average Rating:5.94 Unranked]
Donald Dennis
United States
Pawleys Island
South Carolina
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Expansions for, or redevelopments of the Games You Love
If they couldn't get it right the first time, why the heck should I buy some patch and hope they got it right the second... or third... or twenty eighth time.

Pros: Sure, the more expansions there are for a game, the more popular that game must be. Heck, each time Shetlands of Kayland has a new expansion, it's a bonanza of advertising for that game you hold near and dear.

Cons: Someone is going to give you that dratted expansion for the game you like, maybe for your birthday, maybe for a seasonal holiday, or perhaps just because you are sooooo cool. Then they are going to want to play the expansion with ya. Over and over again. And ask you how you like the frikken thing every time you pull out the game. And if you don't express unending love for it, no more gifts from them ever again.

Something of an advanced technique of hatred, because you have to be careful or people will think you hate the core game you are just defending from the taint of expansions/redevelopment.
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31. Board Game: Warhammer [Average Rating:6.66 Overall Rank:1028]
Martin Stever
United States
Bainbridge Island
Washington
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Any game that involves a craft, HATE IT! Ever since we graduated from the 6th grade, we've avoided art. We use the left side of our brains. Painters, guys who like to flock their maps so they're a little more realistic, anyone who < cough, cough > customizes their figs, those people are right brainers. So any game that calls for drawing, molding, painting, priming, or flocking is a complete and total waste of time.

Unless of course we can use the armies you've painted.
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32. Board Game: Cranium [Average Rating:5.74 Overall Rank:4164]
Martin Stever
United States
Bainbridge Island
Washington
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We hate games that are popular! While we talk about spreading games to the unwashed masses and about how we'd like games to be bigger than movies, the truth is we prefer to remain members of an elite, over educated, snobbish club of pseudo-intellectuals. Any game that is overly popular is a threat to our relative positions inside our small cultural niche. Any game that's popular with civilians might topple the delicate pedestal upon which we've raised ourselves.
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33. Board Game: Warhammer [Average Rating:6.66 Overall Rank:1028]
john davidson
Scotland
Edinburgh
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I hate, loath, detest, despise and disparage all things made by the Evil Empire known as Games Workshop.

It is easy to denigrate the games.

To wit...

Roll a bucket of d6
Check the table
throwaway anything that isn't a 6.
Roll another d6 fro every 6 you scored last time
Check another table
Your opponent rolls a d6.
They check a table.
"I save"
"No you don't - you only roll a 2 - you save on 5 or 6"
"No I have a helm of great magnitude"
"So? That's only a +1."
"And my wizard/librarian casta spell of protection"
"that's another 1"
"He's a half-grotling - so counts as a small target - that's another +1"
"How can a half-grottling wear a Helm of Magnitude? He'd get at least -2 for not being able to see and you can forget being a small target with that on his head"
"No - I read a battle report in White Dwarf - It's allowed"

Then pull out five copies of white dwarf, roll them up together and beat your opponent to death.


Buy White Dwarf
That killer figure you bought last week ?
It has a new enemy.
Space Slobs get +2 against your Tyrannid Slave Master, even if he is using the additional elector-whips you spotted in last months copy.

Buy new figures
"ahahahah"
"what?"
"Are those plastic wombles from the 1st edition of Space Marine?"
"yeh"
"They look like dorks with machineguns. What scale is that supposed to be?"
"25mm"
"Best use em for armoured halflings then - real Space Marines are in 30mm these days"

The players

It used to be that you could just point and laugh at the teenage kids as they traipsed in and out of the shops, licking paint-brushes and asking if the latest figure really costs six months wages in Burger King.
But now the semi-serious wargamers are playing WAB so you get to tease them something proper about how, now that they have real figures, wouldn't they like to play a real wargame - like SLIMS.
At least they have enough dice.



Haven't tried this in here tho...I'm guessing fish and barrels.

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34. Board Game: Pirate's Cove [Average Rating:6.62 Overall Rank:771]
Bruce Glassco
United States
Charlottesville
Virginia
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Games that require telepathy

Let's see: That island has the biggest treasure, so I should go there. But Bob's ship is bigger than mine, so he'll be guarding the treasure. I should upgrade my ship -- maybe I'll go to the sailmaker. But Mary would guess that I'm going there, so I should fool her by going someplace she wouldn't expect. Oh, it doesn't matter, I'll just get creamed no matter where I go.
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35. Board Game: Zombie Rally [Average Rating:5.50 Overall Rank:9194]
Phil Schl

Nebraska
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Using the Zombie theme and an excuse for a crappy game.

