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Discworld Quotes
Brian Moore
United Kingdom
Bolton
Lancashire
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As a follow up to my previous list Red Dwarf Quotes, I thought I would do a geeklist around one of my favourite authors.
Again, I'll take a quote per book and see what happens
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1. Board Game: Watch Out: Discworld Board Game [Average Rating:7.50 Unranked]
Brian Moore
United Kingdom
Bolton
Lancashire
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As everyone probably isn't aware what Discworld is, a short explanation. The Discworld series of novels are written by Terry Pratchett and now run to some 37 books.

The novels are comedic fantasy and are set on the Discworld, a flat world balanced on the backs of four elephants which are in turn standing on the back of a giant turtle, the Great A'Tuin. Many of them are parodies on our own world, but also contain several linking story arcs as well.

Very entertaining and the series has just got better and better IMO.
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2. Board Game: Magical School [Average Rating:5.94 Unranked]
Brian Moore
United Kingdom
Bolton
Lancashire
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The Colour of Magic (1983)
Summary On a world supported on the back of a giant turtle (sex unknown), a gleeful, explosive, wickedly eccentric expedition sets out. There's an avaricious but inept wizard, a naive tourist whose luggage move on hundreds of dear little legs, dragons who only exist if you believe in them, and of course THE EDGE of the planet...

It was octarine, the colour of magic. It was alive and glowing and vibrant and it was the undisputed pigment of the imagination, because wherever it appeared it was a sign that mere matter was a servant of the powers of the magical mind. It was enchantment itself.
But Rincewind always thought it looked a sort of greenish-purple.

That's what's so stupid about the whole magic thing, you know. You spend twenty years learning the spell that makes nude virgins appear in your bedroom, and then you're so poisoned by quicksilver fumes and half-blind from reading old grimoires that you can't remember what happens next.
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3. Board Game: Fantastic Worlds [Average Rating:7.18 Unranked]
Brian Moore
United Kingdom
Bolton
Lancashire
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The Light Fantastic (1986)
Summary As it moves towards a seemingly inevitable collision with a malevolent red star, the Discworld has only one possible saviour. Unfortunately, this happens to be the singularly inept and cowardly wizard called Rincewind, who was last seen falling off the edge of the world...

'Dead?' said Rincewind, In the debating chamber of his mind a dozen emotions got to their feet and started shouting. Relief was in full spate when Shock cut in on a point of order and then Bewilderment, Terror and Loss started a fight which was ended only when Shame slunk in from next door to see what all the row was about.
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4. Board Game: Equals [Average Rating:4.79 Unranked]
Brian Moore
United Kingdom
Bolton
Lancashire
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Equal Rites (1987)
Summary The last thing the wizard Drum Billet did, before Death laid a bony hand on his shoulder, was to pass on his staff of power to the eighth son of an eighth son. Unfortunately for his colleagues in the chauvinistic (not to say misogynistic) world of magic, he failed to check on the new-born baby's sex...

It was a small village, and wouldn't have shown up on a map of the mountains. It barely showed up on a map of the village.
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5. Board Game: Primordial Soup [Average Rating:7.02 Overall Rank:435]
Brian Moore
United Kingdom
Bolton
Lancashire
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Mort (1987)
Summary Death comes to us all. When he came to Mort, he offered him a job. After being assured that being dead was not compulsory, Mort accepted. However, he soon found that romantic longings did not mix easily with the responsibilities of being Death's apprentice...

Death was standing behind a lectern, poring over a map. He looked at Mort as if he wasn't entirely there.
YOU HAVEN'T HEARD OF THE BAY OF MANTE, HAVE YOU? he said.
'No, sir,' said Mort.
FAMOUS SHIPWRECK THERE.
'Was there?'
THERE WILL BE, said Death, IF I CAN FIND THE DAMN PLACE.

The thing between Death's triumphant digits was a fly from the dawn of time. It was the fly in the primordial soup. It had bred on mammoth turds. It wasn't a fly that bangs on window panes, it was a fly that drills through walls.
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6. Board Game: Sorcerer [Average Rating:5.28 Overall Rank:9993]
Brian Moore
United Kingdom
Bolton
Lancashire
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Sourcery (1988)
Summary There was an eighth son of an eighth son. He was quite naturally, a wizard. And there it should have ended. However (for reasons we'd better not go into), he had seven sons. And then he had an eighth son ... a wizard squared ... a source of magic ... a Sourcerer.

A popular spell at the time was Pelepel's Temporal Compressor, which on one occasion resulted in a race of giant reptiles being created, evolving, spreading, flourishing and then being destroyed in the space of about five minutes, leaving only its bones in the earth to mislead forthcoming generations completely.

