$25.00
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$32.00
Chris Tannhauser
United States
San Diego
California
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SWEEP THE GODDAMN LEG
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1 , 2 , 3 , 4 , 5  Next »  [31]

2016-04-28 Players Location
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This game: All plays | User plays
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This game: All plays | User plays
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This game: All plays | User plays
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This game: All plays | User plays
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2016-04-27 Players Location
This game: All plays | User plays
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2016-04-24 Players Location
This game: All plays | User plays
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This game: All plays | User plays
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This game: All plays | User plays
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2016-04-22 Players Location
This game: All plays | User plays
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This game: All plays | User plays
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This game: All plays | User plays
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2016-04-21 Players Location
This game: All plays | User plays
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This game: All plays | User plays
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2016-04-20 Players Location
This game: All plays | User plays
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This game: All plays | User plays
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2016-04-19 Players Location
This game: All plays | User plays
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This game: All plays | User plays
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This game: All plays | User plays
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This game: All plays | User plays
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2016-04-15 Players Location
This game: All plays | User plays
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2016-04-13 Players Location
This game: All plays | User plays
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2016-04-10 Players Location
This game: All plays | User plays
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2016-04-09 Players Location
This game: All plays | User plays
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This game: All plays | User plays
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2016-04-08 Players Location
This game: All plays | User plays
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This game: All plays | User plays
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This game: All plays | User plays
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This game: All plays | User plays
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2016-04-07 Players Location
This game: All plays | User plays
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2016-04-05 Players Location
This game: All plays | User plays
*** START AT THE END TO READ THESE IN ORDER ***

NOV BETA — Ep. 18

Victory, it turns out, is one part cunning, two parts luck, and like five hundred bajillion parts money.

8-10
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2016-04-03 Players Location
This game: All plays | User plays
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This game: All plays | User plays
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2016-03-31 Players Location
This game: All plays | User plays
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This game: All plays | User plays
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2016-03-29 Players Location
This game: All plays | User plays
NOV ALFA — Ep. 17

Prissy Sparkle was not always Prissy Sparkle. She's on the tire swing pumping her Violet Crumble Jellies to get higher and then she's on the pole. Rainbow unicorn barrettes and hopscotch and Miss Mary Mack before the grim lap dance. Tea parties with mismatched dolls and cutting a john with a hidden razor. She dances through grad school, trading biology for biology, keeping the screaming to herself. And when she steps off that chopper into the storm of consuming humanity near Karachi she is unfazed, knowing like a religious Truth that the world is nothing but a foam of black holes. You shake every moneymaker you have until the silence falls out; you cut every john to fill those dead spaces with noise. When you need someone to draw the line between the living and the dead it turns out a bipolar stripper with a Ph.D. has a clearer picture of the game theory grid than most.

7-10
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2016-03-26 Players Location
This game: All plays | User plays
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This game: All plays | User plays
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This game: All plays | User plays
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This game: All plays | User plays
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2016-03-25 Players Location
This game: All plays | User plays
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2016-03-22 Players Location
This game: All plays | User plays
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2016-03-20 Players Location
This game: All plays | User plays
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2016-03-18 Players Location
This game: All plays | User plays
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This game: All plays | User plays
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This game: All plays | User plays
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2016-03-17 Players Location
This game: All plays | User plays
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This game: All plays | User plays
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This game: All plays | User plays
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2016-03-16 Players Location
This game: All plays | User plays
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This game: All plays | User plays
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This game: All plays | User plays
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2016-03-15 Players Location
This game: All plays | User plays
OCT BETA — Ep. 16

The world burns but it's okay because for every five minutes of stricken faces and screaming and drawn-up bundles of humanity curled in the dirt with flies ringing their weeping eyes like an anxious herd at the watering hole there's a soothing minute of cars slick as glass rolling beneath the lights of a KFC filled with glossy, laughing children, mouths full of perfect teeth that shine with the glint with too many dollar signs...

7-9
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2016-03-14 Players Location
This game: All plays | User plays
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This game: All plays | User plays
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This game: All plays | User plays
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2016-03-08 Players Location
This game: All plays | User plays
OCT ALFA — Ep. 15

The team starts wearing bandanas and blowing up paramilitary bases around the globe—and even one in Atlanta in a righteous act of domestic freedom-fighting. Later, they lure orphans to a warehouse in Chicago (with promises of Cabbage Patch dolls, Nintendo Entertainment Systems, and hugs from real live moms) where they are turned into bioreactors for an experimental vaccine, the blueprints of which came to the frozen head of Walt Disney in an extended dream sequence involving glitter, dugongs, and TV's first interspecies kiss.

