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Every Man Needs A Shed

Life and games (but mostly games) from Tony Boydell: Independent UK games designer, self-confessed Agricola-holic and Carl Chudyk fan-boy. www.surprisedstaregames.co.uk What was that beardy bloke going on about?

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Granddad

Anthony Boydell
United Kingdom
Newent. Glos
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(with apologies to Armando Iannucci)

(Tony sits in a large, inflatable armchair covered with so many puncture-repair plasters. His back is straight, his knees are together - in the Catholic fashion - and his hands placed,palms up, on his lap. A partially-eaten Eccles cake dries slowly in front of a log-burning stove. An adjacent, pristine inflatable chair stands empty)

Tony: (directly to you, dear reader) I'm just waiting for my grandfather…

(A log cracks loudly in the flames and a shower of sparks lands on the hearth)

Tony: ...he'll be along in a minute…

(a short cough)

Tony:…here he comes…

(The door bell rings)

Tony: (calling) Come in, grandfather!

(An aged gentleman enters - he looks exactly like Tony, but with bad Hollywood 'age' makeup on. He totters over to the spare inflatable chair and falls face-first into it. It bounces away onto the stove and pops. Acrid black smoke from the burning plastic quickly fills the room)

Tony: Hello, grandfather; I was just thinking about adapting life-jackets for colostomy patients who spend a lot of time at sea.

Grandfather: We never used to have colostomy bags in my day…we used to have a hole in the ground and a wheelbarrow. When you fancied a little walk, you'd put the hole into the wheelbarrow and took it along with you.

Tony: And what about board games? How was it different when you were a "wee bairn"?

Grandfather: There weren’t so many Reiner Knizia games for a start – you had only three or four hundred to choose from. Of course, we were at war with Reiner…and Friedemann Friese…twice.

Tony: Did that affect the games that you were able to play?

Grandfather: Of course! When you’re at war with someone, you don’t buy their excellent boardgames at the same time – every copy of Die Macher would fund a doodlebug; every Adlungspiele deck another tank shell!

Tony: So, what games DID you play?

Grandfather: We used to sit around the hearth of an evening looking at a picture of Settlers of Catan that we got off the Black Market. Munchkin was very popular, but only for the first 3 minutes of any given games evening; we used to get them off the GI’s in return for ‘favours’…

Tony: ‘Favours..?’

Grandfather: (blushing) I’m not proud of it, lad, but they were hard times and if you didn’t ‘go’ with the Yanks, you ended up with half a Monopoly set or worse…

Tony: Snakes and Ladders?

Grandfather: (angry; stands and waves his false elbow at the mantel) I’ll not have that name spake in t’house, lad. (calms down) During the Coronation in ’52, after the war, we went round next doors and saw a colour version of Carcassonne on their television – it were only the basic set then, of course.

Tony: The television?

Grandfather: No – Carcassonne. And we used to play Finca with real fruit, though figs were hard to come by so we used shriveled Ox scrota instead.

Tony: (pausing, a grapefruit speared on his thumb) Was it about this time that you met Grandma?

Grandfather: Yes it were! There used to be these Theme nights down at the Town Hall; you know the kind of thing: ‘Big Games In A Small Box’, ‘The Letter P’, ‘Games you will Hate almost immediately’ – that kind of thing. Your grandma was demo-ing a session of Illuminati: New World Order and I was on the next table playing Agricola: Farmers of the Moor. Our eyes met across the animeeples.

Tony: Sounds wonderfully romantic!

Grandfather: Not really – when I say ‘our eyes met’, I mean that my glass eye and hers had popped out and rolled across the floor like marbles. According to the Cambridge Rules, MY eye bombsie-d HER eye so it were mine to keep.

Tony: (aghast) You both had glass eyes?

Grandfather: Oh yes. It was all the rage then – like ear-piercings or Thunderstone. My friend Bill lost a thumb in Sicily and had it replaced with a miniature set of Villa Paletti…and my old Sergeant had his cock and balls swapped for a dice tower….nice one...with stickers and everything.

Tony: Let's go back to the war, grandfather; after all it was a difficult time for the gaming community and, being an old fart, that's all you want to bloody go on about anyway…what was it like playing tournament –level Ticket To Ride against the Hun?