'I'm not going to ride on a magic carpet!' he hissed. 'I'm afraid of grounds!'
'You mean heights,' said Conina. 'And stop being silly.'
'I know what I mean! It's the grounds that kill you!'
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7. Board Game: Chess [Average Rating:7.10 Overall Rank:323]
 
Brian Moore
United Kingdom
Bolton
Lancashire
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Wyrd Sisters (1989)
Summary Witches are not by nature gregarius, and they certainly don't have leaders. Granny Weatherwax was the most highly-regarded of the leaders they didn't have. But even she found that meddling in royal politics was a lot more difficult than certain playwrights would have you believe...

No gods anywhere play chess. They prefer simple, vicious games, where you Do Not Achieve Transcendence but Go Straight to Oblivion; A key to the understanding of all religion is that a god's idea of amusement is Snakes and Ladders with greased rungs.

"A man could go far, knowing his rights like you do," said Granny. "But right now he should go home."
 
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8. Board Game: Upper Hand [Average Rating:6.07 Unranked]
Brian Moore
United Kingdom
Bolton
Lancashire
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Pyramids (1989)
Summary Being trained by the Assassin's Guild in Ankh-Morpork did not fit Teppic for the task assigned to him by fate. He inherited the throne of the desert kingdom of Djelibeybi rather earlier than he expected (his father wasn't too happy about it either), but that was only the beginning of his problems...

The king looked surprised.
"I understood that Death came as a three-headed giant scarab beetle," he said.
Death shrugged. WELL. NOW YOU KNOW

The fact is that camels are far more intelligent than dolphins.*
* Never trust a species that grins all the time. It's up to something.
 
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9. Board Game: Ghost Stories: The Guardhouse Expansion [Average Rating:7.53 Unranked] [Average Rating:7.53 Unranked] [Average Rating:7.53 Unranked]
Brian Moore
United Kingdom
Bolton
Lancashire
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Guards! Guards!
Summary This is where the dragons went. They lie... not dead, not asleep, but... dormant. And although the space they occupy isn't like normal space, nevertheless they are packed in tightly. They could put you in mind of a can of sardines, if you thought sardines were huge and scaly. And presumably, somewhere, there's a key...

All dwarfs are by nature dutiful, serious, literate, obedient and thoughtful people whose only minor failing is a tendency, after one drink, to rush at enemies screaming "Arrrrrrgh!" and axing their legs off at the knee.

Thunder rolled. ... It rolled a six.
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10. Board Game: Demons [Average Rating:5.33 Overall Rank:9596]
Brian Moore
United Kingdom
Bolton
Lancashire
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Eric (1990)
Summary Eric is the Discworld's only demonology hacker. Pity he's not very good at it. All he wants is his three wishes granted. Nothing fancy - to be immortal, rule the world, have the most beautiful woman in the world fall madly in love with him, the usual stuff..

The librarian was, ex officio, a member of the college council. No-one had been able to find any rule about orang-utans being barred, although they had surreptiously looked very hard for one.

Demons have existed on the Discworld for at least as long as the gods, who in many ways they closely resemble. The difference is basically the same as that between terrorists and freedom fighters.
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11. Board Game: Dream Factory [Average Rating:7.11 Overall Rank:373]
Brian Moore
United Kingdom
Bolton
Lancashire
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Moving Pictures (1990)
Summary The alchemists of the Discworld have discovered the magic of the sliver screen. But what is the dark secret of Holy Wood hill? It's up to Victor Tugelbend ("Can't sing. Can't dance. Can handle a sword a little") and Theda Withel ("I come from a little town you've probably never heard of") to find out...

The senior wizard in a world of magic had the same prospects of long-term employment as a pogo stick tester in a minefield.

No-one with their sleeves rolled up who walks purposefully with a piece of paper held conspicuously in their hand is ever challenged.
 
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12. Board Game: Grim Reaper [Average Rating:6.90 Unranked]
Brian Moore
United Kingdom
Bolton
Lancashire
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Reaper Man (1991)
Summary DEATH IS MISSING PRESUMED ... ER ... GONE. Which leads to the kind of chaos you always get when an important public service is withdrawn. Meanwhile, on a little farm far, far away, a tall dark stranger is turning out to be really good with a scythe. There's a harvest to be gathered in...