7-8
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2016-03-05 Players Location
This game: All plays | User plays
SEP BETA — Ep. 14

Dr. Destiny Wallow returns when The Intern goes missing during an ill-advised coffee run in a fallen city; Smokey, Krystal, and Ginger head to South America, guided by the annoyingly chatty cryogenically frozen head of Walt Disney (played by Vincent Price) in a gilded dewar on wheels. With his help the mystery of YFHD is finally solved ("It was taquitos the whole time!") leading to total eradication. Of the disease—not the people. "Fire always tells the truth," says the frozen head of Walt Disney.

[cue laugh track]

7-7
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2016-03-03 Players Location
This game: All plays | User plays
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This game: All plays | User plays
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This game: All plays | User plays
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2016-03-01 Players Location
This game: All plays | User plays
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This game: All plays | User plays
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This game: All plays | User plays
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2016-02-25 Players Location
This game: All plays | User plays
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This game: All plays | User plays
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This game: All plays | User plays
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This game: All plays | User plays
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2016-02-23 Players Location
This game: All plays | User plays
SEP ALFA — Ep. 13

Smokey, Krystal, Ginger, and Dr. Chastity Ridzalot gear up to tackle the raging storm of YFHD* in South America when suddenly a traitor is revealed!** As a result the team gets The Intern, who cries a lot and never gets the coffee orders right. Meanwhile, the world burns when it pees.

6-7


*Yellow Flappy-Headed Disease, where the skin of the head, neck, and face becomes a single gigantic, "yelly" blister.

**Of course it's Chastity—it's always the new character with the foreign accent or lazy eye.
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2016-02-20 Players Location
This game: All plays | User plays
AUG BETA — Ep. 12

Chastity, Crü Ton, and Smokey Topaz find the long-lost Rex Dexter in a dumpster behind the Arby's just in time to hitch a ride on an armored column through Istanbul in a harrowing montage set to Elton John's "Tiny Dancer". The net result is a grocery list and confirmed alcoholism. Meanwhile, Crü Ton somehow gets the launch codes for a forgotten nuke in Kyrgyzstan and has to be talked off the ledge... with the language of boots, Rex Dexter's native tongue.

6-6
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2016-02-18 Players Location
This game: All plays | User plays
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2016-02-16 Players Location
This game: All plays | User plays
1x "Quickfire Apocalypse"

With some of the sliders moved. Interesting how different it felt, slower, slightly clunkier (?).

We have our work cut out for us...
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This game: All plays | User plays
AUG ALFA — Ep. 11

Two new members burst upon the scene—Dr. Chastity Ridzalot, a devil-may-care Médecins Sans Frontières merc, and Col. Long Wang, People's Liberation Army Ground Forces—as Asia is engorged with millions of cases of ARDS* in what the news is dubbing the "boner riots". Wang gets busy in the Middle East with his patented "lead therapy" while Dr. Ridzalot searches for a lost hero in Chennai. Meanwhile, someone finally notices that Crü Ton is missing.

6-5


*Angry Red Dong Syndrome. "Don't be afraid to ask your doctor about your angry red dong."
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2016-02-14 Players Location
This game: All plays | User plays
JUL ALFA — Ep. 10

The team is fêted at an antebellum cotillion—complete with cakewalk!—hosted by a noted industrialist who is found dead during the dessert course of what first appears to be a terrible new disease—but turns out to be just good ol'-fashioned patricide. Meanwhile, Destiny Wallow hyperventilates under a desk in Chennai.*

6-4


*It was at this point that critics began to turn on the show even as audiences turned it off; what had begun as a hard, sharp medical drama highlighting the shocking disparities between First World affluence and Third World wretchedness had devolved into a "corpse-of-the-week" costumed farce.
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2016-02-11 Players Location
This game: All plays | User plays
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This game: All plays | User plays
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2016-02-09 Players Location
This game: All plays | User plays
3x "Quickfire Apocalypse"

Surprisingly promising first session with rough mock-up deck.
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2016-02-07 Players Location
This game: All plays | User plays
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2016-02-06 Players Location
This game: All plays | User plays
JUN ALFA — Ep. 9

Ginger Sin steps in as Crü Ton takes a leave of absence to ride the rails hobo-style in long, soulful, clickety-clack montages of rural American sunsets set to Boxcar Willie's rendition of "The Wabash Cannonball"—and ends with him getting choked out in a truckstop bathroom. Meanwhile, the cure for Honkey Pox is simplified down to pretty much just stirring your coffee with a used pregancy tester stick. "Don't forget to lick!"

5-4
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2016-02-02 Players Location
This game: All plays | User plays
MAY ALFA — Ep. 8

A new member—Krystal Bang's longtime "rival" Smokey Topaz—joins the team just in time to see Cairo, Khartoum, and Joburg fall, no longer cities so much as convulsing vector hives that vomit endless streams of confused bioreactors into Europe and Asia. The WHO shifts gears from treatment to containment while Smokey pretends not to be aroused.