Grandfather: Churchill banned all pens as they were being converted into knives, submarines and wotnot, so that ruled out Railway Rivals. The Yanks dropped demo copies of Ticket To Ride all over mainland Europe and it quickly became a propaganda nightmare. The Bosch were better at it than us, you see. Some of the lads down ‘the Legion’ still won’t talk about the Marklin edition.

Tony: You mentioned the Blitz - how did you cope?

Grandfather: Multiplayer Magic: The Gathering began to get popular back then. It's natural when you're all cooped up in a Nissan hut - it's either Emperor or talking to Mrs Scroggins about black-market bacon.

Tony: Was there a black market for TCG's too?

Grandfather: Oh yes! Spivs would come round the pubs offering "Carpet Of Flowers for the Lady?" or "Genuine Spectral Tigers?" or (singing) "Cockles and Netrunner Boosters - Alive, Alive-Oh!"

Tony: That sounds like a jolly song - were there any others?

Grandfather: "Roll Through The Barrel" was quite popular; so was "Hitler Has Only Got One Power Station", "My Old Man's A Semi-Professional Backgammon Player", ‘I’ve Got A Lover-ly Bunch of Macao-nuts’, ‘Rondel, Rabbit, Rondel’ and ‘Knees Up, Mother Bauza’.

Tony: (standing) Would you like a cup of tea before you die?
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Fri Apr 22, 2011 10:26 am
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Poetry please!

Anthony Boydell
United Kingdom
Newent. Glos
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Rejoice!
(after Shakespeare)
Shall I compare thee to the Family Game?
Thou art more complex and more intricate:
Start play’r doth put thy drafted cards in play,
And stone it never e’er accumulates:
Sometime two reed is there for you to take
And often occupation’s tightly fought
And mighty wars do rage for Sow and/or Bake
With ovens, Well and workshops keenly bought
But thy eternal appeal shall not fade
Nor leave the gaming table ne’er returning
Nor sold on eBay or in Maths Trade
I think I’d rather see my gonads burning!
So long as gamers snipe on BGG
Agricola remains the number one for me.

Lamentation
(after Auden)
Stop playing Occs, stop taking reed/food/stone,
Prevent the build of fences, no renovation
Cook up the animals and with Action One
Take the food off Fishing, let the Harvest come.

Let fields be ploughed no more, nor grain be sown,
Don’t Build rooms or stables, no family’s grown
The bonus points on score pad we’ll not jot
No Well, no Ovens, no turner of the Pot

‘Gric is my Mon, my Tues, my Wednesday’s best,
My gaming week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that I would play this game for ever: I was wrong.

The Sheep are not wanted now, pack up every ‘meeple;
Pack up the Cattle, boar, the player people,
Store away the E-deck and sweep up the wood.
For nothing now can ever come to any good.

Merriment
There is a great game called Agricola
With its rules I can be quite a stickler
I think its so good
That I often get Wood
Then I take 'Family Growth' in particular

A-haiku-la
Five wood and two reed?
No prizes for what I plan
To do next action
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Thu Apr 21, 2011 10:07 am
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It's not the games you play...

Anthony Boydell
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Rob, a very dear (and long-time) friend of mine, died a couple of months ago. He had been suffering from Hodgkin's Lymphoma for four years and finally, after an aggressive series of chemotherapy treatments, succumbed to the inevitable.

I dreamt about him last night.

Rob and I first met 25 years ago over a game of Warrior Knights which was being run by a mutual pal. He had a dry sense of humour and a keen mind - enjoying those war-sim board games of the 80s (the ones with 1000+ small squares of card). Over the following couple of years, and mainly while I was on a year out of College (work experience 'sandwich' year), we met twice a week to play games and more just to go out drinking.

We played Risk, Blood Royale, Diplomacy, Axis & Allies and more. We role-played (alternating duties as GM/referee): Rob did Boot Hill, I did a Watchmen-take using DC Heroes, Hadyn did Star Wars and Hadyn's brother Mark did everything else (he is a phenomenally talented imagineer!).

I introduced Rob to Magic: The Gathering, though he never had any money to buy cards himself; I made it my goal to swap and trade a wheeler-deal my way to getting him a Black Lotus...it ended up being an International Edition Black Lotus, but it's a Lotus nonetheless!

