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Every Man Needs A Shed

Life and games (but mostly games) from Tony Boydell: Independent UK games designer, self-confessed Agricola-holic and Carl Chudyk fan-boy. www.surprisedstaregames.co.uk What was that beardy bloke going on about?

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The Unbearable Lightness of Boardgames

Anthony Boydell
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Newent. Glos
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(On this balmy Summer’s day, we were seven in High Wycombe – so light games were required)

Now the players of the card games at the court of King Carlcrookticus were just passing time.
All together now: the players of the card games at the court of King Carlcrookticus were just passing time.
Now the players of the card games at the court of King Carlcrookticus were just passing time.
And the players of the card games at the court of King Carlcrookticus were just passing time.

Now we’re playing games of Dixit with the players of the card games at the court of King Carlcrookticus as time passes by.
Yes, we’re playing games of Dixit and the clues are all complicit at the court of King Carlcrookticus as time passes by.
Oh, we’re playing games of Dixit and we’re guessing even though it is distressing at at the court of King Carlcrookticus as time passes by.
And, we’re playing games of Dixit and we’re guessing even though it is distressing at at the court of King Carlcrookticus as time passes by.

Now its Tsuro on the menu after playing games of Dixit with the players of the card games at the court of King Carlcrookticus as time passes by.
Well, its Tsuro on the menu after playing games of Dixit with the players of the card games at the court of King Carlcrookticus as time passes by.
Yes its Tsuro on the menu: play a twisty path and then you move the players of the card games at the court of King Carlcrookticus as time passes by.
Oh its Tsuro on the menu: play a twisty path and then you move the players of the card games at the court of King Carlcrookticus as time passes by.

Now it’s Boydell’s Bloody Legacy – plays 2 to 8 quite speedily – that follows on from Tsuro on the menu after playing games of Dixit with the players of the card games at the court of King Carlcrookticus as time passes by.
Now it’s Boydell’s Bloody Legacy – plays 2 to 8 quite speedily – that follows on from Tsuro on the menu after playing games of Dixit with the players of the card games at the court of King Carlcrookticus as time passes by.
Now it’s Boydell’s Bloody Legacy – plays 2 to 8 quite speedily – that follows on from Tsuro on the menu after playing games of Dixit with the players of the card games at the court of King Carlcrookticus as time passes by.
Now it’s Boydell’s Bloody Legacy – with choccy mints for energy – that follows on from Tsuro on the menu after playing games of Dixit with the players of the card games at the court of King Carlcrookticus as time passes by.

We finished off with Food Fight after speedy Bloody Legacy (it plays from 2 to 8, you see) that followed on from Tsuro on the menu after playing games of Dixit full of random clues and other shit - at the court of King Carlcrookticus as time passes by…

...and

...it

...passed

..by!

(most pleasantly)
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Thu Jun 2, 2011 10:22 am
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Dulce et Decorum Est

Anthony Boydell
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Newent. Glos
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Mother,

Your latest food parcel arrived safely and has been greatly appreciated by everyone in the Bunker: the bon-bons, champagne and oysters were a particular treat - though I'm not quite sure what we're going to do with the life-size bronze of the Duke of Marlborough. Jobbers suggested we could mount it, regularly, to boost morale - but Jobbers has a note from the Medic about his abnormally-high levels of testosterone.

It's been quiet in the trench since the revelations of Smudge's gender and espionage missions; both she and Boffo decamped to a slightly-less faeces-encrusted mud-hole to share their love of 'undercover work'. We still meet regularly for our gaming evenings - the roll of a die here and the judicious placement of one's dobber there serving to relieve the tension. Last night, both Jobbers and I trudged the 100 slop-filled yards 'up wind' to Chez Boffo for the first 'away' mission in a long time.

Upon arrival, we were plied with copious quantities of tea and shown to the table.

First up was Agricola - an old favourite for this little group, and guaranteed to generate a certain frisson between players. Jobbers suggested we toss for start player but Smudge counter-argued for the traditional use of a coin.

Without wishing to bore you, play was reasonably amicable with most players, most of the time, not interfering with each-other. Wood was grabbed without complaint, seed liberally sown, animals husbanded and with bread being a popular food source, it wasn't often you'd find a player without something in the oven!