"My name's Miss Flitworth."
YES.
She waited.
"I expect you have a name too," she prompted.
YES. THAT'S RIGHT.
She waited again.
"Well?"
I@M SORRY?
"What is your name?"
The stranger stared at her for a moment, the looked around wildly.
"Come on," said Miss Flitworth. I ain't employing no one without no name. Mr...?"
The figure stared upward.
MR. SKY?
"No one's called Mr. Sky."
MR... DOOR?
She nodded.
"Could be. Could be Mr. Door. There was a chap called Doors I knew once. Yea. Mr. Door. And your first name? Don't tell me you haven't got one of those too. You've got to be a Bill or a Tom or a Bruce or one of those names."
YES.
"What?"
ONE OF THOSE.
"Which one?"
ER. THE FIRST ONE?
"You're a Bill?"
YES?
Miss Flitworth rolled her eyes.
"All right, Bill Sky..." she said.
DOOR.
"Yeah. Sorry. All right, Bill Door..."
CALL ME BILL.
 
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13. Board Game: Wicked Witches Way [Average Rating:6.47 Overall Rank:1456]
Brian Moore
United Kingdom
Bolton
Lancashire
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Witches Abroad(1991)
Summary It seemed an easy job... After all, how difficult could it be to make sure that a servant girl doesn't marry a price? But for the witches Granny Weatherwax, Nanny Ogg and Magrat Garlick, travelling to the distant city of Genua, things are never that simple... Servant girls have to marry the price. That's what life is all about. You can't fight a Happy Ending. At least - up until now...

All witches are very conscious of stories. They can feel stories, in the same way that a bather in a little pool can feel the unexpected trout. Knowing how stories work is almost all the battle. For example, when an obvious innocent sits down with three experienced card sharpers and says 'How do you play this game, then?', someone is about to be shaken down until their teeth fall out.

Bad spelling can be lethal. For example, the greedy Seriph of Al-Ybi was cursed by a badly-educated deity and for some days everything he touched turned to Glod, which happened to be the name of a small dwarf from a mountain community hundreds of miles away who found himself magically dragged to the kingdom and relentlessly duplicated. Some two thousand Glods later the spell wore off. These days, the people of Al-Ybi are renowned for being remarkably short and bad-tempered.
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14. Board Game: Age of Gods [Average Rating:6.35 Overall Rank:2252]
Brian Moore
United Kingdom
Bolton
Lancashire
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Small Gods (1992)
Summary In the beginning was the Word. And the Word was: "Hey, you!" For Brutha the novice is the Chosen One. He wants peace and justice and brotherly love. He also wants the Inquisition to stop torturing him now, please...

Tortoise: 'How many talking tortoises have you met?'
Brutha: 'I don't know.'
Tortoise: 'What d'you mean, you don't know?'
Brutha: 'Well, they might all talk. They just might not say anything when I'm there.'

'We get that in here some nights, when someone's had a few. Cosmic speculation about whether the gods exist. Next thing, there's a bolt of lightning through the door with a note wrapped round it saying, "Yes, we do" and a pair of sandals with smoke coming out.'

REMIND ME AGAIN, he said, HOW THE LITTLE HORSE SHAPED ONES MOVE.
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15. Board Game: Fairy Tale [Average Rating:6.83 Overall Rank:521]
Brian Moore
United Kingdom
Bolton
Lancashire
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Lords and Ladies (1992)
Summary THE FARIES ARE BACK - BUT THIS TIME THEY DON'T JUST WANT YOUR TEETH... Granny Weatherwax and her tiny coven are up against real elves. It's midsummer Night. No time for dreaming... With full supporting cast of dwarfs, wizards, trolls, Morris dancers and one orang-utan. And lots of hey-nonny-nonny and blood all over the place.

Using metaphor in front of a man as unimaginative as Ridcully was like a red flag to a bu-- was like putting something very annoying in front of someone who was annoyed by it.

The shortest unit of 'time' in the multiverse is the New York second, defined as the period of time between the traffic lights turning green and the cab behind you honking.
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16. Board Game: Men At Arms [Average Rating:4.48 Overall Rank:10632]
Brian Moore
United Kingdom
Bolton
Lancashire
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Men At Arms (1993)
Summary 'Be a MAN in the City Watch! The City Watch needs MEN!' But what it's got includes Corporal Carrot (technically a dwarf), Lance-constable Cuddy (really a dwarf), Lance-constable Detritus (a troll), Lance-constable Angua (a woman...most of the time) and Corporal Nobbs (disqualified from the human race for shoving).

Dwarfs are very attached to gold. Any highwayman demanding 'Your money or your life' had better bring a folding chair and packed lunch and a book to read while the debate goes on.