He was part of our lives when I married and had children, a doting 'Uncle' to our developing brood. He play-tested and then enjoyed many hours of The Black Overcoat Boardgame, my first 'proper' foray into games design. He even drew some of the art on the cards.

As our lives moved apart, he (due to illness) staying at home with his wonderful parents, and us with our expanding family, we still kept in regular touch. Whenever he visited, we would spend the evenings getting tipsy and playing new games (I'd discovered Euros & Essen by this time!)

Sadly, various medical issues meant he found it more and more difficult to learn new games and, having a terrible memory, found it hard playing the ones we already had.

Then we found out he had Cancer. In fact, he'd popped in to see us with his Mum and didn't mention anything - it was only his mother whispering the news to us on their way out that we ended up knowing. Heart-breaking news to hear.

We, of course, kept in touch - sometimes visiting - but our busy lives meant this was less frequent than we would have liked. Last Christmas, we couldn't get in touch and feared the worst! At the end of January, however, Rob called me up around Superbowl time (a particular obsession of his) and we had a fantastic 30 minute stupid chat: joking, laughing, reminiscing. Four weeks later he was dead and cremated. Gone.

There's no particular point to this post - apart from remembering someone who made my life better for being in it.

God bless him and anyone that you have known in similar circumstances.

It's not the games you play but the people you play them with.
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Wed Apr 20, 2011 10:17 am
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For the joy of being alive and steaming

Anthony Boydell
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Newent. Glos
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Railway games are an astonishing phenomena in the gaming world - just looks at the variety and complexity: from the family-friendliness of Ticket to Ride through the more complex shenanigans of Age of Steam/Steam to the ridiculous, time-swallowing share madness that is the 18xx family.

Why do trains have such an enduring appeal?

Simple...because they're a fantastic representation of nature's power harnessed and directed; because we all love building and we love interconnections...and because those great steam beasts make noises like snorting dragons as they power and puff passed!

I mention this because today I embarked on a traditional holiday 'day out': a 4 mile walk through woodland and valley, through stream and gritted pathway, from the village of Goathland (Hogsmead station in the first Harry Potter movie) to Grosmont and then riding the train across the North Yorkshire Moors to Pickering and back. All of this done in wonderful weather - bright, hot and blue-skied! Dusty, coal-y steam blowing in your face as you belt along great cracks in the landscape, over boulder-filled becks and through sleepy villages comprised solely of holiday cottages. Five hours of ambling, rambling, child-on-the-shoulder-carrying, puff-puff-puffing delight!

If you hate railway games, then you ain't never been on a real railway!

A lost Eskdale Bridge


Rusted Majesty approaching Grosmont Station


Perhaps the best view in the world...Grosmont (the final approach) - the walk is nearly over and train ride is about to begin!


Its a steaming big engine!


Beautiful junk


Approaching Pickering (outbound)


Approaching Goathland (inbound)


A Guards van (Goathland)
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Tue Apr 19, 2011 5:28 pm
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Tightening One's Belt

Anthony Boydell
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It's just too beautiful outside and, as any fule no, ice-cream won't eat itself. So, here's a little something I tossed off while everyone else prepared for our trip to a Castle - feel free to join in with suggestions of your own!

In these austere times when one must make do and mend, when the global financial meltdown has left us all feeling pinched, it only makes sense that we should trim our luxury expenditure, hunker down for the long haul and just be miserable (and be happy being so). Board games are a tremendous way of investing a small amount of money in return for many happy hours of intellectual and social satisfaction.

In a neighbourly spirit, I suggest that the following ‘cut price’ games might provide the appropriate anaesthetic during this ‘monetary end of days’.

Diet Agricola
For Rent!
Wits & No Wagers
Age of Cottage Industry
19th Century
Bunny Bunny Bunny Bunny
Through the Age
Off-Peak Train To Wensleydale
Deux*
The Great Chimney Fire of London: 1666
Tara, Seat Cushion of Kings
One Wonder
Dominion: Austerity
Gun$ ‘n Gun$
Key Workhouse
Le Quarter-ve
One-way Ticket To Ride
Roads OR Boats
Warhammer 4K
The B-Road to Canterbury
Monoretto
Beatified Petersburg
Reiner Knizia’s Flea
Workbench of the World
Glen More..More? Mooooore?
10 White Cards
Outhouses of Madness
Very, very Small World
18X

...and so on.

