Games that could use more Cthulhu
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Come walk down the darkened alleys of your game store's shelves and breathe deep the dark miasma that wafts from the assembled multitudes. They come to worship him that has risen from fell Rilyeh, and to dice with Nyarlothep in the forests of EuroAmeriAbstractia. But first we needs to alter -- altar? -- those other games that lack our most wonderous cyclopean Elder by tossing him into the mix. What shall be the result, I wonder? Does it matter, you say. No, I suppose not.
Dread Cthulhu shall now infest these games that have heretofore ignored him. And boy is he nonplussed.
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Imagine, my young apprentice, a trip to an idyllic Carribean isle. Disgusting, yes, I know. Now re-imagine this game with a new "shop" -- the Abbatoir. Colonists enter, but never leave. Cthulhu shall be pleased to award victory points onto those who sacrifice to him there.
And is it not time that Miskatonic had a new campus? A building that provides esoteric knowledge in the swapping of character cards.
Oh, the joy. The wondrous screams of terror. I, for one, cannot wait to play this with the Deep Ones in my former tomb.
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2.
Board Game: Agricola
[Average Rating:8.25 Overall Rank:2]
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Farmers disgust me. Always rolling around in the dirt, and doing things to their cows and sheep. What this game needs is a Dunwhich Horror expansion, whence Wilbur Whatley impregnates the wives of the players with the spawn of things that should not be named. The cute little rugrats then proceed to earn victory by eviscerating the creatures in their neighbors' fields. Umm, delicious.
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Deep within the Alps something stirs. With each failed dig the ancient one comes closer to rising to the surface. Trains are lost, their passengers eaten, and a good time is had by me. All aboard!
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4.
Board Game: Amun-Re
[Average Rating:7.45 Overall Rank:97]
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They call that a sacrifice? Back in my day if there was no blood, then it was only another day. What this game requires is the throwing of the farmers from the apexes of the pyramids. A farmer lost creates goodwill with the gods, who after all want blood. And deep from within the temples ancient vampires rise to eat the flesh and fears of the living -- those were good times, good times.
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The caravans unearth the remnants of the forbidden city of damned, awakening the spectres within. Shall they gather the cursed gold within or ride as fast as their ships of the desert can carry them?
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6.
Board Game: Thebes
[Average Rating:7.26 Overall Rank:166]
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Come, come. This game practically calls out to Cthulhu. Research. Digs in ancient sites. Why not add a bag for Mu, another for Atlantis, and a third for Rilyeh? And, instead of dirt, the researchers may well discover a lot more than they bargained for.
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The French Court? Pah! Replace these pretenders to power with some real players: Azatoth, Nyarlothep, and He who must not be named. Then try to influence them. Rings, letters, scepters, and crowns! Child's play. Why not hearts, skulls, children's blood, and tomes whose pages is made from the skin of virgins. One night's play may be enough to draw the attention of the Elder Gods.
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There is always time for bloodsport. Only this toy needs something to increase the carnage factor. Why not Deep Ones? And props made the colour of outer space? Surely anyone seeing these spectacles will be dying to return, if they can leave at all. Feel free to repeat a program, as an Old One visits your arena.
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Are you a cultist? In the end it does not matter, as Cthulhu devours all the players and the world is left as only so much galactic dust.
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Play with pieces of a strange geometry forming shapes that twist the mind. In the end there is a secret -- a rune formed by putting all of the pieces together just so. It is a shame that you can only play this version once.
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Bruce Murphy
Australia
Pyrmont
NSW
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Maybe the Great Old One can stop people going on about retheming this game because they don't believe in round planets for religious reasons. On several levels.
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Board Game: Titan
[Average Rating:7.08 Overall Rank:317]
Wendell
Spain
Arlington
Virginia
All the little chicks with crimson lips, go...
Hey, get your stinking cursor off my face! I got nukes, you know.
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Game dragging on forever? Let Cthulhu show those puny Titans who's in charge.
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Ed Browne
United States
Terre Haute
Indiana
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Think of "Fury of Cthulhu!" Nyarlathotep represented by one player who sows cults around the world, setting mind shattering traps for the investigators, all in preparation for Lord Cthulhu to come into the world at the end of the game. The end of the game can be delayed by a turn if the investigators roll good enough when Sea Movement is used (a couple of sailors hit Cthulhu in the head and knock him out for a while).
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Mike Young
United States
Sterling
Virginia
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My wife and I thought Mmmmm Brains needed more Cthulhu, so we added some.
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Mark Brown
United States
North Liberty
Iowa
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Let's see, that's "Azatoth" on a triple word score, I use all seven letters for the 50 point bonus...
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Tom Grant
United States
Foster City
California
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You could easily graft the struggle between Cthulhu cultists and the forces of humanity onto a Cold War game. The stain of the Old Ones begins to spread across the map...The Space Race track becomes a race to open or close the gates when the stars are right...Hmmmm...
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David Matchen
United States
Baltimore
Maryland
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Okay, bear with me here a second: The followers of four different Old Ones, Cthulhu (blue), Nyarlathotep (yellow), Shub-Niggurath (black), and Azathoth (red), are spreading throughout the civilized world. Each turn, a different city spawns more cultists. If too many spawn in a city, they spread the word of the Old Ones to new places, and the terror level goes up 1. If it hits 10, the Age of Man ends, and the survivors all get the Innsmouth Look.
Your team of investigators, a pilot (moves other investigators to other cities instantly), a gangster (mows down all cultists in a city with his tommy gun), a financier (sets up field headquarters investigators can use to track down cultists), and a researcher (gets an advantage when researching a particular set of cultists' weaknesses) need to wipe out each cult before they take over the world. It's a race against time!
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Regardless of the fact that Cthulhu doesn't inhabit the seas featured in the game, he'd make a damn good Anti-Pirate action, what with swallowing ships and all.
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Matt Davis
United States
Upland
California
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Magdar smash sneaky dwarves!!! Weird tentacle thing drives sneaky dwarves insane, then devours them!!! Magdar likes tentacles!!!
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What preview button?
United States
Medford
Massachusetts
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The Top Hat player lands on the Free Azathoth corner space and the game ends immediately (as does the world). Everyone loses. (Though, if you are an Azathoth cultist or you hate Monopoly, you might see this as a victory.)
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Michael Edwards
United States
Everett
Washington
YA RL'YAH
Phnglui mglw nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah nagl fhtagn! With cheeze!
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For reasons that are beyond human comprehension, this game just popped into my mind, unbidden. I wonder why..?
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Elwyn Darden
United States
Richmond
Virginia
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No question it would appeal to a different audience than the current design. The question is which design would be of more interest to you?
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Tiago Nunes
Portugal
Odivelas
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Strange patterns start appearing on breasts, finally when all pieces come together a new form of horror is revealed: Cthulhu breasts.
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Charleston
West Virginia
Baltimore
Maryland
New York
The really depressing part is that I don't see the first four as jokes! (Actually I can't honestly say anything about Agricola.)
I was actually worried, as I composed the list, that the irony within it was a little too dark and that people might not find it at all funny.
But I do think PR would work quite well with an Abbatoir.
Portland
Oregon