When you hit your thumb with an eight-pound hammer it's nice to be able to blaspheme. It takes a very special and strong-minded atheist to jump up and down with their hand clasped under their other armpit and shout, 'Oh, random-fluctuations-in-the-space-time-continuum!' or 'Aaargh, primitive-and-outmoded-concept on a crutch!'
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17. Board Game: Rock 'N' Roll...The Music Biz Game [Average Rating:6.00 Unranked]
Brian Moore
United Kingdom
Bolton
Lancashire
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Soul Music (1994)
Summary Other children got given xylophones. Susan just had to ask her grandfather to take his vest off. Yes. There's a Death in the family. It's hard to grow up normally when Grandfather rides a white horse and wields a scythe - especially when you have to take over the family business, and everyone mistakes you for the Tooth Fairy. And especially when you have to face the new and addictive music that has entered the Discworld. It's lawless. It changes people. It's called Music With Rocks In. It's got a beat and you can dance to it, but... It's alive. And it won't fade away.

Certain things have to happen before other things. Gods play games with the fates of men. But first they have to get all the pieces on the board, and look all over the place for the dice.

C. M. O. T. Dibbler liked to be up at first light, in case there was an opportunity to sell a worm to the early bird.
 
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18. Board Game: Times Square [Average Rating:6.34 Overall Rank:1839]
Brian Moore
United Kingdom
Bolton
Lancashire
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Interesting Times (1994)
Summary Mighty battles! Revolution! Death! War! (and his sons Terror and Panic, and daughter Clancy). The oldest and most inscrutable empire on the Discworld is in turmoil, brought about by the revolutionary treatise What I Did On My Holidays. Workers are uniting, with nothing to lose but their water buffaloes. Warlords are struggling for power. War (and Clancy) are spreading through the ancient cities. And all that stands in the way of terrible doom for everyone is: Rincewind the Wizard, who can't even spell the word 'wizard'... cohen the barbarian hero, five foot tall in his surgical sandles, who has had a lifetime's experience of not dying... ... and a very special butterfly.

'It's just that his memory's bad. We had a bit of trouble on the way over. I keep telling him, it's rape the women and set fire to the houses.'
'Rape?' said Rincewind. 'That's not very -- '
'He's eighty-seven,' said Cohen. 'Don't go and spoil an old man's dreams.'

WITH HIM HERE, EVEN UNCERAINCY IS UNCERTAIN. AND I@M NOT SURE EVEN ABOUT THAT.
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19. Board Game: Masquerade [Average Rating:6.07 Overall Rank:4029]
Brian Moore
United Kingdom
Bolton
Lancashire
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Maskerade (1994)
Summary The Opera House, Ankh-Morpork... ... a hugh, rambling building, where masked figures and hooded shadows do wicked deeds in the wings... ...where dying the death on stage is a little more than just a metaphor... ... where innocent young sopranos are lured to their destiny by an evil mastermind in a hideously deformed evening dress... Where ... ... there's a couple of old ladies in pointy hats eating peanuts in the gods and looking up at the big chandelier and saying things like: 'There's an accident waiting to happen if ever I saw one.' Yes ... Granny Weatherwax and Nanny Ogg, the Discworld's greatest witches, are back for an innocent night out at the opera. So there's going to be trouble (but nevertheless a good evening's entertainment with murders you can really hum...).

Ahahahahaha! Ahahahaha! Aahahaha!
BEWARE!!!!!
Yrs sincerely
The Opera Ghost
"What sort of person," said Salzella patiently, "sits down and writes a maniacal laugh? And all those exclamation marks, you notice? Five? A sure sign of someone who wears his underpants on his head. Opera can do that to a man."

The person on the other side was a young woman. Very obviously a young woman. There was no possible way that she could have been mistaken for a young man in any language, especially Braille.
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20. Board Game: Golem [Average Rating:6.55 Unranked]
Brian Moore
United Kingdom
Bolton
Lancashire
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Feet of Clay(1996)
Summary A Discworld Howdunnit Who's murdering harmless old men? Who's poisoning the Patrician? As autumn fogs hold Ankh-Morpork in their grip, the City Watch have to track down a murderer who can't be seen. Maybe the golems know something - but the solemn men of clay, who work all day and night and are never any trouble to anyone, have stared to commit suicide...

I AM DEATH, MOT TAXES. I TURN UP ONLY ONCE.

It was hard enough to kill a vampire. You could stake them down and turn them into dust and ten years later someone drops a drop of blood in the wrong place and guess who's back? They returned more times than raw broccoli.
 