*this is a very clever joke indeed…
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Mon Apr 18, 2011 5:49 pm
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Homage of Steam

Anthony Boydell
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Newent. Glos
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Recently, as you will have noticed (), I have been discussing and (lets not be coy about this) promoting my latest venture Paperclip Railways (PCR) by various means: a designer diary, reports of play-tests and other bits and pieces. While the feedback has been generally positive, I have received a number of second-hand reports of 'muttering' in the area of PCRs supposed over-similarity to String Railway despite everything that I have (publicly) jotted around the subject!

Yesterday I received a Geekmail that explicitly (thank-you for not being passive-aggressive!) asked the following question:

"If you don't mind me asking, how is Paperclip Railways not an infringement on String Railways?"

Well, I do mind you asking a bit, but I will continue to fight for your right to do so.

Now I may be paddling close to troll-laden waters in saying this, but in a world where Dominion, Thunderstone and Ascension: Deckbuilding Game co-exist happily without even the pebble of acrimony being lobbed between them, how is it appropriate to take a swipe at the small guys?

Was Race for the Galaxy greeted with cries of '..but it's just San Juan in Space!' and Tom Lehman derided for it? Would it be churlish to point out the similarity of PitchCar and RoadZters? Equally, I must've missed the meeting when FITS and Blokus were called out as directly-related following a DNA test! And how about every worker-placement product? And the 100 million 'little card games' that are basically 60 cards in 6 colours with the numbers 1 thru 10 printed in the corner? etc etc ad infinitum.

Is the development of an idea just plain ol' copying?

Of course, PCR and SR have the same theme (railways - quite a popular theme, though) and, yes, they both make use of unusual components to represent their theme (wooden cubes as cloth, wood and stone ahoy!). I take accusations, and even 'innocent queries', of plagiarism very much to heart - it is not my intent to (nor do I) 'rip off' other peoples hard work. Myself, and fellow Surprised Stare-r Alan Paull, are pretty boringly-repetitive about wanting to design games with a twist - something new or something taking a pleasing twist on the familiar (ah, maybe there's the rub?)...

So, here's a brief summary of PCR vs String Railway and why it's NOT any kind of infringement / theft / copying etc:

[1] SR is a light, 20 minute game; PCR is designed to be heavier.

[2] SR uses strings of fixed length for placement; PCR gives you 60 paperclips and it's up to you, your 'plan' (and your current station location) to decide how long or short those placements are

[3] There is no 'hand of cards' to manipulate, manage and/or combo off of in SR; in PCR, hand-management is key (you can't build without cards, find the right combinations and interactions between stations etc)

[4] Strings are 'free' to place; PCR demands that you 'buy' your links

[5] SR scoring is immediately after you have placed your string; PCR has in- and end-game scoring

[6] PCR stations are quirkily-named (did someone just say Qwirkle?) and it has a pun-tastic tag-line

[7] There are almost 100 station cards in PCR with circa 50 unique effects and abilities between them

[8] SR offers ONE action available in your turn (draw then play); PCR offers a choice from two (draw OR play)

[9] PCR stations don't have that cute, traveling mouse on them (at least, not yet)

I will concede, to all of you in the whispering gallery, that - yes - without having seen and played String Railway, Paperclip Railways would not exist today. As I have credited in the rulebook, it was 'inspired by' Mr Hayashi's diversion and set me thinking in a particular direction. This is, of course, no more 'theft' or 'infringement' than admiring the auction mechanic in Amun-Re and building it into League of Six, or re-using the 'pick up and deliver a cube' mechanic in every railway game since 2000 and so-bloomin'-on.

Thus, I present my defence.

Next Week: Comic Sans - The Much-maligned Font (ducks whistle)
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Sun Apr 17, 2011 8:12 am
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Lend Me Your Ears

Anthony Boydell
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Back way back when, ooh must be three years ago now, Richard 'Smok' Clyne introduced me to a garish, cartoony card game called Glory to Rome. I can't recall exactly WHY he picked it up - probably on one of his excursions into Leisure Games / Orcs Nest in Central London - especially as it looked so bloody awful in it's blister packaging with its horribly clip-art-ed aesthetic. It must have called to him through the Time Spiral boosters or something.

Jimmy made one of his rare trips over to Chez Clyne and the three of us played maybe three times that evening. I absolutely bloody hated it.