For myself, I laid the Storehouse Keeper at the start to ensure a constant supply of clay or grain whenever I took Reed/Stone/Food. Later, I supplemented my large extension with the Braggart - garnering 7 points alone for my collection of impressive erections: the Well, the Stone Oven and a Cooking Hearth amongst others (an instance of Agricola: M.F.I-style). A lack of animals, and a lot of open farm space, was off-set at game end by 21 points-on-cards - a strategy previously-scoffed at by Boffo - giving me a final total of 40. Meanwhile, in second place there was nothing to separate Boffo and Smudge (it WAS their billet, after all) on 36, while Jobbers came in behind on 30.

Pausing to refill the canteens with Camellia sinensis - I use the proper botanical term, though Jobbers insists it sounds like a Yeast infection - and stock the finger bowls with petit fours*, we then moved on to something 'unofficial': Guilds of London.

Guilds of London is something the technical Johnnies** over at HQ had been working on for a while and it needed pre-testing before being deployed in the field***. After a brief run-through of the user guide, we proceeded apace - well, I say 'apace', but a game of area control that is primarily driven by card-play, (sometimes intricate) card interactions and hand-management is prone to one or more players getting lost in a mild form analysis paralysis. At one point, Jobbers was taking so long with the planning of a turn that we radio-ed the Field Hospital as we'd thought he'd died, peacefully, in his sleep! A pleasant, interactive, contemplative 75 minutes passed and ended with Boffo beating off a two point challenge from Smudge, Jobbers in third and myself bringing up his rear.



A round of Braggart closed the proceedings, Jobbers stealing a blustering, fib-filled and boastful victory from me (a couple of points between us).

Appropriately, we ran a flag up Boffo's pole and sang a rousing 'God Save The King' which panicked the night-watchman, caused a flare to be sent up prematurely and resulted in an entire nights bombardment from the Bosch! I blame Field Marshall Hague...and Boffo's unconvincing baritone.

Much love to you and Pa-pa...and to all the peasants we exploit.

Your loving son,
Antonius

Notes:
*buffalo wing-flavoured pretzel pieces; though they might as well have been toe-nail clippings for all their rancid, artificially-coloured appeal

**me

***packed in to a rail gun and fired into No Mans Land
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Wed Jun 1, 2011 12:50 pm
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A Quick Single

Anthony Boydell
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You may remember my recent, brief mention for the Princes of Florence reunion tour?

No?

Yes?

Well, suffice it say that I managed to lay my hands on a couple of tickets for a gig in Lancaster, part of the 'It’s Only Crokinole, But I Like It’ tour. As the day approached, I was determined to go for the complete retro look: I went up into the Attica and found my old Fearsome Flares and my 'Mothers of the Era of Invention' tee-shirt (two sizes too small). We borrowed an old VW Beetle Drive to get to the venue and waited, in anticipation, to be transported back into the good old days!

Side note: Back in the early Seventies, the Princes broke the USA by embarking on a 9 month pan-American Tor auf Tor - they even rented their own Jet set. Along the way, they were supported by such bands as Super Trumps, Aeroships and Fleetwood MacRobber. On The Velvet Underground and Sly & the Family Stone Age.

Anyway, at 8PM sharp on a recent May evening, our beloved Florries took to the stage. Here is the set list - as stolen from the monitors at the front of the Stage 2 (Renovation, Stone and Family Growth), where they were sellotaped:

1. Agricola medley: Harvest / Occ Around The Clocc / Clay-la / Oh Well / Some Enchanted Ovening
2. Send in the Clans
3. Whole Splotter Love
4. Go Whist! / The Lamont Lies Down On Broadway
5. God Save Queen
6. You Need Hans (Im Gluck) / Alea Need Is Love
7. London Calling / Zoch the Kasbah
8. I am the Warfrog
9. Gen 4-2-6-8 Motorway
10. Hot Rattus
11. Give My Regards To Bow Street / Go Now / Take A Chance (On Me)
12. Doris & Franks Wild Years
13. I Wanna Know What Le Havre Is
14. You Need Hansa
15. Waterloo (with Benny and Bjorn from HaBa)
16. The Neverending Ystari
17. Iello (Is It moi you’re lookin’ for?)
18. We Are The World Cup Game / Do They Know It’s Crossfire?