Inside of the design studio (aka Renaldo's basement)

Renaldo: hey guys . the figures came back on our playtestings. It looks like nobody likes the utter randomness, the ludacris dependency on dice rolls, or how the game can end up taking 3 hours when the concept is really only fun for about 15 minutes.

Renaldo's lackey: Oh dude, that blows. What could we ever do?

Renaldo: Slap a zombie theme on it and send it to the publishers. people will eat it up.

Renaldo's lackey: you're right, we can just say that the sluggish gameplay is a simulation of an actual zombie encounter!

Renaldo: Yup, I'm brilliant.

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36. Board Game: Magic: The Gathering [Average Rating:7.44 Overall Rank:125]
Ken K
United States
Louisville
Kentucky
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Let us not forget one of the Four Horseman of the Gaming Apocalypse-- the most hated of loathed...

The Collectible.

Oh, sure, I'll happily spend hundreds of dollars for a stack of stand-alone games that gather dust in my closet, but they only cost me that 40 bucks once... not one $4 booster pack at a time. I say 'NO THANKS' to your high quality cards and pre-painted minis; give me a box of 60 wooden cubes in 5 colors and cardstock so I know exactly what I'm getting. You call it trading and collecting and deck-building, I call it a greedy corporate squeeze on my wallet!

I'm petitioning my local library to start a CCG library so I can build any deck I want without giving a penny to Wizards of the Crack and their fat-cat ilk.

Stick it in your eye, capitalism!

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37. Board Game: Poker [Average Rating:6.71 Overall Rank:678]
Chad Carlton
United States
Rochester
New York
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Other movies available :P
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Poker Chip Replacements

Most BGG'rs don't have a problem using the original game parts, so you being a "Always use the original Game parts/Hate the chips" fundamentalist can be a safe bet for the new BGG'r...

PROS:
Hating the poker chip will definitely raise your "Game Purist" faction here @ bgg. You'll enjoy games the way they were published to play. Most people won't mind, so win-win.

CONS:
PRO poker chip replacers will talk about speeding up play, and durability (especially with paper type items). As the owner of a powergrid bill that has a very easily recognized 'bite mark' out of it, it's sometimes better to use something that is more easily replaceable like a poker chip.


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38. Board Game: Pirates of the Spanish Main [Average Rating:5.98 Overall Rank:2794] [Average Rating:5.98 Unranked]
Jordan Kruis
United States
Las Cruces
New Mexico
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Constructable Strategy Games
You see these in the store, they look cutedevil. You buy a couple packs and... BANG! you're sucked into a vortex of evil! You open the pack and start punching out the stupid pieces of plastic that the credit card companies rejected; looking at the directions you see that there are 3 "easy" steps to put it together, 20 sub-steps for each and about 5 million ways to do it wrong. As if that weren't bad enough the pieces won't fit together and (after breaking several pieces) you get a nail file to file down the edges so they'll fit together. Finally, after you've wasted 3 whole days on putting together a fleet that looks like it's been through battles, storms, Hiroshima, and a debate between Obama and Clinton you get to actually playing the game and you realize that it's absolutely stupid. After that you find out that you have a super-duper-ultra-maximum rare ship and you think to yourself "Great! at least at can get some money out of this." but NO, because you punched it out and put it together it is worth absolutely nothing!
Then you go back to the store and see if it goes better the second time.

Pros: I got nothi' wait--they're cheap. Still not worth it but cheap nontheless.

Cons: Reread above.
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39. Board Game: Battlestar Galactica [Average Rating:7.83 Overall Rank:29]
Skarsnik Larsen
Sweden
Farsta
Sverige
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The weakest link in the chain (or why players with no sense of personality should play BSG)

So you sit down for a nice 6-player game of BSG on a random convention, its a game you love and come to regard highly as a fine game of politics and metagaming. You get that "yer not a cylon" card and starts investigating the other players inside out. You instantly spot the two Cylons whose pokerfaces are nonexistant at best and their actions speaks for themselves and start to plot but then! BANG! The other humans proved to be worthless personalityreaders and throws you and the only other decent guy into the brig where you will spend the rest of the game brooding in silent hatred due to your teammates incompetense...

No matter how good you are at gaming the fact is in any teamplayer game that someone around the table is bound to suck..thumbsdownshake
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