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Games That Need a Crotch Gusset
Chris Tannhauser
United States
San Diego
California
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Inspired by the thoughtful and thought-provoking discussion in this thread:

Because when you have manly nads and some dude totally needs boot-to-face therapy...

I have slowly come around to the idea, posited by the sage Joe Gola, that rage hormones need to circulate freely; in a street fight you're better off with them pumping through your face and feet, not trapped impotently in your Man McNuggets.

It got me thinking...

What is a board game if not an abstraction of ass-kicking?

...which leads to...

How much more ass could a game kick if it had the deadly freedom only a crotch gusset can afford?

As always, your wisdom is much appreciated—add your own!
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1. Board Game: Agricola [Average Rating:8.12 Overall Rank:6]
Chris Tannhauser
United States
San Diego
California
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Even pimped with plastic cows this one is restrained... Imagine trying to roundhouse the sneer off the face of the Chief while he does the You Su-uuck! dance on the steps of his 15-room stone mansion while you're wearing Fimo pants...

With a gusset you'd be placing a worker on the Craniofacial Trauma Action space with your boot!

And the ER doc would say, "I don't see it."

And you'd scream, "It's on the x-ray, fool! My peep is all up in the amygdala like a closet monster!"
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2. Board Game: Sherlock [Average Rating:6.34 Overall Rank:2486]
Chris Tannhauser
United States
San Diego
California
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Goes without saying. Plümpy isn't going to ring the Dinner Gong of the Nine Thundering Hells in anybody's noggin without the room to dangle.
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3. Board Game: Rotundo [Average Rating:5.58 Overall Rank:8406]
Joe Gola
United States
Redding
Connecticut
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Gussetless, Rotundo is a pleasant if unremarkable family game, suitable for pre-teens and grandparents alike. Scientific study has shown that there is little danger of volatile man hormones escaping from the batch zone (see photo).

However, when fitted with hidden crotch gusset, not only will Rotundo resist ripping out, but its latent facekicking potential will surge freely through its veins. Cinching of the man-basket will be eradicated and maximum dangle achieved, thus allowing full circulation of gamy male ichors. Additionally, there will be free range of movement for both devastating kicks (roundhouse, flying, double-pump, et al.) and calamitous leg throws (ankle lock at neck, calf behind knee, instep to armpit, &c.). Lighthearted fun-seekers playing casually will quickly discover that there is such a thing as a ball-card kick to the face, and while they lie on the ground crying over lost teeth one player will stand victorious over all.

If you do not own a cowboy hat and cannot open a tallboy by punching a hole through the top with your bare elbow, I do not recommend that you come to the table when Rotundo has the gusset going. Here in this world we have a thing called a smackdown, and you will discover that fact on the harshest terms possible.
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4. Board Game: Runebound: The Frozen Wastes [Average Rating:7.60 Unranked] [Average Rating:7.60 Unranked]
Diane Close
United States
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This game really needs a crotch gusset! I mean, just look the main evil dude -- his jeans are so tight his man parts are escaping!! surprise



Oh no, wait, I take that back, that's his, uhm, "dagger". blush

Well, as I was saying, he can't even sheath his "dagger" in a normal manner due to his overly-tight pants! There's simply no room in there for anything! whistle

And it's making him grumpy. And distracted. So distracted, in fact, that his girlfriend is lost somewhere on the continent of Isheim but he can't get off his butt and go find her because his pants are too tight!!

He's waited for her forever, but she hasn't shown up and now he's mad with despair and taking it out on everyone around him. Well, actually he's sending robots out to do it because his pants are too tight, so he can't possibly get off his own butt and fight for himself!

No, if you want to fight him, you have to go to his home town and knock on his door and punch him first and egg him on before he'll even try to fight back. Plus, if you've managed, in your wanderings, to find his stupid princess for him, then all fights are off and he embraces you as a brother because, well, his pants are too tight and he simply can't manage anything better.

But if he had a crotch gusset... Whooo boy! Look out below!
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5. Board Game: California [Average Rating:6.28 Overall Rank:1770]
Diane Close
United States
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If this game had a crotch gusset, then you could bet that the professor wouldn't stand idly by when the hot car mechanic babe, who dropped by to fix the motorcycle that happens to be parked in his living room, gets stolen by the Nerd-next-door with the Wii who shows her his impressive collection of "gifts".



With a crotch gusset he'd drop 1-2 in a row on Nerd-boy and Band-boy, claiming all three lovely ladies for himself, with the fact that he likes interior decorating in his spare time, no longer counting against him.
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6. Board Game: Magdar [Average Rating:5.29 Overall Rank:10632]
"It's a figure of speech, Morty"
United States
Lincoln
Nebraska
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Currently, there is only one thing standing between sneaky dwarves and boulder-based annihilation: Magdar's lava leapers. With the full range of motion that only a gusset can provide, sneaky dwarves will have to find a new line work
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7. Board Game: Timber Tom [Average Rating:6.61 Overall Rank:2312]
Was George Orwell an Optimist?
United States
Corvallis
Oregon
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If you're ever playing Timber Tom with Paul Bunyan, you'll find that Babe the Blue Ox swings a mean gusset.

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8. Board Game: Chess [Average Rating:7.10 Overall Rank:324]
Diane Close
United States
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If chess came with a crotch gusset, your pawn would be pwn'd, and the queen would deliver a roundhouse flying kick as a finishing move to the knights, resulting in a real life, furniture-based mini-game of Steeplechase. Yeah! You GO GIRL!!
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9. Board Game: Busen Memo [Average Rating:4.83 Overall Rank:10832]
Ed G.
United States
Fort Wayne
Indiana
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The title of the list has crotch and gusset in it, so I suppose that has something to do with busen. Right? After all, the busen aren't physically too far from the busen.
 
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