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Shocking Boardgame Headlines
Pat McLaughlin
Belgium
Brussels
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The recent geeklist Ban This Sick Filth! - Tabloids bash board games gave me an idea. What if the tabloids decided to write about the abominable goings on inside boardgames? Obviously wargames would be an easy target with their mass destruction of life and limb...but what about some of the more innocent looking Euro games? What nasty depths might the depraved meeples inside these games sink to?

Read on to find out. And of course feel free to write your own Shocking Boardgame Headlines.




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51. Board Game: Prison Bitch [Average Rating:4.20 Unranked]
Chris Buhl
United States
Pittsfield
Massachusetts
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Board Game Banned In Prison!

Following on the heels of a courts' upholding a decision to ban the popular role playing game Dungeons & Dragons in prison (http://www.escapistmagazine.com/news/view/97794-Dungeons-Dra...), a local prison warden has also banned the game Prison Bitch.

When asked why he banned the game, the warden replied "I assume that's a rhetorical question?"

When asked if there was any connection between the D&D ban and the most recently barred game, the warden replied "Well, to be frank, the guy that used to play the D&D all the time kept trying to play this game once his first choice was banned. As you can imagine (based on him being known to other inmates as 'the candy a** who plays Dungeons and Dragons'), he lost quite frequently. We basically had to ban this game for his protection."
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52. Board Game: Caylus [Average Rating:7.90 Overall Rank:20]
Grand Prince Poutine Lord High Thrifter
Canada
Vancouver
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Labour unrest! Bailiff refuses to agree with Provost demands!
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53. Board Game: Thurn and Taxis [Average Rating:7.15 Overall Rank:255]
Grand Prince Poutine Lord High Thrifter
Canada
Vancouver
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Breaking news! Mail is successfully delivered!



This is just a joke.
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54. Board Game: Busen Memo [Average Rating:4.83 Overall Rank:10832]
Crazy Adam
Canada
Toronto
Ontario
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96 Breasts Found Hidden and Scattered. Police Baffled!
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55. Board Game: Dune [Average Rating:7.62 Overall Rank:131]
Christian Link
United States
Snowmass Village
Colorado
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Spoiler (click to reveal)
Duncan Idaho is the Kwizatz Haderach!


spoiler alert.
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56. Board Game: Bus [Average Rating:6.80 Overall Rank:1487]
Me, sin? Pf! Nah! Chill
United States
Fountain Valley
California
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City Bus Service A Chaotic Mess
Buses take passengers to random locations - Apathetic citizens don't care which job they work at or which house they come home to.

Also mad scientists occasionally stop time for a few hours, throwing schedules even further out of whack.
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57. Board Game: Merchants & Marauders [Average Rating:7.46 Overall Rank:139]
Ingo Keiner
Germany
Oberhausen
NRW
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Again Pirate Attack in Caribbean Sea!
Danish expert Marqzen: "I expected it!"
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58. Board Game: Carcassonne: Hunters and Gatherers [Average Rating:7.16 Overall Rank:282]
James King
United States
North Central Louisiana / No Longer A Resident of the Shreveport/Bossier City Area / Currently I sponsor gaming groups in Monroe & Alexandria, LA.
Louisiana
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INFARED SATELLITE IMAGERY REVEALS HIDDEN 35,000-YEAR-OLD MYSTERY!
Eye in the Sky Discerns Pattern of Previously Unknown Archeological Puzzle

CARCASSONNE, France, March 1, 1998 (Weekly World News) -- Taken during a recent orbital deep-scan survey overflight searching for ancient manmade landmarks, advanced infared satellite photos of the countryside surrounding modern-day Carcassone revealed faint previously unseen cross-hatching orthagonal lines, archaeologists say, which suggests prehistoric territorial boundaries of sorts, lending weight to prior evidence that competition for big game in the region during prehistoric times wasn't actually the only game in town.

"Quite the opposite," remarks Professor Klaus-Jergen Wrede of the National Institute of Advanced Studies (NIAS) in collaboration with the provincial archaeology department, Carcassonne. "Though its layout is extensive -- some 72 square territories have been discerned from satellite photos to date -- it would appear that the grid served to carve up the landscape into manageable territories which could plausibly support from two to five tribes."

"It's also important to note," Prof. Wrede continued, "that not only were hunting meadows thus dilineated but also forests and river banks, meaning that these ancient humans were not only hunters but also forest gatherers and fishermen. Back then, of course, although the straight lines marking the square land plots were more visible, they still weren't starkly prominent enough to have made effective tribal boundary markers."

