Geeks Gone Wild! Cheap Skinflicks Based On Your Favourite Games
David Chapman
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Not too long ago, a BGG user posted a Geeklist about movies which could be adapted into games. I was considering creating a counter-list of games which should be adapted into movies when a thought struck me. While it would be nice to see a Betrayal at House on the Hill movie leaping up the box office charts, any breakthrough of boardgames into mainstream culture would inevitably lead to a flood of softcore porno spoofs, probably with the word "Erotic" crowbarred into the title and all of which would star Misty Mundae. With enough success, the hardcore versions would follow and Geeks everywhere would be labelled as deviants for all eternity.

Of course, that doesn't mean we shouldn't try to get boardgaming into theatres across the globe ... but we must be clever. The people who make these knockoffs don't have the money to fight a copyright case. Therefore, we should forestall them by generating as many ideas for such films as possible and posting them here. With the intellectual property in our pockets, they won't be able to hold us back any more!

And no, there's no ulterior motive here. No sir. Not one bit.

A couple of notes first:

1) Naked Girls On Drugs Productions are hardly going to make a special effort to add porn to a game that already is porn. In other words: NO BUSEN MEMO. It would be pointless.

2) Sadly, we've been beaten to the punch on a few of them. Whore of the Rings exists, though thankfully not based on the boardgame (and I understand it even had a prosthetic makeup budget for that Hot XXX Elf/Orc Action, which only goes to show it's a funny old world). Also, there's little point in getting jiggy with Arkham Horror as the Japanese have already produced more tentacle monster porn than you can shake an Elder Sign at.

3) It goes without saying that this list has Adult Content and if you're under 18, you shouldn't be reading it. It also goes without saying that you're going to read it anyway because we can't stop you, which is why I didn't bother putting this disclaimer at the top.

4) The title of this list is not exactly coy. If you find this list offensive, please ask yourself why you clicked on the link. Because you wanted to find out exactly how offensive the list was before you complained?
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76. Board Game: Kunst Stücke [Average Rating:6.54 Overall Rank:3670]
Randy Cox
United States
Clemson
South Carolina
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from Evangelical Christian Skinflicks Ltd, this morality play centers on young Merry Pop-ins, who is an outgoing nyphomaniac. Confronted by the Ghost of Sexual Encounters Past, her labia are inexplicably fused, ending her carousing ways. For the remainder of the movie, she searches for that truly wholesome boy, Dick Virgin--the man who will break her spell.

Of course, she attempts to continue her erotic ways via other titilating encounters (fellatio, girl-on-girl, all the usual stuff save coitus), but none measure up to her favorite pasttime. Until a pair of traveling Mormons convert her to "the light." She marries Dick (the other mormon is the presiding deacon) and all's well that ends well--in a menage a troi.
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77. Board Game: Big Boss [Average Rating:7.08 Overall Rank:1881]
Travis Reynolds
United States
Amma
West Virginia
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The "Big Boss" puts his stable of ho's out on the streets. Intense erotic scense are back to back as "Johns" engage their services, while the Big Boss sits back raking in the money and sampling the product. Pimpin' ain't easy. There will also be corn.

(Plus, the box already has some great phallic symobols!)
 
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78. Board Game: Ingenious [Average Rating:7.22 Overall Rank:221]
Dick Hunt
United States
Ovid
Michigan
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In Genie's Ass

Finally, Major Nelson figures out what to do after rubbing that damned bottle...
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79. Board Game: Gladiator [Average Rating:6.46 Overall Rank:2660]
Dick Hunt
United States
Ovid
Michigan
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Worried at first about being so far down in the gangbang's batting order, Roger was Glad 'e Ate Her, and realized at last that it wasn't a "her" that he'd been looking for all these years...
 
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80. Board Game: Hacienda [Average Rating:7.00 Overall Rank:472]
Dick Hunt
United States
Ovid
Michigan
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The Happy Ender was the most popular massage parlor in town, and with very good reason! Starring Sandy Palms and Roger Roughshank...
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81. Board Game: 25 Words or Less [Average Rating:6.54 Overall Rank:2241]
Dick Hunt
United States
Ovid
Michigan
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In 25 Whores Or Less, poor Larry's Viagra overdose has tragic ramifications...

Starring Rock Hardson
 
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82. Board Game: Around the World in 80 Days [Average Rating:6.58 Overall Rank:997]
Dick Hunt
United States
Ovid
Michigan
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Around The Girl In 80 Ways is a fascinating study of very imaginative gymnastics.

Starring Connie Tortion and Chick Bender
 
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83. Board Game: B-17: Queen of the Skies [Average Rating:6.87 Overall Rank:952]
Dick Hunt
United States
Ovid
Michigan
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In B-17: Queen Of The Guys, Big Eddie wins the bingo game on a draw of B-17, winning a very special "Back-Door" prize. Luckily, he was bombed at the time, so the boys gave him plenty of help navigating his way to the target. Unfortunately, he jettisons his load a bit early, and his frustrated crew dumps him into the English Channel on the way home.

Starring Gaydolf Hisser, George S. Packone, and Dwight D. Goesanhour
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84. Board Game: Playgirl's Paradise Game [Average Rating:0.00 Unranked]
Nate Sandall
United States
Portland
Oregon
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Hot men! Hot women! And a cheetah!