I hated the look. I hated the fact I had to get my head around six different actions with their 'zone movement' rules. I hated the massive, fold-out, hugely-arrowed rulebook with it's card-by-card clarifications.

Most of all, I hated the LEGIONARY action: in a game I'm trying to get to grips with, mechanic wise, having both your opponents rip all of the cards out of your hand makes for a miserable experience.

Looking back, I may have also have been affected by the seeming-ease with which Richard and Jimmy got stuck right in - they were veterans of San Juan (which I have played maybe 3 times in my life, to date) - and (as it turned out) Richard had been to various Cons and been play-testing what would become Race for the Galaxy. So, they were content with multi-function card play. What bewilders me now is that as a long-time M:TG-er, why it was such a terrible 'first impression' for me?

Anyway, I had inwardly vowed to avoid playing this ugly, chaotic beast ever again.

The following week, Richard and I were at our usual pre-Magic supper table ('Have you been to a Harvester before?' 'Yes, thanks - now piss off and get me a large meat pie') with a couple of un-exposed pals; he removed Glory to Rome from it's supermarket sanitary tray and ran through a quick explanation. My heart sank.

However, during that game something happened; I had a Damascan Road revelation. The scales fell from my eyes, this particular bush began burning and the game suddenly 'clicked'. Literally so! My memory is of a specific moment when I looked at my cards and knew EXACTLY what I needed to do next - a proper light-bulb moment. Legionary ain't so bad - there are ways around it, or to use it better.

Once you get over the card movements (and your snobbery over the 'look'), Glory to Rome has an enormous amount to offer: lots of player interaction, CCG-style combo-deliciousness and a crack-like addictive re-playability. For a single, shared-deck design there is a very low level of luck involved - all of the 'buildings',pretty much, are powerful in their own way and you can often develop a plan around your opening hand.

Within the space of that week, I went from whine-y hater to intrigued fan-boy. It became our filler of choice and, often, the main event of the evening. Very quickly, the GtR bug had spread from Richard, Jimmy and myself to Ray, Jon and Iain. Gaming evenings (lots of them) would begin and end with 'Glory'. It was responsible for more early-morning finishes than anything else; not a session would go by without 'just one more'...

The best thing of all, though, is that Glory To Rome became 'the great leveler' for our group. While I may always have been competing for last place in Age of Steam, The Princes of Florence or The Scepter of Zavandor (hopefully not true nowadays!), when Glory hit the table it would be hard to predict the outcome. Jon liked to Merchant, or build a Circus; Richard's a big fan of the Patron-abusing Bath; I can't resist getting Craftsmen clients and Jimmy went through an outrageous seam of winning the game by building an early Catacombs.

In the first year, we were averaging 5-10 plays PER WEEK - even now, three years down the line, we still get 5+ games per month. I've seen it travel from 1000+ in the Geek rankings to 99 (it's current, deserved position). This is a truly remarkable game and one that I cannot recommend highly enough.

Forget your Nightfalls, your Thunderstones and your Dominions - there is only one TRUE essential card game for your collection..

Glory to Glory To Rome!

Still unconvinced? Take a look at Enders Comprehensive Review.
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Sat Apr 16, 2011 9:02 am
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Uncle Tonys Enormous Packet

Anthony Boydell
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In an attempt to spread the hobbyist disease and get the family (the 'bigger' extended family, that is) playing more board games, I have made up a 'box of delights' with which to entertain and amaze this holiday Season. I'm hoping that Messrs Cadbury and Nestle will not be the ONLY providers of Easter Eggs this month! The selected morsels of gaming delight (sans glittery wrapping and fun-sized chocolate bars) are, with my obtuse reasonings, the following:

[1] Paperclip Railways - always good to get a non-gamer view of this, but I have settled in to a bit of a tradition of trying out upcoming designs on the extended relatives. Totemo was a massive hit last year (in prototype form), so I've also hoofed in a 'final version' to leave at the ancestorial Manse.

[2] Carcassonne - calling myself a gamer attempting to push gateway games would be a blatant, and severely punishable, crime had I not included this true classic. SdJ 2001 - was it really that long ago? Looking forward, very much, to next years 'Dominion: Carcassonne' expansion!

