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Shocking Boardgame Headlines
Pat McLaughlin
Belgium
Brussels
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The recent geeklist Ban This Sick Filth! - Tabloids bash board games gave me an idea. What if the tabloids decided to write about the abominable goings on inside boardgames? Obviously wargames would be an easy target with their mass destruction of life and limb...but what about some of the more innocent looking Euro games? What nasty depths might the depraved meeples inside these games sink to?

Read on to find out. And of course feel free to write your own Shocking Boardgame Headlines.




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26. Board Game: Bohnanza [Average Rating:7.09 Overall Rank:277]
Greg Udvari
Hungary
Budapest
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Over regulation is weakening the bean growing market!
Bean growers are up in arms over regulations that require them to grow no more than two different types of beans on their fields. Even legislation to allow them a third kind if they decide to pay a "bean tax" has been labelled as "cynical attempt to make life difficult".
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27. Board Game: Carcassonne [Average Rating:7.44 Overall Rank:108] [Average Rating:7.44 Unranked]
Greg Udvari
Hungary
Budapest
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Monastery abandoned
A monastery built while the area was virtually uninhabited has been abandoned by the monk living there. Concerned by the lack of peace from the surrounding cities and roads, patience was finally lost when the monastery became totally surrounded. The monk vowed to build a new home "should the opportunity present itself".
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28. Board Game: Illuminati [Average Rating:6.22 Overall Rank:1799]
Dan Edelen
United States
Mount Orab
Ohio
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Local Scout Troop Admits Mafia Ties
Scoutmaster blames orbital mind-control lasers
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29. Board Game: Munchkin Quest [Average Rating:6.05 Overall Rank:2372]
Dan Edelen
United States
Mount Orab
Ohio
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Advocacy Group Little People of America Sues Gygax Estate
Seeks $10 million in punitive damages, HGH
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30. Board Game: Cosmic Encounter [Average Rating:6.95 Overall Rank:551]
JB Lawton
United States
Dublin
Ohio
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This space for rent
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Interstellar Hate Crimes

"Rampant genocide" and "ethnic cleansing" are two of the terms that galactic observers are using to describe the violence spasms of attack and counter-attack that are occurring across multiple space systems. Once-peaceful races have begun attacking neighbors solely because of their color.

"The randomness is probably the most mysterious aspect of it all," noted Prof. Uatu of the Hari Seldon Foundation, "It just doesn't make any sense. Instead of attacks followed by reprisals, victims are lashing out at other races, sometimes allying themselves with previous enemies."
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31. Board Game: Cleopatra's Caboose [Average Rating:5.69 Overall Rank:7300]
Dan Edelen
United States
Mount Orab
Ohio
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Egyptian Leader Undergoes Liposuction Procedure
M. Antonius: "Way too much junk in the trunk."
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32. Board Game: RoboRally [Average Rating:7.21 Overall Rank:220]
Me, sin? Pf! Nah! Chill
United States
Fountain Valley
California
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Should I stop doing the whole anagram thing?
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Congratulations! You found the hidden message! Geekmail your answer to me for your prize.
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Extremely Dangerous Factory Produces Nothing

No goods are manufactured here, despite all the extreme hazards of crushing, falling, burning, etc. The only thing "accomplished" by this factory is to take perfectly functional robots and "manufacture" them into piles of damaged robot parts. Fortunately, no humans have been harmed so far.
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33. Board Game: Globbo! [Average Rating:5.82 Overall Rank:7404]
kSwingrÜber
United States
Ridgefield
Washington
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Advanced Civilization Condones
Child Abuse!
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34. Board Game: Cootie [Average Rating:3.31 Overall Rank:10964]
Steve Herron
United States
Johnson City
Tennessee
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Never play block wargames with a dentist, they have those little mirrors to peek behind the block.
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Scientists baffeled of source of new bacterium
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35. Board Game: Hive [Average Rating:7.36 Overall Rank:144]
Andrzej Sieradzki
Poland
Opole
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We don't stop playing when we get old, but we get old when we stop playing.
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Hordes of giantic insects invade a peaceful village.
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36. Board Game: Modern Art [Average Rating:7.32 Overall Rank:178]
Andrzej Sieradzki
Poland
Opole
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We don't stop playing when we get old, but we get old when we stop playing.
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Unknown Da Vinci's masterpiece for sale.
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37. Board Game: Pandemic [Average Rating:7.66 Overall Rank:41]
Adam Brocker
United States
Gilbert
AZ
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Global epidemic threatens population extinction

