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An Avalanche Of Games Ranked By Pain Infliction
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I was trying to think of a new angle for a geeklist as I was cleaning up my basement computer room a few nights ago. I was thinking of a few ideas when it finally hit me and I mean that in a literal sense. I have a large stack of games sitting on top of a rolling plastic trolly that is about five feet high. As I moved the trolly to clean behind it, a wheel snapped off the bottom and the tower of games that was piled on top rained down on me. There was pain. There was horror. There was moaning. The only saving grace is none of the boxes popped open. I came away with a few dings and dents to my little body and an idea to rank the games that hit me by the amount of pain they could inflict if dropped from a height of eight feet. The scale goes from 1 to 5 with 5 being the most painful.
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Posted Fri Jul 25, 2008 4:44 pm
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Pain Ranking: A good solid 4, almost 5.
I caught this fully loaded box right on top of my head. I almost saw stars and I did stagger for a moment after the blow. At six pounds, this is probally one of the heaviest games in my collection. I'm just glad I didn't have time yet to clean it out and jam as many of the expansions into the box as I could.
This could be a game you could keep beside your bed to help you fend off a home invader. Probally just as effective as a sock full of doorknobs except you can't play a tatical wargame with a sack of doorknobs... or can you?
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Pain Ranking: 4.
I was lucky that this game only grazed by cheek and hit me square on my right shoulder. Apart from a small mark, I think I got off lucky. A sharp corner from this sucker could have left me with a good nick on my face or worse yet, if this thing hit my foot, I would be limping for a while.
At 5.5 pounds, this game comes second as the heaviest in my collection. Much like a coffee table, its the damn corners you have to watch out form. Next time, I'll know to chant "Cthulhu fhtagn" as a prayer of mercy to the gaming box gods.
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Pain Ranking: It should be a 1, but I bumped it for a 2 for nailing me just right.
After the initial one two punch of the heavy games, I had a momentary relief as a few smaller boxes tumble down upon me. The fear left my body as I realized the boxes were small (maybe 4 by 3 by 1 inches) and I dropped my guard during this second wave.
That was a big mistake.
I watched the Set 4 box tumble past my vision and hit me square on the top of my right foot with one of its corner. I couldn't hold back my pain and let out a good yelp. As the box found a find resting place, I glared at it because it had left a red welt. It was a short glare because it had two partners following it...
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Pain Ranking: A solid 2 because it is made of some strong stuff.
My anger with the Duel of Ages Set 4 box was brief because I saw the King In Yellow out of the corner of my eye. It slammed harmlessly off my left arm and kept going to the floor. It was a mild sting and I was beginning to wonder if Cthulu had it in for me because its brother box struck me on the other arm...
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Pain Ranking: It gets a 2 just for the box material alone.
At this point in my avalanche of pain, if someone started to sing "It's Raining Cthulu", I would not have been surprised.
Following its brother box, the Dark Pharaoh nailed me right in the upper arm muscle with a corner and that made me wince. It kept on going to the floor and landed beside the King In Yellow box.
Screw this "Maybe Contain Small Parts" warning. These damn things need "Has Sharp Corners. Do Not Stack Over X Feet High." warnings.
At this point, I assumed the worst was over. I had survived the two heaviest games in my collection and I figured that the pain was over.
Never assume anything because it only makes an "arse" out of "u" and "me".
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Pain ranking: 3.
As soon as this slammed into my face, a curse to Alan Moon escaped my lips. it didn't hurt much, but it felt like I was being slapped by a jilted lover whom I had just beat for the fith time in a row at a game of Scrabble.
I tried to look at the positives. It only weighs 2.8 pounds, so it would take two of them to do any real damage to me. Instead of catching a corner, I was treated to an up close view to the bottom of the box. I didn't receive a bruise and I was reminded what most Days of Wonder's boxes smell like.
As the game fell flat on the floor, I let out a sigh of relief it stayed shut. My relief faded quickly as I remembered that I had bought more than one game belonging to the Ticket To Ride family.
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Pain Ranking: I'll give it a 2 based upon its low speed.
I realized that I also had Ticket To Eide: Europe in my stack of games and I thought for a moment that I may have gotten lucky. I figured due to some weird law of time and space, this game may have stayed on the top of the cart and I wouldn't see it plunging towards me.
No such luck.
I saw this sucker coming, but I managed to move enough so that it sailed harmlessly pass me and slammed onto the floor of the computer room. At this point, I am thinking that this has to be it. I mean, what else could I have stacked on top of this plastic shelf?
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Pain Ranking: 4, thanks to the expansion decks I jammed into the box.
I don't know how I forgot this game, but I remembered it in a hurry as it bounced off my leg. At 3.5 pounds, this box established its dominance in a hurry. No marks were left by my encounter with this box, but I did have a nice burning sensation thanks to its journey down my leg.
I began to realize that my encounter with terror and pain in the safety of my own home was almost over. A quick, mental inventory of what I had stacked on top of the plastic trolly revealed to me that I only had one more game to worry about.
Too bad it couldn't have been something like Snakes and Ladders.
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Pain Ranking: Easilly a 4, almsot a 5.
If there was an orchestrand present in my basement, they would have been playing the finale from the "1812 Overture" at this point.
There was one game left on top of the plastic trolly and it was a heavy hitter. I looked up its weight online and it turns out, this sucker weights at least 4 pounds. That's .5 pounds heavier than the base game and it made those .5 pounds felt.
The Sands of Al-Kalim didn't have far to fall. It was on the bottom of the pile, so I'm assuming it was only a four foot fall. Still, this damn thing hit my arm and foot during its plummet. I didn't mind the arm, but I use the foot to get around and walking with a bit of a limp is not my cup of tea. I knew it wouldn't be as bad as explaining to people how I got the limp first place.
Average Friend: Say Wyll, where did you get that limp?
Wyll: Well, you see, its a funn story. A pile of my board games fell on me.
Average Friend: You got a limp from Monopoly?
Wyll: Not that kind of boardgames. They were-
Average Friend: You mean Scrabble?
Wyll: No. A game called BattleLore. It's a game where you take control of an army of orcs or dwarves and try to crush the other player.
Average Friend: *gives Wyll the 'Good Lord, he's a freak look'* Oh... yeah... sure.... listen, I gotta go and milk a cow.
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Pain Ranking: 1, just because I can't give it a zero.
As I stood among the wreckage from the Great Game Avalanche of 2008, I heard my wife call from the laundry room.
Wife: Are you all right?
Wyll: *attempt to sound like everything is normal* Yes.
Wife: What happened?
Wyll: A few games fell. Nothing serious.
With a sigh, I bent down and began to clean up. As I began to organize a new, less lethal stack of games, one last game decided to jump to its death.
My prized pocket box copy of Awful Green things was sitting on top of the bookshelf next to the plastic trolly. I don't know if it the vibrations from the avlanche or what, but the pocket box decide to hop off the top of the shelf and land beside me. It was like it was trying say "Hey, I'm still fun enough to play with the big boys.". I picked up the game and placed it back on top of the bookshelf.
Maybe one day, it would get lucky and be able to injure a passing fly or small rodent.
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Posted Fri Jul 25, 2008 3:52 pm
Indeed if you had 1 or 2 FFG coffin-boxes on that trolley this GL would never have been written.
And then we couldn't have laughed at you.
rofl
Indeed if you had 1 or 2 FFG coffin-boxes on that trolley this GL would never have been written.
And then we couldn't have laughed at you.
If that was the case, I think I would have been up for a Darwin Award.