[3] For Sale - God Bless Mr Dorra and all who sail in him - this stupidly simple, yet subtly devious little auction game is a great intro to bidding without all the peripheral nonsense of building railways, harvesting / shipping spices and all that malarky.

[4] Familienbande - May the Lord Sanctify Mr Colovini and may perpetual light shine upon him (even when he's trying to get some sleep) for this splendid little filler. Make fun out of genetic dead-ends and take your mutation to the top of the scoring track (remember: purple ears are the BLUE score marker). Not much fun if you're actually ginger, have a nose that folks mistake for a conjoined twin OR ears you could glide off a Pier with.

[5] Alhambra - Dirk done good. Best with 3, though, and unplayable with 5 or 6 (four new tiles and four new money cards come your turn). No need to endanger floor structures with the Biblical flood of expansions - the original is still the best.

[6] Giganten Der Lufte - much better name than the English re-print (Airships) - much grander and more noble! Giants of the Air! Wow! A cute and interesting dice-based building game - fits nicely into 45-60 minutes. Extra points for farting during play and claiming you're launching your own 'air ship'...

[7] Dixit - Beautiful art, a minute to explain and a room full of happy people. Sold!

[8] Stone Age - there is no way I could get away with trying Agricola on the tender newbies, but Stone Age is a colourful gaming 'hit': cocaine to Mr Rosenberg's crack, if you will.

[9] Parade / Gargon / Braggart - a triple of tasty, card-only tidbits; easy to explain, fun to play and never out-staying their welcome.

On The Cards / How to Play Cards - no hyperlinks for this little beauty! Surprised Stares 'plan' for Essen Spiel 2011 and grounded in traditional card-play. Sebastian Bleasdale (On the Underground) has laboured tirelessly on this extremely clever design. No more info for you at the moment (such a TEASE!). This one's for W.Eric.M - did he spot this little rumour-y snippet for his weekly 'round up'?

I'll let you know how we get on with this lot.
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Fri Apr 15, 2011 7:04 pm
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Smudge Missing In Action STOP Send More Humbugs STOP

Anthony Boydell
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Mother,

Further to my last epistle, and the dispatch of the enormous hampers, may I kindly request that you refrain from sending any more 'Gentlemens Relish', as we have quite enough a stock of it here in Trench 14!

Speaking of games, with or without biscuits, we had another positively smashing evening of cerebral distractions with 'the chaps'; so much so that Boffo was temporarily diverted away from writing his tiresome 'War Poetry'!

Sadly, Smudge has been reported 'missing in action' following a futile attempt to retrieve a dropped monocle in No-Mans Land, and so Boffo dragged along a couple of newly-Commissioned fellows to bring up the numbers.

Jobbers, a rural type, possessed of a keen mind and a large bottle of trench-brewed 'cider'; and 'Manners' - possessed of sharp intellect and an outrageous thatch of unruly hair (which he kept in a tattered Hat Box).

We amused a couple of recently-conscripted Privates (Sonny and Beebs) with a few rounds of Tsuro and For Sale, before dismissing them for the evening (to do whatever it is cannon-fodder likes to do) - Jobbers remarked that he very much enjoyed playing with his Privates too.

The four of us agreed that Agricola would be an appropriate start to a more serious evening of gaming, so the facilities and equipments were duly established and play commenced!

Boffo, sat to my left, once again pursued a stratagem of Astronomy, Birthstones and a general fart-arsing about - consistent, solid play if a little unfocused (I fear he was simultaneously working on a Stream of Consciousness diatribe about futility, mustard gas and veruccas). Jobbers deliberations garnered a tidy, manure-based crop economy and Manners got a little cul-de-saced with Animal Breeder and just the two family members. I, in the other hand, planned and implemented an extravagant farm of livestock, crops and a delightful 5-room stone house with the usual lavish Catering enhancements (a Stone Oven, a Stone Kitchen and so on).

During the game, Boffo cracked an amusing 'bon mot' about his 'stump jump plow' and how he had sufficient 'wood' to plow with (there was much sniggering from the lower orders) although we were all aghast at the prospect of him having to 'keep it up' for five fields!

The final result looked like a graph of our Company morale over the last week descending, as it did, 48-35-30-11.

Once we had tallied, Boffo started to free-form a Ballad on these numbers, the 'loss of innocence' and 'Church Bells at Evensong' but, fortunately, both Manners and Jobbers beat him back to sense with his copy of Goa and we continued.

