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"Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys."
"At start, no has lyte. An Ceiling Cat sayz, 'i can haz lite?' An lite wuz."
"Save the cheerleader, save the world."
"... just because you're paranoid doesn't mean there isn't an invisible demon about to eat your face."
"You're unconscious, moron. We can finally talk to one another."
"So you made a life changing decision not to change your life at all?"
"Figuring out if a car is tailing you is mostly about driving like you're an idiot. You speed up, slow down, signal one way, turn the other. Of course ideally you're doing this without your mother in the car."
"Oh, yeah. Oooh, ahhh, that's how it always starts. Then later there's running and screaming."
"You know the law of averages says: Anything will happen that can.
That's what it says.
But the year the Cubs last won a national league pennant
Was the year we dropped the bomb on Japan"
"I've always admired your ability to be unilaterally irritating."
"The President is a tattle-tale!"
"It occurs to me that when my mother taught me to speak, she entrusted a deadly weapon to my worst enemy."
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Kirk Lazarus: Everybody knows you never go full retard.
Tugg Speedman: What do you mean?
Kirk Lazarus: Check it out. Dustin Hoffman, Rain Man, look retarded, act retarded, not retarded. Counted toothpicks, cheated cards. Autistic, sho'. Not retarded.
You know Tom Hanks, Forrest Gump. Slow, yes. Retarded, maybe. Braces on his legs. But he charmed the pants off Nixon and won a ping-pong competition. That ain't retarded.
Peter Sellers, Being There. Infantile, yes. Retarded, no.
You went full retard, man. Never go full retard. You don't buy that? Ask Sean Penn, 2001, I Am Sam. Remember? Went full retard, went home empty handed...
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My Hot 10 are the most played in the previous calendar month.
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