Mr. Praline : 'Ello, Miss?
Owner : (turning around, very angry) What do you mean, "miss"?
Mr. Praline : I'm sorry, I have a cold.
(The owner nods, understanding.)
Mr. Praline : I wish to make a complaint!
Owner : (hurriedly) Sorry, we're closin' for lunch...!
Mr. Praline : Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this game, what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.
Owner : Oh yes, the, ah, Monty Python Fluxx... What's, ah... W-what's wrong with it?
Mr. Praline : I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. It's inconsistent, that's what's wrong with it.
Owner : No, no, it's ah... it's constantly improving.
Mr. Praline : Look, matey, I know a inconsistent game when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.
Owner : No no, i-it's not inconsistent, it's, it's constantly improvin'!
Mr. Praline : Constantly improvin'?
Owner : Y-yeah, constantly improvin'. Remarkable game, Monty Python Fluxx, isn't it, eh? Beautiful artwork!!
Mr. Praline : The artwork don't enter into it. It's always changing the rules once the game starts!
Owner : Nononono, no, no! It's constantly improvin'!
Mr. Praline : All right then, if it's constantly improvin', I'll see how it works!
(shouting out the text on the card)
GOAL: This is an ex-parrot: You win if you have the Resting Parrot and the Grim Reaper on the table in front of you.
(plays the card)
Owner : There, it got better!
Mr. Praline : No, it didn't, that was just a bloody rules change making it harder to win!
Owner : No it wasn't!!
Mr. Praline : Yes, it was!
Owner : It wasn't, wasn't....
(reads from the Grim Reaper card)
Mr. Praline : CREEPER! YOU CANNOT HOLD THIS CARD, BUT MUST PLACE IT FACE UP IN FRONT OF YOU!
(He slams his fist on the table, horribly hard.)
IF YOU DREW IT, IMMEDIATELY DRAW ANOTHER CARD TO REPLACE IT.
(He does it again, harder.)
YOU CANNOT WIN IF YOU HAVE THIS CARD UNLESS THE GOAL STATES OTHERWISE.
(He tosses it up in the air and watches it plummet to the floor. Longish pause.)
Now that's what I call making it harder to win.
Owner : No, no.... No, it's holding the other players back.
Mr. Praline : HOLDING THE OTHER PLAYERS BACK?
Owner : Yeah! You held the game up, just as someone else was about to win! Fiendishly clever play, major.
Mr. Praline : Look my lad, I've had just about enough of this. That game is always changing the rules after it starts, and when I bought it not half an hour ago, you assured me that the fact that only 100 cards were in the box would provide a similar experience every play.
Owner : Well, it's... it's, ah... probably just needs a couple of plays to settle the rules down.
(Praline looks angrily back and forth, stuttering.)
Mr. Praline : NEEDS a couple plays to SETTLE THE RULES DOWN? What kind of talk is that? Look, why did the rules change the moment I shuffled the cards?
Owner : Monty Python Fluxx improves when the cards are shuffled! Remarkable game, isn't it, guv, eh? Lovely artwork!
Mr. Praline : (coldly) Look, I took the liberty of examining that game when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it had any consistency at all was because you always start with "Draw one card, play one card" rule.
(pause)
Owner : Well, of course it starts with that rule! If I hadn't nailed that rule down at the start of the game, it would have slipped to the top of the deck, played at an inopportune moment, and made the game PREDICTABLE!
Mr. Praline : "PREDICTABLE?"
(Praline puts the game and takes the rulebook into his hands.)
Mr. Praline : Look matey, this game wouldn't be predictable if you added indigo and elected a governor! It's inconsistent!
Owner : It's not! I-It's settling the rules down!
Mr. Praline : It's not settling down the rules, it's always changing! This game is unpredictable! It has nothing consistent! It's throwing balls into a milk can at the carnival! This is an endeavor of chance! It's a gamble! Bereft of stability, it is constantly shifting! If you didn't start with one rule it would have no logical uniformity between plays! Its win/loss results are of interest only to statisticians who have no coins to toss! It's random! It's shuffled off this strategic session! It's run down the curtain and joined the ranks of Killer Bunnies and the Quest for the Magical Carrot! This.... is a LUCK-FEST!
(pause)
Owner : Well, I'd better replace it, then.
(He disappears behind the counter.)
Mr. Praline : (turning to camera) If you want to get anything done in this country you've got to complain 'til you're blue in the mouth.
(The owner returns.)
Owner : Sorry guv, we're fresh out of games.
Mr. Praline : I see. I see, I get the picture.
Owner : (quietly) I-I've got a slug.
(pause)
Mr. Praline : (sweet as sugar) Does it take 10-40 minutes to play?
Owner : Not really, no.
Mr. Praline : Well, it's SCARCELY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT then, IS IT?
Owner : Listen, I'll tell you that, tell you what, if you go to my brother's FLGS in Bolton, he'll replace your game for you.
Mr. Praline : Bolton, eh?
Owner : Yeah.
Mr. Praline : All right.
(He leaves.)
(CAPTION: "A SIMILAR FLGS IN BOLTON, LANCASHIRE")
(The customer enters a very similar FLGS, with a sign on the front reading "Similar FLGS, Ltd." The owner, who looks similar to his brother, is putting on a large false moustache in order to better distinguish himself from his brother. Which he isn't. Praline looks about and finds it to be very similar indeed. And when he finds his same game, with the same cards inside, that just about clinches it.)
Mr. Praline : Uh, excuse me, this is Bolton, is it?
Owner : (with the fake mustache) No, it's Ipswitch.
Mr. Praline : (looking at the camera) That's inter-city rail for you.
(Mr Praline goes to the train station. He addresses a man standing behind a desk marked "Complaints.")
Mr. Praline : I wish to make a complaint.
Attendant : I don't have to do this, you know!
Mr. Praline : I beg your pardon...?
Attendant : Well! I never wanted to do this in the first place. I wanted to be... A MEEPLE!
Last edited on 2009-01-26 10:43:49 CST (Total Number of Edits: 2)
Posted Mon Jan 26, 2009 4:44 am
