$10.00
Services Rendered in Exchange for Geekgold
Andy Fitzpatrick
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London
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So, I’ve been hanging around the Geek now for a few weeks. I just made my first post a couple of days ago. I even bought a game -- Ambush! -- from MichaelJT. All good.

Then I got given Geekgold.

NOW I WANT MORE!
I don’t know why, exactly, but it’s out there so I want it. My ambition is to become the Donald Trump of the Geek. I want so much Geekgold that I can afford to brush the hair growing just above my ear all the way across the top of my head and yet have no-one laugh at me. No-one.

Let’s be honest about this; I want YOUR GOLD. But I’m no beggar or thief. I’m willing to work for it. Please browse the following list of services* and discover just what Swanky can do for you. Take your time. Then give me your gold.

*Please note, any services mentioned in the list below exist only in the mind of the buyer.

Also, please, no-one read anything into this nonsense. It’s not aimed at anyone in particular. I just got carried away. S'fun, is all.



STOP PRESS
Thanks to the overwhelming profitability success of our service, Swanky would like to extend his heartiest thanks to all his customers. Thanks!

HOT OFFER!!!
Would you like to become part of our exciting business? Got an idea you think Swanky could develop into a unique gaming service? Then mail Swanky today! Turn your shaky idea into a GeekGoldmine with our attractive profit-sharing scheme*. What are you waiting for – get in touch. NOW!

*Profit-sharing scheme conducted on a purely informal basis.
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1. Board Game: Babysitter Game [Average Rating:6.00 Unranked]
Andy Fitzpatrick
United Kingdom
London
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Swanky Game Sitters

Do your board games get lonely when you’re away from home?

Let Swanky answer that question for you; YES THEY DO.

Swanky Game Sitters have many years experience in the field of looking after other people’s board games. For a small fee, plus travelling expenses and unlimited use of your shower, we’ll arrive at your home. There, our spotty seventeen year old and four or five of her friends will ensure your games receive all the love and attention they would normally enjoy if you weren’t out on the town, gallivanting around with all and sundry.

Don’t be a bastard. Don’t leave your games alone.
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2. Board Game: Sticky Situations [Average Rating:4.42 Unranked]
Andy Fitzpatrick
United Kingdom
London
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Swanky Game Clean

Are you a filthy person? Do you suffer from overall body moistness? Do you regularly dodge the soap bullet?

We at Swanky Game Clean understand. You’re a dirty, dirty person and that’s just how God made you.

But others may not be so sympathetic.

Haven’t you ever noticed how your wife cringes whenever she has to pull all the little plastic zombies apart just because of the fetid residue you left on them the last time you played?

Don’t you feel embarrassed whenever your girlfriend has to use a knife to separate the Dominion cards that are glued together with the foul sweat from your mucky paws?

Doesn’t it bother you when your friends ask awkward questions about your Pitchcar track, like how you managed to create such a realistic oil slick when you know it’s nothing more than your own stinky hand fluids?

Fret no more, Swanky has your back!

For a reasonable fee, we will transport all your games to our deluxe Game Clean facilities. There, an underpaid staff of migrant workers will put your games through an exhaustive decontamination programme. We will dust your boards, we will bathe your plastic men in a warm soapy water and we will polish your wood. You heard me.
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3. Board Game: Quick Count [Average Rating:4.20 Unranked]
Andy Fitzpatrick
United Kingdom
London
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Swanky Game Auditing

Haven’t you ever wondered how many ASL chits you have? If a stranger asked, would you even know exactly how many wooden sheep you own? Could you even guess how many hex’s there are on your World in Flames map?

Its problems like these that keep gamers awake at night. Yes it is. Don’t argue with me.

Swanky has the solution. Banish those sleepless nights with our all new Swanky Game Auditing service!

For a competitive fee, we’ll transport all your games to our deluxe Game Auditing offices. There, our crack team of unlicensed accountants and one-armed ex-croupiers will count every single component. If it’s small and loose, we’ll count it. Even if it’s not, we’ll count it. We’ll even count the box.

Why bother seeking professional help for crippling OCD when temporary relief is only a phone call away!
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4. Board Game: Shieldwall [Average Rating:6.91 Unranked] [Average Rating:6.91 Unranked]
Andy Fitzpatrick
United Kingdom
London
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Swanky Game Guard

Do you spend valuable time worrying about your game pieces? Do you fret about the safety of your brave Memoir ’44 boys or your hard working Agricola farmers?

STOP FRETTING FOR GOD’S SAKE!

Swanky Invisible Game Guard is here to help.

For a fee, we’ll transport all your games to our deluxe Game Guard facilities. There, our highly skilled toluene-crazed Game Guard technicians will apply the latest cutting-edge invisible varnish technologies known to mankind. This amazing lacquer is so incredibly thin it is undetectable and yet can still provide protection against all manner of environmental and domestic hazards, such as droppage, spillage or playful domestic animals.