4-4
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2016-01-30 Players Location
This game: All plays | User plays
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This game: All plays | User plays
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This game: All plays | User plays
APR ALFA — Ep. 7

In A Very Special Episode of Sick Patrol, someone licks the Black Stone of the Kaaba, dooming millions in the Middle East to writhing horror. Meanwhile, Destiny Wallow refuses to eat a convenience store hot dog of dubious provenance.

3-4
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This game: All plays | User plays

MAR BRAVO — Ep. 6

Crü Ton appears during the opening credits with a pair of maracas—wearing nothing but a sombrero and a goofy smile—for an extended comic dance number to Carmen Miranda's Tico-Tico no Fubá that is suddenly cut short by 300,000 dead in South America.

2-4
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This game: All plays | User plays
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2016-01-29 Players Location
This game: All plays | User plays
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2016-01-21 Players Location
This game: All plays | User plays
"The Marcy Case", fourth run, final encounter:

Spoiler (click to reveal)
The chopper dusts off with the girl, leaving three time agents, two wrong girls, and a stupid-brave dog on the rooftop—with a ravenous mass of infected closing in. Walters spins up the gatling but someone lays a gentle hand on his arm and shakes their head slowly. "Time to punch out," they say. Walters nods and turns the gun on the girls first to minimize the horror, stitching them into jerking fountains of gore before tracking across the helipad to the running dog, then swiveling to ablate the other two team members. The gatling spins dry, the whine of the electric motor shockingly loud in the sudden lull, as the infected surge forward. Walters pops the harness and drops the gun, pivoting as he pulls his service weapon and snaps off three headshots to clear a hole. He's already running. There are hands on him as he reaches the edge and then over with no slowing, no hesitation, in typical Time Patrol fashion—

—there's a moment of almost quiet, weightless beneath a bright blue sky, sun-kissed windows crawling past, each one a portrait of a better day.


It—



It was nice.





He put a bullet in his brain when the concrete got close.


Freeze-frame time agents doing jumping high-fives.*

Roll credits.



*Don't look too long at the eyes. Just don't.
Details
This game: All plays | User plays
"The Marcy Case", fourth run, final encounter:

Spoiler (click to reveal)
The chopper dusts off with the girl, leaving three time agents, two wrong girls, and a stupid-brave dog on the rooftop—with a ravenous mass of infected closing in. Walters spins up the gatling but someone lays a gentle hand on his arm and shakes their head slowly. "Time to punch out," they say. Walters nods and turns the gun on the girls first to minimize the horror, stitching them into jerking fountains of gore before tracking across the helipad to the running dog, then swiveling to ablate the other two team members. The gatling spins dry, the whine of the electric motor shockingly loud in the sudden lull, as the infected surge forward. Walters pops the harness and drops the gun, pivoting as he pulls his service weapon and snaps off three headshots to clear a hole. He's already running. There are hands on him as he reaches the edge and then over with no slowing, no hesitation, in typical Time Patrol fashion—

—there's a moment of almost quiet, weightless beneath a bright blue sky, sun-kissed windows crawling past, each one a portrait of a better day.


It—



It was nice.





He put a bullet in his brain when the concrete got close.


Freeze-frame time agents doing jumping high-fives.*

Roll credits.



*Don't look too long at the eyes. Just don't.
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This game: All plays | User plays
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2016-01-19 Players Location
This game: All plays | User plays
MAR ALFA — Ep. 5

The team puts all their efforts into fancy dinner parties and the eradication of Honky Pox as the World Health Organization uncorks "Operation Crybaby" in response to widespread rioting in South America. São Paulo burns, an uncontained wildfire that spreads to Africa with distastrous results. Meanwhile, Crü Ton fails to get laid.

2-3
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2016-01-17 Players Location
This game: All plays | User plays
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This game: All plays | User plays
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This game: All plays | User plays
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2016-01-16 Players Location
This game: All plays | User plays
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This game: All plays | User plays
FEB BRAVO — Ep. 4

Rex Dexter takes a sudden leave of absence to be with his therapist, Jack Daniels, while a new member joins the team—Ginger Sin, former "co-worker" of Krystal Bangs. Meanwhile, Asia heats up but the only place things boil over is in the bedroom.

2-2
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This game: All plays | User plays
FEB ALFA — Ep. 3

The team takes a much needed vacation in South America where comic hijinks quickly turn to widespread explosive diarrhea and crying.

1-2
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2016-01-14 Players Location
This game: All plays | User plays
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This game: All plays | User plays
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This game: All plays | User plays
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2016-01-12 Players Location
This game: All plays | User plays
JAN BRAVO — Ep. 2

Rex Dexter develops the "Rex Dexter Maneuver", which may or may not involve setting fire to slums; Crü Ton's credentials are called into question; and Drs. Destiny Wallow & Krystal Bangs spend their entire time in Asia wide awake and drunk. And somehow, between that and a slo-mo half-naked pillow fight, they manage to smother Mother Nature's genetic flamethrower and save the world... for now.

1-1
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