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21. Board Game: Gods [Average Rating:5.84 Overall Rank:6196]
Brian Moore
United Kingdom
Bolton
Lancashire
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Hogfather (1996)
Summary It's the night before Hogswatch. And it's too quiet. There's snow, there're robins, there're trees covered with decorations, but there's a notable lack of the big fat man who delivers the toys... He's gone. Susan the governess has got to find him before morning, otherwise the sun won't rise...

'And there's the sign, Ridcully,' said the Dean. You have read it, I assume. You know? The sign which says "Do not, under any circumstances, open this door"?'
'Of course I've read it,' said Ridcully. 'Why d'yer think I want it opened?'
'Er...why?' said the Lecturer in Recent Runes.
'To see why they wanted it shut, of course.'*
* This exchange contains almost all you need to know about human civilisation. At least, those bits of it that are now under the sea, fenced off or still smoking.

'You can't give her that!' she screamed. 'It's not safe!'
IT'S A SWORD. said the Hogfather. THEY'RE NOT MEANT TO BE SAFE.
'She's a child!' shouted Crumley.
IT'S EDUCATIONAL.
'What if she cuts herself?'
THAT WILL BE AN IMPORTANT LESSON.

'I...think my name is Bilious. I'm the...I'm the Oh God of Hangovers.'
'There's a God of Hangovers?'
'An oh god,' he corrected. 'When people witness me, you see, they clutch their head and say "Oh God..." How many of you are standing here?'
1 
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22. Board Game: Jingo [Average Rating:0.00 Unranked]
Brian Moore
United Kingdom
Bolton
Lancashire
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Jingo (1997)
Summary A weathercock has risen from the sea of Discworld, and suddenly you can tell which way the wind is blowing. A new land has surfaced, and so have old fueds. And as two armies march, Commander Vimes of Ankh-Morpork City Watch has got just a few hours to deal with a crime so big that there's no law against it. It's called 'war'

Taxation, gentlemen, is very much like dairy farming. The task is to extract the maximum amount of milk with the minimum amount of moo.

...Vimes's grin was as funny as the one that moves very fast towards drowning men. And has a fin on top.
 
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23. Board Game: Australia [Average Rating:6.53 Overall Rank:1362]
Brian Moore
United Kingdom
Bolton
Lancashire
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The Last Continent (1998)
Summary It's the Discworld's last continent and it's going to die in a few days, except...Who is this hero striding across the red desert? Sheep shearer, beer drinker, bush ranger, and someone who'll even eat a Meat Pie Floater when he's sober. A man in a hat whose luggage follows him on little legs. Yes, it's Rincewind, the inept wizard who can't even spell wizard. He's the only hero left. Still...no worries, eh?

And he was pretty sure that there was no way you could get a cross between a human and a sheep. If there was, people would definitely have found out by now, especially in the more isolated rural districts.

Rincewind had always been happy to think of himself as a racist. The One Hundred Meters, the Mile, the Marathon — he'd run them all. Later, when he learned with some surprise what the word actually meant, he'd been equally certain he wasn't one
 
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24. Board Game: Vampire [Average Rating:5.61 Overall Rank:8542]
Brian Moore
United Kingdom
Bolton
Lancashire
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Carpe Jugulum (1998)
Summary The witches of Lancre come up against a family who dress in black and have the power to cloud minds. These vampires have moved with the times, though, and lack most of the standard vulnerabilities; you might call it cheating.

Lancre operated on the feudal system, which was to say, everyone feuded all the time and handed on the fight to their descendants. The chips on some shoulders had been passed down for generations.

Drinking's what they like best"
"an' fighting!"
"And fighting"
"drinking an' fighting!"
"Drinking and fighting is what they like best"
"An' snaffling coobeasties!"
"And stealing cows"
 
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25. Board Game: Werewolf [Average Rating:6.76 Overall Rank:719]
Brian Moore
United Kingdom
Bolton
Lancashire
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The Fifth Elephant (1999)
Summary Sam Vimes is a man on the run. Yesterday he was a duke, a chief of police and the ambassador to the mysterious, fat-rich country of Uberwald. Now, he has nothing but his native wit and the gloomy trousers of Uncle Vanya (don't ask). It's snowing. It's freezing. And if he can't make it through the forest to civilization there's going to be a terrible war. But there are monsters on his trail. They're bright. They're fast. They're werewolves - and they're catching up.

He sagged to his knees. He ached all over. It wasn't just that his brain was writing cheques that his body couldn't cash. It had gone beyond that. Now his feet were borrowing money that his legs hadn't got, and his back muscles were looking for loose change under the sofa cushions.

A marriage is always made up of two people who are prepared to swear that only the other one snores.
 
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