What's the cheetah for? I'm not sure either, but it may have to do with a lack of towels.
 
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85. Board Game: Tech Support [Average Rating:3.48 Unranked]
David Heldt
United States
Harper Woods
Michigan
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F*ck Support

The story of a lonesome computer nerd and the sexy technician who upgrades his floppy into a hard drive--
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86. Board Game: Cleopatra and the Society of Architects [Average Rating:6.82 Overall Rank:564]
Tim Bass
United States
St. Charles
Missouri
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Cleopatra and the Society of Sex Addicts

Cleopatra must provide for her loyal subjects...
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87. Board Game: Cleopatra's Caboose [Average Rating:5.70 Overall Rank:7211]
Tim Bass
United States
St. Charles
Missouri
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Cleopatra likes it from behind...
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88. Board Game: Spank the Monkey [Average Rating:5.98 Overall Rank:3030]
Björn
Sweden
Stockholm
Uppland
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Is it just a home video that some guy made himself? Or is it something much darker and perverted? You'll have to see yourself to find outninja
 
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89. Board Game: Werewolf [Average Rating:6.75 Overall Rank:724]
Björn
Sweden
Stockholm
Uppland
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When the full moon shines over the isolated village of Wunderbaum, the werewolf haunts the landscape. Luckily for the werewolf, the hot looking village girls like big hairy men and are too stupid to lock themselves in at night. None of the village girl goes safe, because this dog can't be neutered and he's looking to make little werewolves of his own
 
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90. Board Game: HeroQuest [Average Rating:6.96 Overall Rank:494]
Ben The Man
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Whore Quest
What those skeletons lack in meat they make up for in wood...
 
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91. Board Game: Runebound (Second Edition) [Average Rating:6.93 Overall Rank:489]
Rob Silmser
United States
Valrico
Florida
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Runebound...And Gagged

A story of S&M in a High-Fantasy World.

"That Orc is wielding a HUGE club!!"
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92. Board Game: Runebound: The Dark Forest [Average Rating:7.13 Unranked] [Average Rating:7.13 Unranked]
Rob Silmser
United States
Valrico
Florida
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Runebound...And Gagged: The Dark Forest

The sequel! More S&M in a fantasy world that has not heard of razor blades or brazilian waxing!
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93. Board Game: Arkham Horror [Average Rating:7.42 Overall Rank:139] [Average Rating:7.42 Unranked]
Hovhannes B.
United States
Unspecified
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Watch your backsides, kids! It's time for ARKHAM WHORE-OR! The world has gone upside down (and sideways, and 69... not to mention reverse cowboy!) as the "Horny Ones" attempt to breach our dimensional asses and tear a hole in all our collective realities! Don't make me go into our buddy Cthulhu and what he likes to do with all those tenticles!

"Bend over, b*tches! I'm the horniest of the Horny Ones, and your a$$es are about to be burglarized!"

Be afraid. Very afraid.
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94. Board Game: POW! The Cannon Game for Boys [Average Rating:6.42 Unranked]
Matt R
United States
DFW
Texas
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Portions of the description already tell the story:

"dexterity games that consist of sending a small projectile over a barrier"

"fast-action soldier game"
 
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95. Board Game: Shogun [Average Rating:7.62 Overall Rank:79]
Matt R
United States
DFW
Texas
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Shagone

The Daimyo is the lord over everything... and everyone in his domain.
 
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96. Board Game: Paths of Glory [Average Rating:8.04 Overall Rank:45]
Matt R
United States
DFW
Texas
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Holes of Glory

For some bored German soldiers, all was quiet on the Western Front until Nurse Anklgrabeur accidently wandered into the wrong side of the war!

See trench "whorefare" at its finest!
 
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97. Board Game: Ambush! [Average Rating:7.31 Overall Rank:491]
Matt R
United States
DFW
Texas
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AM Bush!

One spring morning towards the end of the war in Europe, a group of war-weary American GI's were expecting a run-in with a German patrol. But when they encounter a young buxon German girl by mistake, their "ambush" turns into AM bush!
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98. Board Game: Monsters Menace America [Average Rating:5.99 Overall Rank:2435]
Hovhannes B.
United States
Unspecified
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Be ready for the next great game from Avalon Hill... MONSTERS MASTURBATE AMERICA! Yes, you get to chose between 6 different monsters and spend a fun evening spanking the proverbial mutated monkey all over America's finest cities! You haven't seen a golden shower until you behold a 100 foot lobster relieving himself on the golden gate bridge! You haven't witnessed an epic endgame until you witness an orgy that leaves one exhausted monster after another lying prone (albeit satisfied) until there is only one monster left standing with his pants down. That's right... its time to play MONSTERS MASTURBATE AMERICA. After all, what other game let's you get away with saying things like:

"Take that, New York! Taste my monster juice!"

Another fine boardgame from the *new* Avalon Hill.
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99. Board Game: Labyrinth [Average Rating:6.10 Unranked]
phil parvin
United Kingdom
london
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Labia Rinse.

When the plumber arrives to fix the shower head, good clean fun ensues.
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100. Board Game: Blue Moon [Average Rating:6.78 Overall Rank:614]
phil parvin
United Kingdom
london
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Blue Moon

Breakthrough horror/porn crossover movie in which a small town in Arkansas is terrorised by a horde of blue-backsided women.
 
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