This was Jobbers' first introduction to Goa, a sometimes-played item for myself and rather an obsession for both Manners and Boffo (and, of course, the absent Smudge). The bidding was agreeably assertive (there's nothing worse than a timid auction) and the game ended in a close run thing with Boffo pipping me out 44-42-something-something else: my neatly-aligned row of 6VP progressions and a full 4 colonies edged by Boffo's 'higgeldy-piggeldy' board position but a full hand of matching Exploration card symbols.

Some would argue this was an awfully crass and gamer-ish way to win as MY plantation fulfilled all of the thematic criteria as well as the scoring - but Boffo was several ales ahead of me and I had no wish to have to pull out my truncheon and assert my authority.

Pausing for eighteen verses of 'God Save The King' (there are - strictly - only five, but Boffo hit a fruitful vein of satirical commentary, melancholic nostaligia and trench-foot), the attendees dispersed into the cold night.

Much love, as always, to Pa-pa and Nanny Cystitis.

Your Loving Son,

Antonius
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Thu Apr 14, 2011 11:06 am
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Alternate Universe

Anthony Boydell
United Kingdom
Newent. Glos
Unspecified
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Welcome...to my Shed!
mbmbmbmbmb
In a shameless re-hash of a post I did earlier in the year that didn't garner NEARLY enough thumbs, here's a re-visiting (with a few updates) of games that could've been, but weren't, but probably are in an infinite multiverse of parallel realities.

One reality is hard enough, though - imagine an Eternity of geeks bitching about Comic Sans font...omniscient deity preserve us!

Anyway...

NO-POWER GRID
by PAY FRIESE

An accurate recreation of 1970s Great Britain as industrial action leads to massive power cuts and an astonishing increase in the sale of candles. Stations that are unable to function include Coal, Oil and Garbage (which is liberally littering the streets); nuclear stations are still being approved by the Government and won’t come on line until the 80s when they’re immediately removed from the game due to the ’3 mile island’ event card. The first player to power ANY City at all is the winner.

Best played with five - especially if four stand in front of the game and stop the fifth (and anyone else, for that matter) playing.

ARMY OF FROGS
Published by GEN-42 million (and counting)

Open the box and discover the delightfully colourful and tactile pieces which will, every spring, litter your gaming room in marbles that will hatch and create even more bakelite frogs. Within a couple of years, you won't be able to pick up 'LOST CITIES', 'Agricola' or 'DIE FUGGER' without smearing the carpet in croaking, crystalline granules.

Best played with...someone else's copy, preferrably on a different continent (pick the Aussies - they've got LOADS of room!)

DOMINIONOS
by Donald X-Men Vaccination

Now officially encoded as part of the Human Genome, Dominionos is the deck-building game of choice for most of the known Universe. Players spend money and actions to build their own combinations of effects, competing to have the longest and most irritatingly-combotastic turns than anyone else. Cards are laid end-to-end until someone finds something better to do.

Best with: Another game to play while someone (Iain!) takes their turn.

KEY HOLESURGERY
by David Brainsurgeon

The latest in Richard Breese's KEY series, HOLESURGERY takes MB's classic OPERATION and adds resources, a tech tree and a headache from thinking too hard! Spend your money wisely when accruing antiseptic, surgical implements and anesthetists - run your theatre efficiently to slice, chop, stitch and swab as many patients as possible. The game ends when a player is offered a lucrative private contract abroad or someone ends up going to DIGNITAS.

Best played with: A pair of marigolds and a strong stomach.

18YOY
by Professors of Mathematics, frustrated City Traders and Coal Stokers

Basically a tile-laying / pattern matching game with some monopoly money thrown in, 18YOY can take anything between 20 minutes and 'the rest of your life' to play. Shares are bought and sold, track is laid, real-ale is drunk - all to no discernible benefit apart from keeping 18YOY players out of everyone elses games.

NEWCASTLE
by Martin Why-aye-lace

Participate in the building of NEWCASTLE (UK) from the early 1960s through to the present day! Get that real feeling of heavy industry, cheap housing and urban poverty by overbuilding everything, all the time, for no gain whatsoever.