To guarantee supreme satisfaction, we‘ll take care to coat each of your pieces in the appropriate varnish, whether that be matt, gloss or eggshell.

The results will amaze you! Try as you might, you’ll never be able to see the difference. Trust me, you won’t.
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5. Board Game: Get That License [Average Rating:5.00 Unranked]
Andy Fitzpatrick
United Kingdom
London
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Swanky Meeple Certification

Do you know the names of all your Meeples? Did you even know that Meeples had names? Would you like your Meeples to have names?

Excellent.


Swanky Meeple Certification is on the job! Pay us money and we’ll transport all your Meeple-packed games to our deluxe Meeple Certification offices. There, our crack team of bureaucrats, ex-FBI agents and discredited phrenology experts will put each Meeple through an intense verification process. We’ll document their age, gender, weight, height, country of origin, voting habits, sexual preference -- anything you desire.

For an extra fee we’ll even provide your Meeple with its very own criminal record.

Just imagine the thrill of playing Carcassonne using properly vetted Meeples! Anonymous yellow Meeple is now transformed into Fred, the 28 year old chiropractor with a drinking problem and a weakness for older women. And you see that scar on Michael, the once no-name red follower -- well let’s just say he didn’t get that shaving...
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6. Board Game: Protect Your Nuts [Average Rating:0.00 Unranked]
Andy Fitzpatrick
United Kingdom
London
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Swanky Game Defense

Do you agonize about every possible threat known to science? Do you agonise about the unnamed lurking horror that will eventually kill you and everyone you love should ever let your guard down? Do you worry about the potentially lethal hazards that await you inside each of your game boxes?

Well, do you?

Swanky Game Defense can protect you from game-related injuries. For a generous fee we’ll transport all your potentially lethal games to our deluxe Game Defense labs. There, our elite team of H&S officers and escaped paranoids will examine every game counter, chit, card, plastic orc and wooden locomotive. Our unique 187-point check will identify every potential hazard, including ones even you hadn’t considered. Once the inspection is complete, your gaming materials are moved to our workshop where a team of highly trained craftsmen will buff, cut and polish each item until we can be sure they no longer pose a threat to you and your family.

Just think -- you’ll be able to go to your job at the sewage works/chemical waste factory/Ebola virus testing labs and not have to worry about those pesky gaming-induced paper cuts. Finally, time for you to really enjoy life again!
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7. Board Game: Easy Money [Average Rating:4.88 Overall Rank:10789]
Andy Fitzpatrick
United Kingdom
London
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Swanky Game Cash Investments

Broke? Spent all your money on board games? Do you realise you could already be cash rich without even knowing it?

It’s time to make that Monopoly money work for you.

Swanky Game Cash Investments are world-renowned experts in the utilization of game paper, hobby cash, cardboard bonds, plastic promissory notes and much, much more. For a substantial broker’s fee, we’ll transport all your credit-worthy games to our deluxe Game Cash Investments offices. There, our hand-picked team of former Mafia accountants will evaluate your game wealth. Once assessed, our shadowy account managers will put together a portfolio of investments tailored to your needs.

We promise to capitalise your capital, balance your value-risk forward accumulation performance basket and optimise your mutual fund optimisation diversification index tracker options.

Please remember: virtual investments may go down as well as up.
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8. Board Game: The Stupid Game [Average Rating:1.50 Unranked]
Andy Fitzpatrick
United Kingdom
London
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Swanky Game Analysis

Do you have problems working out how much profit your Agricola farm is making? Does Twighlight Struggle make your head hurt? Are you simply too freakin’ dumb to play Combat Commander?

Board gaming is meant to be fun, so maybe it’s time to streamline your game collection to suit your intellectual capacity.

Swanky Game Analysis is a premium service designed to do just that. For a spitefully large fee, we’ll transport all your games to our deluxe Game Analysis resort. There, Swanky and a number of his associates will rigorously test each and every game from your collection under a variety of play conditions. We will test your games in both indoor and outdoor environments; sober and intoxicated. Once analysis has been completed, we will measure your IQ according to how much you agreed to pay us. Finally, we will return only the games we think are suitable for you.

Due to our exhaustive testing methods, please allow 28 weeks for the return of any items.
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9. Board Game: Adult Late Night Games [Average Rating:5.00 Unranked]
Andy Fitzpatrick
United Kingdom
London
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Swanky Games Coaching

Does your girlfriend have trouble getting to grips with Power Grid? Does your soft-skinned young bride have problems with Space Hulk?

The painful truth is this; you’re useless at explaining rules. You need a professional games coach.

Lucky for you, you know one already!