Never one to rely on mere photographs of and visits to the archeological sites, Prof. Wrede has also undertaken a more hands-on approach.

"In ways that remain unknown to us," Wrede said, "the gridwork may have served to balance the resource needs of the resident tribes. How exactly, I won't even speculate just yet. But in addition to our regular archelogical diggings in the region, I'm also constructing a maquette of the gridwork that recaptures both the flora and fawna as well as the regional Carcassonne landscape as it appeared some 35,000 years ago. Perhaps in time, this gridded miniature scale model will help us to divine the reasons why and how such a gridwork evolved into being in the first place. But then again, since five tribal settlement sites have been found within the entire region, for all we know, those cavemen might well have utilized the gridwork for some sort of competitive inter-tribal games."

Professor Wrede hopes to complete his study and reveal his findings to the world by no later than 2002.

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59. Board Game: A Touch of Evil: The Supernatural Game [Average Rating:7.02 Overall Rank:506]
◄Raphael Grand►
Germany
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HEADLESS BODY IN TOPLESS BAR
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60. Board Game: And Now For Something Completely Different... The Board Game [Average Rating:3.83 Unranked]
Greg Udvari
Hungary
Budapest
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Wenn ist das nunstruck git und slotermeyer?
Ja! Beiherhund das oder die flipperwaldt gersput!
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61. Board Game: Space Alert [Average Rating:7.60 Overall Rank:78]
Alex H.
Germany
Aachen
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Astronaut found staring out of a window while rest of crew desperatly tries to fend off deadly Juggernaut. Suspension imminent?


Edit: spelling/grammar/addition
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62. Board Game: Blood Bowl (Third Edition) [Average Rating:7.58 Overall Rank:166]
Steve B
United States
Rochester
New York
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Secret underground football league kills its own players! Many players not even human!
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63. Board Game: Space Alert [Average Rating:7.60 Overall Rank:78]
Guido Gloor
Switzerland
Ostermundigen
Bern
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The statement above is correct.
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Space Travel is Safe After All

Earlier reports in our paper about space travel being insecure and security precautions at the space travel institute being insufficient were greatly exaggerated, our space security expert confirmed. It turns out that the training for recruits for recon missions is very thorough after all, and there is very little risk of space travellers being harmed during those prestigious deployments.

Our space security expert also stated that the black-suited men in the mysterious van that had visited him earlier in the day had nothing to do with the withdrawal of his claims, and that the pale color of his skin was coming merely from bad food.
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64. Board Game: Citadels [Average Rating:7.19 Overall Rank:215]
Wayne Hitchcock
Taiwan
Tanzih
Taichung County
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Man attacked by angry mob for not liking boardgame










five, four, three, two, one...
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65. Board Game: Age of Empires III: The Age of Discovery [Average Rating:7.62 Overall Rank:80]
ethidium bromide
Germany
Potsdam
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Local Tradesman Shot Dead by an Immigrant from Europe

The police and officials of the province government ask the capitol for help. ´This event can destabilize already tense situation in the region. We have here many potentially violent minorities´said one of law enforcement officers. The Church announced that is preparing a mission of special envoy to reconcile the fighting groups. So far no comments from the Kings Palace.
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66. Board Game: Greed Incorporated [Average Rating:7.00 Overall Rank:1095]
Brian Thomas
United States
Langhorne
Pennsylvania
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"I will take love wherever I find it, and offer it to everyone who will take it. Seek knowledge from those wiser, and teach those who wish to learn." -Duane Allman
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TENTH CIRCLE ADDED TO RAPIDLY GROWING HELL
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67. Board Game: Union Pacific [Average Rating:7.27 Overall Rank:289]
Hank Meyer
United States
Greenbelt
Maryland
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Insider stock trading scheme derailed!
An employee of the Union Pacific Railroad was arrested on suspicion of making illicit profits by investing in competitors railroad shares based on insider knowledge. Dewey Cheatam was arraigned yesterday, after sealed documents, containing a video clip from a review posted on BGG, showed Mr. Cheatem peeking at the deck of shuffled share and dividend cards when his opponents were glancing at a sporting event on TV> Knowing when the dividend card was about to be exposed, Mr. Cheatam made a series of seemingly illogical investments, but his 'foresight' was rewarded, albeit temporarily, when the early arrival of a dividend card gave him millions in ill gotten gains. Mr. Cheatam had no comment for the press.
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68. Board Game: Anno 1701: Das Brettspiel [Average Rating:6.75 Overall Rank:2481]
ethidium bromide
Germany
Potsdam
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Riots in the capital.
Ministry of Treasure disclosed today that there are two pieces of gold lacking in the national budget.