Best played with: 19 pints and a strong curry

See also: BRAS (the nightclubbing simulation) and AGE OF STEAMERS (the sewage re-processing game)

FITS
by that little-known bloke

Quick-fire, pattern matching family favourite with multiple-level variants played in a single game. FITS is accompanied by industrial-strength strobe lighting and House music. Players attempt to slot variously-shaped tiles onto a pre-marked board before their synapses collapse in a super-nova of optic feedback and aural nightmares.

Best with: chairs fitted with restraining straps and a burly Nurse called Martin.

7 HONDAS

The fast-playing, thought-provoking Honda Civ(ic) car-drafting game where players start with Factories of differing abilities and attempt to gain the largest number of points. Passing the buck left, right and then left again, scoring is divided into a number of categories: Horsepower, Product Recalls, Miles per Gallon, Retail Outlets, Profit and a confusing Green policy.

Best played with: massive Government grants and a good Legal team. Not to be confused with The Toyota Recall Game OR Hey! That's My Brake Fluid!

LE OTHER HAVRE
by Lookout, She's Coming! Games

One of the lesser goals of this challenging, resource-juggling think-fest is to score more points than anyone else, although the PRIMARY goal is to get a game of it in before your partner asks you to pause and 'do some jobs around the house'. This is fairly straightforward in the simplified game, but the full game can take upwards of two to three weeks! Bins don't empty themselves*, shelves don't put themselves up** and your partners mother won't stay at home and bitch about you in secret***

On your turn you can either:
a. think for ages and take some stuff, or
b. think for ages and put your worker on a building in play, or
c. think for ages and buy something with money
d. think for ages and sell something for money
e. do d. and then e.
f. do either a./b./c./d./e., think for ages and then take your move back again.

Best played with: 3 (or 1 Wood and 2 Clay)

Footnotes:
* unless you have the RECYCLING CENTRE
** unless you have the CARPENTERS HUT
*** unless you have embedded her Worker piece in concrete and tipped it into the f**king harbour!


SID MIEIUIERS' UNCIVILISATION
by Not Sid Mieiuiers

"Before you lies a vast bounty of land, ripe for the [EDITED]. Your meager [EDITED] will influence the [EDITED] you must [EDITED]. [EDITED] your [EDITED] well and they will [EDITED] you to infinite heights of [EDITED]. If civilization manages to endure the [EDITED], your [EDITED] will hang in every [EDITED][EDITED][EDITED]..."

Fight your opponents, explore the rich terrain, manage your resources an swear a lot. The ruder you are to the other players, the better your chance of winning. Mail-bomb the manufacturers and get a free expansion!
Now fuck off!

Er..BATTLESTAR GALACTICA

One or more of the players are working to a secret agenda and attempting to stop this game ever getting to the table because it takes too long and only one person ever seems to know what they're doing! If the secret players can successful divert the gaming group into a session of NO POWER GRID, FARMICOLA or somesuch OR they reduce the BATTLESTAR players' will-to-live / beer quotient to zero, they win!

Two expansions supplement the game play by adding more plastic pieces, cards, complexity and playing time for no discernable benefit beyond revenue generation.

Best played with: leather straps and a ball-gag for the BSG fan and a box full of other games for everyone else.

TOTEMO - The Simulation

The colourful, 3D building game for braves, squaws and papooses where, after creating your bright Totem Poles, you take control of an Army of invading Europeans who will burn them down, steal the Squaws, kill the Braves and generally trample over everything sacred and precious to your tribe.

Best played with: Fire water and a roulette wheel

FARMICOLA

The new classic of the naughties - the game that revolutionized everything by taking us back 300 years and making everything really bloody difficult. FARMICOLA is an action-placement game played over 14 rounds with players striving to build a workable farm using small pieces of shaped wood and cardboard. It all inevitably degenerates when someone has to place a live pig into their playing area - it's almost impossible to restore the game state when the table is covered in 200lbs of squealing pork and fresh dung.

Players collect resources and trade them in for victory points via a convoluted series of actions, bonus cards and shoving. Resources include stone, clay, grain, horrifying skin diseases, vegetables, pigs, cows, chickens, horses, more cows, sheep, potato blight, mud, fecal matter, cattle (oh, that's cows again isn't it?) and respiratory difficulties.

Best played with: European Community subsidies and a double-barrelled shotgun
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Wed Apr 13, 2011 2:17 pm
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