Swanky Games Coaching is our most exclusive service. For practically no money at all, Swanky himself will arrive at your home. There, he will assess the applicant for ability, weight, height, perkiness, conversational expertise and overall suitability. If he believes the applicant would benefit from training, he will draw up a tailored learning programme. This will include weekend residential courses, evening classes and a midweek refresher session in the back seat of Swanky's car.

For further information, please send a student application form to the usual address. Please note, applications will not be considered without the inclusion of a full length colour photograph. This service is only available to females over the age of 18.
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10. Board Game: Liar's Dice [Average Rating:6.95 Overall Rank:412]
Andy Fitzpatrick
United Kingdom
London
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Swanky Dice Straightners

Do you worry about the randomness of your dice? Do you suspect your dice of cheating on you? Are you a numerologist who suffers from a morbid phobia of the number '5'?

Don't trust your dice to luck -- roll with Swanky for guaranteed satisfaction!

Swanky Dice Straightners will take the guesswork out of using dice. Pay us a random fee (times a thousand) and we’ll transport your dice to our deluxe Dice Straightning correctional facility. There, our crack team of backgammon addicts will check your six-sided friends for all forms of die malfeasance. Kinks will be unkinked, weights will be shifted and sides will be straightened.

Swanky Dice Straightners -- a service you can bet on (dice not included).
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lotus dweller
Australia
Melbourne
Victoria
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Swanky geekDetective
Being in London Swanky may (or may not) be prepared to research games at the great libraries in London. Swanky may even approach shady characters offering Geek Gold rewards for information as at "Private geekDetectives required globally for legwork" and name a price. Or maybe Swanky will be approached in a seedy port bar and made an offer.
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12. Board Game: Paranoid Delusions [Average Rating:4.50 Unranked]
Andy Fitzpatrick
United Kingdom
London
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Swanky Game Fixers

Do you hate losing to your friends? Do you always suspect them of cheating? Are you so incurably paranoid you’d happily pay us an absurd amount of money just to even the score?

You’ve just made Swanky very happy.

Swanky Game Fixers are the black ops specialists of board gaming. For a fee equal to your bank account number, we'll enter your friend’s homes while they sleep. There, our former Stasi operatives will expertly modify all board games on site. Covert modifications may include fixing dice, marking cards or even gluing your friend’s favourite colour pieces to the appropriate game board.

Clients in need of added protection for their fragile ego should enquire after our Deniable Operations platinum service. For an added fee (equal to your phone number including area code and country designation) our operatives will kidnap your gaming 'buddies'. They will then be flown to a neutral country where various coercion and intimidation methods will be employed against them including water boarding, LSD-induced mind control and bullying by men dressed as giant Meeples.

Remember; there’s no point in being paranoid unless you do something about it.
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13. Board Game: Move it! [Average Rating:5.60 Unranked]
Andy Fitzpatrick
United Kingdom
London
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Swanky Game Paralysers

Do your gaming buddies make you wait ages for your turn at the board? Do they suffer crippling analysis paralysis? Is their condition so severe you’re actually reading this while waiting for them to begin their turn?









Well, are you?!

Then don’t delay – call Swanky today!

Swanky Game Paralysers are experts in the field of treating analysis paralysis. For more money than you can afford, we’ll arrange for your gaming buddies to be kidnapped in broad daylight by men specially trained to shout in an intimidating manner for no particular reason*. Both your friends and their entire board game collection will then be transported to our secure Game Paralysis institute.

On arrival your friends will be securely placed inside one of our specially designed AP treatment cubicles. The most significant features of this small but comfortable sound-proof living space are the one-way glass built into the interior cubicle wall and the one-way intercom system. Through these devices the secured patient will be forced to watch and listen as our masked operatives play selected board games from their collection. At various intervals the operatives may ask the patient if they would like to take their turn at the board. Despite their best efforts the patient will not be able to communicate with our men.

As part of our advanced treatment plan the patient will be compelled to watch our men relax during the evenings with young female volunteers from the local area, in line with our employee benefits programme. It is possible that at some point during these proceedings the patient will be asked again if they would like to take their turn and then promptly ignored. This element of the treatment is crucial in developing within the patient the desired Accelerated Frustration Syndrome as a correctional antithesis to their analysis paralysis neurosis.

After treatment has ended the patient may, for some time, suffer minor behavioural problems, such as dribbling like a big stupid baby. This is quite normal. During this critical phase in recovery any efforts on behalf of the patient to stab you in the mouth with a rusty fork should not be taken personally and instead be seen merely as part of patient's social realignment programme.

Please note the length of treatment may vary according to the size of the patient’s game collection and the tolerance of your bank manager.

*Please inform us beforehand if your friends have any particularly strong xenophobic views so that we may have our operatives dress appropriately to further enhance the kidnap experience.
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