Peaceful protests and demonstrations turned into riots after a spread of the rumour that the government had made a big donation to the Queen. The government announces increased taxation and reduced spendings. The Chancellor asks for a few turns of peace.
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69. Board Game: El Grande [Average Rating:7.84 Overall Rank:27]
Hank Meyer
United States
Greenbelt
Maryland
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[b]Spanish soldiers discovered living in a dungeon!b]Hearing a lot of muffled knocking on a stone wall, local villagers chipped away at what appeared to be an abandoned fire watch tower that turned out to be a dank dungeon, where apparently several Spanish soldiers had been sent but subsequently forgotten by their commanding officer. "Conditions were deplorable' said one local resident. "The place reeked of rotten food, soggy boots and unwashed bodies. We're not sure how so many men entered the dungeon," described as a dark, forboding tower inhabited by rats and other vermin." Many of the soldiers staggered off into the distance, hoping to rejoin relatives in another region of Spain. A few tried to enter the King's castle and beg for their back pay, but found the bridge over the moat had been pulled up and a sign claiming a quarantine had been imposed within the castle walls blocking their way. One unnamed soldier vowed revenge, stating that he would find a way to restake his claim as mayor in his home town, even if it meant findign a way to banish soldiers from other platoons who had been occupying his territory for some time.
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70. Board Game: Junta [Average Rating:6.82 Overall Rank:648]
ethidium bromide
Germany
Potsdam
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Revolution in Republica de las Bananas! Government of Presidente Bantito overthrown!

Tonight after violent clashes between police and rebels, Bandito left the presidential palace and fled to Soviet Embassy. The leader of rebel forces general Pistolero has been elected an acting president of Republica de las Bananas.
´We will fight the corruption and we will regain trust of international institutions. Republica de las Bananas deserves peace and prosperity, thus me and my government will make sure the foreign help will be used there where it is needed the most.´said Pistolero in his first interview.
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71. Board Game: Talisman (Revised 4th Edition) [Average Rating:6.64 Overall Rank:833]
Mark Ashton
United States
Elmhurst
Illinois
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Armed Vagrants Wander Countryside
"Adventurers" assault locals, loot priceless artifacts, and stir up dangerous monsters

Bailiffs advise all law-abiding citizens to stay indoors

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72. Board Game: Galaxy Trucker [Average Rating:7.51 Overall Rank:86]
Jody O
Canada
Scarborough
Ontario
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Will Beg for VPs. No, I'm not proud.
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Galaxy Trucker Service Stinks, Under Investigation.

Mr. and Mrs. Dente recently booked a flight with A++ Universal Freight. They say their service was plagued with constant layovers, and their cabin smelled like sewage. "We walk out our front door, and we tripped over radioactive capsules. If I could change their name, I'd change it to A++ Fright!"

None of this being necessarily illegal, what has drawn the government's involvement is that they also say that they were charged an illegal 'convenience fee' of 2.25 galactic credits on their univisa. "Also, the tea was horrible" added an enraged Mr. Dente.

A Univisa spokesman said that although it does not comment on individual cases or tea, it forbids its dealers from charging these convenience fees and will look into the matter.

This is not the first time a universal transport company has been under scrutiny. Just three metacycles ago, Acme Logistics was caught transporting the banned species A41398, also known as tribbles.

We hope to have a response from the beleaguered company soon.
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73. Board Game: Roads & Boats [Average Rating:7.73 Overall Rank:179]
Remus McRhymus
United States
Pennsylvania
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New Gold Rush!! Miners leaving precious gold behind for the taking!

One miner was quoted as saying "Our donkeys can only hold so much and these dang geese following us around ain't helping any." which leaves this reporter wondering why I'm bothering writing this report - I've got to get me out there and find me some gold!!!
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74. Board Game: Offshore Oil Strike [Average Rating:6.00 Unranked]
Tim Myers
United States
Salem
Wisconsin
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Accident on Offshore Oil Rig Threatens Marine Life

... and stops oil production in the region.
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75. Board Game: Kingsburg [Average Rating:7.26 Overall Rank:198]
Nathan Bergom
United States
Towson
Maryland
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"Sometimes it would be nice to be wrong about people." -Commander Samuel Vimes
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Four provinces sacked by goblins! King sends only one soldier as aid!
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