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Subject: I've lost 15 pounds in less than four weeks! rss

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Sean Todd
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And all it took was a bout of major depression after my wife asked for a divorce. The appetite suppression is effective, but the other symptoms really suck.

Anyone else been through it? When do things become fun again?
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Matthew M Monin
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Things become fun again some time after you are done mourning, which can be a long process - especially if you cared about what you are mourning over.

Hang in there - it's an unexpected end to a chapter, and such dramatic direction changes are often traumatic and generally suck - but it's not The End.
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Sean Todd
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Thanks Octavian, that helps.


I still totally disagree with you about Brett Favre and the Vikings.
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Scott A. Reed
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Thanks Matt for being the beacon of reason in a sea of uncertainty. Did I say beacon? I meant bacon. MMM. . . bacon.
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\m/ Stoner Rock \m/ (Joe)
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It doesn't feel right thumbing this, but here's my support as I'm going through something similar. Yeah, the appetite is one of the first things to go.. but honestly I'm just glad that I no longer wake up in the middle of the night every night with the complete inability to fall back asleep. That was debilitating.

Is she open to discussion/counselling about the situation, or are things irreconcilable in her mind? Feel free not to say if it hurts to talk about it, but sometimes it can help a little to get things off your chest.
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On Monday mornings, I'm dedicated to the proposition that All Men are created jerks.
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I gave this a thumbs up for the weight loss before I read the post. Sorry, man. I can't imagine what it's like.
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Good luck going through this rough period.
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Sean Todd
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dedbob wrote:
Yeah, the appetite is one of the first things to go.. but honestly I'm just glad that I no longer wake up in the middle of the night every night with the complete inability to fall back asleep. That was debilitating.


My symptoms are pretty textbook from the questions they ask you at the doctor: poor appetite, poor sleep, concentration gone, fun things aren't fun, and mood = sad.

I've been on an antidepressant now for a little under four weeks and my appetite is improving. The exercise probably helps with that. I've moved into a new apartment, bought a weight set, and attacked the stairclimber. My sleep is better. Ambien helped, Ambien CR helped more. I'm actually sleeping pretty well the last few nights (the first three weeks were pretty terrible for sleep). From what I understand, the concentration, "fun ain't fun", and mood are the last to improve.

CameronL wrote:
Is she open to discussion/counselling about the situation, or are things irreconcilable in her mind? Feel free not to say if it hurts to talk about it, but sometimes it can help a little to get things off your chest.


She's just been processing it longer than I have. It was both a shock and something I could see coming. We just drifted too far apart to pull it back together again. When she told me, I tried to process something in a week that takes a year or more and my head fell off a cliff. I'm now trying to get through a day at a time, make small goals, and just breathe.

When you spend twenty years with someone, you can't just replan your future in a heartbeat. You have to take some time to erase the chalkboard, clean the erasers, and take a step back to look at everything before you start thinking about how you're going to fill it all in again.
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\m/ Stoner Rock \m/ (Joe)
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Well, at least you've got a fairly positive outlook on the big picture. That's probably a great place to start.
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Finally. A Chit Chat thread involving my specialty... divorce.

Having been married four times I assure you, this too shall pass. Maybe. Depends on whether you take the bull by the horns and forge ahead with a new life for yourself.

I left my first wife. I was only 21 and she was a Vegas showgirl turned nude dancer I when we moved to LA. Seemed like the right move at the time so... no depression.

My second wife... the Hippie girl who I stole away from the bass player for the band Spooky Tooth had a habit of deserting me in the night or when I was at work and returning to her mother's house. After the thrid time I filed for divorce. She got straightened out, married a RE agent and adopted 5 kids. Really.

Third wife kind of surprised me like yours did. After almost 15 years and while we still had two elementary age kids she blithely announced she wanted a divorce. I was pretty confused for quite some time. I ended up with the kids and the house because she didn't want the pressure and felt I was a better parent to get them through to college. It worked out that way.

Fourth wife was some sort of mutant bi-polar psycho who kept it hidden until about two years in. Then after a couple more years of her wild mood swings, freaky New Age music and the obsessive acquisition of healing crystals, marijuana pipes and stuffed rabbit dolls I divorced her when she started having an affair with her boss... who lived 1500 miles away. It was a two year war but I managed to get through it financially mangled but smiling.

Then, 6 years with my last "partner". No more marriage for me. Good thing too. She violated pretty much every domestic agreement she made with me regarding the care of my small ranch, the number of horses allowed and the domestication of her three girls. I launched the first salvo by surprising her with custody papers for our son (who was 2 at the time). Good thing I did because it put me in the driver seat and he lives with me 80% of the time and one misstep by her and I can get sole custody.