News at 10.
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38. Board Game: Stone Age [Average Rating:7.65 Overall Rank:48]
Bret Clifton
United States
Spokane Valley
Washington
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Stave it off, 1 2 3, now you can count to three!
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Do I know what rhetorical means?
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Solid Gold Hut Excavated in Neolithic Village. Archeologists Baffled
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39. Board Game: Twilight Struggle [Average Rating:8.34 Overall Rank:1]
Nacho Facello
Uruguay
Montevideo
Montevideo
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Papal candidate sent to space
Karol Wojtila, the Polish cardinal considered a favorite to become the next catholic pope, has quit his position in the church to accept a Russian offer to become a Cosmonaut.
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40. Board Game: Small World [Average Rating:7.43 Overall Rank:105] [Average Rating:7.43 Unranked]
Steve B
United States
Rochester
New York
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Creationism real! God gets bored with just humans! Scientists baffled!

Note: I am not saying creationism ISN'T real...this is just what the headline would say
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41. Board Game: Igloo Pop [Average Rating:6.27 Overall Rank:1889]
Roger G. Sorolla
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Local Ice Giant Held in Hate Crimes against Inuit Children

Accused Gargantuan Thought Tots Were Fish Sticks, Claims They Enjoyed Home Destruction and Rough Shaking

Lawyer Hints At Insanity Defense
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42. Board Game: Nuclear War [Average Rating:6.21 Overall Rank:1759]
Bill Gallagher
United States
Torrance
California
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Unknown Illness Kills 25 Million People in Hours; Doctors Suspect Germ-Contaminated Propaganda Dropped from Aircraft
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43. Board Game: Star Wars: Return of the Jedi – The Play-for-Power Card Games [Average Rating:4.91 Unranked]
Dwayne Hendrickson
United States
Oklahoma City
Oklahoma
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IT'S A TRAP!!!
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44. Board Game: Thebes [Average Rating:7.21 Overall Rank:258]
Remus McRhymus
United States
Pennsylvania
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Prostitute
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Archeologists experience strange "Time Gap" phenomenon. Experts blame rare Egyptian artifacts linked to Space/Time Continuum.
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45. Board Game: War of the Ring (first edition) [Average Rating:7.85 Overall Rank:34]
Remus McRhymus
United States
Pennsylvania
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Two hairy-footed, pint-sized perverts caught entering "Crack of Doom"

gulp
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46. Board Game: Red November [Average Rating:6.39 Overall Rank:1101]
Remus McRhymus
United States
Pennsylvania
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Drunken dwarves sink sub
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47. Board Game: Leaping Lemmings [Average Rating:6.51 Overall Rank:1499]
Scott Henshaw
United States
East Bridgewater
Massachusetts
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Mad Scientists Plunge Animals to Death for Fun!
Geneticists have altered Lemmings leaping their to death for amusement
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48. Board Game: Poo: The Card Game [Average Rating:5.75 Overall Rank:4489]
Keith Sagers
United States
Gainsville
Florida
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Monkeys go berserk at local zoo!
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49. Board Game: Zombies!!! [Average Rating:6.00 Overall Rank:2608] [Average Rating:6.00 Unranked]
Steve B
United States
Rochester
New York
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AAAAHHHH!!!
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50. Board Game: Last Night on Earth: The Zombie Game [Average Rating:7.11 Overall Rank:340] [Average Rating:7.11 Unranked]
Bob Z.
United States
Rockville
Maryland
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ZOMBIE INVASION IN SMALL TOWN! SMALL GROUP OF INHABITANTS ESCAPE TO NEARBY SHOPPING MALL
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