There are some pretty interesting reasons why women do what they do after 10, 15 or even 25 years of marriage and the devastation on men's health and emotional well-being have been under reported. Mostly we're left out in the cold emotionally, financially and even socially. As you'll see in the article I'm linking the primary meme about men and women in divorces is that women suffer economically while men do better. Despite the fact that the study that started that meme has been admitted by the author as having wrong data, the "reality" persists.

My recommendation is to be a self-serving prick. Take care of yourself in the divorce and don't give up anything you aren't forced to. Trust me, trust me, trust me... she has declared war and no matter what wondrous loving moments you have had... you do not declare war on anyone but your enemy.

Read the article here:

Sudden Divorce Syndrome

Marriage really does have the remarkable effect of turning boys into men in most cases. My opinion is that the best post-divorce strategy is to stay a man and don't revert to being a boy. It's unseemly in middle age.
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Sean Todd
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That article was interesting. I'm glad we're going through a mediator. I'll try to get that process started soon.

I was really surprised that I won't be able to take the kids as dependents on my taxes. My wife may not make enough for a while for the tax deduction to even matter to her, so our taxes may go way up.
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Stephen Dunne
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DWTripp wrote:


My recommendation is to be a self-serving prick. Take care of yourself in the divorce and don't give up anything you aren't forced to. Trust me, trust me, trust me... she has declared war and no matter what wondrous loving moments you have had... you do not declare war on anyone but your enemy.



Tripp speaks the Truth of All Truths here. A lesson that nobody shared with me when my divorce started. I was told to place nice, be understanding, etc. To hell with that. He is right, this is combat and you need to go for the throat. I don't know if there are children involved, and the resulting custody issues, but after that period of time there will be property division, and you need to be prepared to fight for your stuff, and for yourself.
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greyareabeyond wrote:
That article was interesting. I'm glad we're going through a mediator. I'll try to get that process started soon.


I don't know where you live, but here, in Idaho, there is no requirement for non-court ordered mediation. The courts order mediation when children are involved. Other than that I would recommend you avoid mediators like the plague. They DO NOT have your personal interests in mind. They only care about "resolving" whatever emotional and/or technical issues are involved. Fuck 'em. They are, for the most part, useless and will give away your soul along with your income just to "resolve" conflict.

Divorce is conflict. It has a winner and it has a loser. There is no team anymore. The only thing that matters is a) the welfare of your kids and b) your personal welfare. In my view the welfare of my children is directly a result of my own personal welfare. the healthier I am emotionally is a major component of my ability to earn and do the critical tasks of being a father. Every dime, every tax deduction, every "victory" I conceded to my former wife/partner detracted from the resources I NEEDED to be a responsible parent.

In fact, it's easy for anyone to be cavalier and say "Oh, but she will also use the money and time to be a good mother". Really? Says who? She's the one who torpedoed me, our marriage and the wholeness of the family by just up and deciding that she didn't want to be married any longer. Though I like and enjoy a good friendship with my older kid's mother and even the mother of my 7 year old... each of them proved by their actions that they in fact, DID NOT, place as high a value on our children and the relationship we all had as I placed on those things.

No reason was ever provided me to trust them (and give away the assets) other than she is their mother. Yep. So what?

Quote:
I was really surprised that I won't be able to take the kids as dependents on my taxes. My wife may not make enough for a while for the tax deduction to even matter to her, so our taxes may go way up.


Huh? Who told you that? If you have 50/50 custody then either parent can grant, on a year-by-year basis, the deduction to the other parent. If you have sole custody... which I would recommend... then you have those deductions. Unless tax codes have changed or you're referring to some peculiarity of your state deduction I'm confused.

When I filed for custody of my young son I was the plaintiff. That put me squarely in the driver seat because the plaintiff normally doesn't have to "prove" anything in custody issues. His mother fully understood that after the first few days of being shocked and she quickly negotiated a 50/50 situation with no child support either way and me controlling the disposition of the deduction for our son. Since she has a pittance of an income I give her the deduction every year and it puts some money in her pocket.

That's why I say treat them like the enemy they are. Grab as much of the control issues as you can and marshal them into your corner. Then, dispense them out as 'favors' or as components in negotiating larger issues concerning your children's welfare.

I may seem cynical but really... how cynical does a person have to be to surprise their husband of 20 years with a divorce?
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Sean Todd
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DWTripp wrote:
Quote:
I was really surprised that I won't be able to take the kids as dependents on my taxes. My wife may not make enough for a while for the tax deduction to even matter to her, so our taxes may go way up.


Huh? Who told you that? If you have 50/50 custody then either parent can grant, on a year-by-year basis, the deduction to the other parent. If you have sole custody... which I would recommend... then you have those deductions. Unless tax codes have changed or you're referring to some peculiarity of your state deduction I'm confused.


I may have misread something in the article you linked to. Or maybe it applied to the guy in the article because his wife was granted sole custody.
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Sean Todd
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Thanks for reminding me that if I don't advocate for myself in this situation, no one will.
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