Encores:
19. Three Times A Ludofact
20. There’s No-one Quite Like Rio Grande, Ma
21. Broken Wings (of War)
22. Walk Like An Egizian

Next Week: The Movies of Stephen Spiel!Berg and George Lucout
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Tue May 31, 2011 3:36 pm
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Twit Trends

Anthony Boydell
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Since I started dumping my thoughts, daily, into this blog (the 8th March, 2011), I have (of course) been playing a lot of games. I thought I'd extract the 'from then until now' list from BGG, as I'm a faithful chronicler of instances using the excellent iPhone app.

Ignoring the debate about whether I should log electronic, as well as physical, plays (that's one for another time) here is the list. I've sorted it into my own categories and provided a little commentary.

Meaty Games:
Agricola 11
Glory to Rome 6
Key Market 3
Power Grid: Brazil/Spain & Portugal 2
Power Grid: Benelux/Central Europe 1
Power Grid: China/Korea 1
The Pillars of the Earth 1
Goa 1
Graenaland 1

I'm surprised that this list isn't broader - it seems the last few months have seen a simplifying trend. I know my pal Richard has been playing a lot of 18XX and Iain ('the Student') has been uncharacteristically sensible and studied for his exams rather than play games - so this has probably removed the usual need for something meaty to get our teeth into.

For a period of 80 or so days, there is a disappointing lack of Agricolean activity - that's not even a 'once per week' average - must do better! And I think I'd prefer a little less Power Grid and a little more Goa in the coming months...

Medium Games:
Magic: The Gathering 6
Paperclip Railways 6
7 Wonders 2
Alhambra 2
King of Tokyo 2
Nightfall 2
Thunderstone 2
Acquire 1
Battlestar Galactica: Exodus Expansion 1
Airlines Europe 1
Airships 1
Keythedral 1
Caylus Magna Carta 1
Finca 1
Modern Art 1
Pantheon and Other Roleplaying Games 1
Pergamon 1
Small World 1
Stone Age 1
Strasbourg 1
Yspahan 1

Wow! Lots of good, accessible and satisfying stuff in this bit of the list - and quite a range of theme and complexity too. This is a fair refelection of MOST of my gaming habits, I think - many of the entries here are favourites that get aired three or four times a year (Airships, Small World, BSG).

Any prior list (since October 2010) would've had 7 Wonders at the top with 30+ plays per quarter, but it's noticable that my love for this has dropped off in inverse proportion to the growth of groupthink; 7W has more than earned its purchase cost in entertainment value - I REALLY hope Leaders will inject a new enthusiasm into this smart game.

Fillers / ‘One more for the Road’)
For Sale 6
Dixit 5
Dōbutsu Shōgi 4
Familienbande 3
Plus and Minus 3
Totemo 3
Tsuro 3
11 nimmt! 2
Biblios 1
Callisto 1
Acuity 1
FITS 1
Gargon 1
The Red Dragon Inn 1
Citadels 1
Hive 1
Labyrinth The Card Game 1
Labyrinth: The Duel 1
Wits & Wagers 1
Zombie in my Pocket 1

The standard melange (that's becoming a pet word of mine) of bits and pieces to open or close an evening. Familienbande, For Sale! and Dixit proving immensely popular with non-gamer friends and family - accessible, colourful and just the right level of complexity and interaction.

Other Stuff:
Unpublished Prototype 7

All the product of a couple of Surprised Stare games development days. We're lucky that our work (sometimes) is also our hobby!
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Mon May 30, 2011 10:45 am
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Busy Bees (part 2 of 2)

Anthony Boydell
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Newent. Glos
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(Part One can be found HERE)

Another day, another assembly line - for 120 copies in the first run, Paperclip Railways is proving a fiddly little beast to assemble! Anyway, its done now *phew* and I'm pretty convinced that we'll get someone else to do all the hard work for the next Edition!

Dramatis Personae:
Somewhere in the organized choas of our kitchen, you will variously glimpse: Tony Boydell(avec 7 Wonders promo tee-shirt), Alice Boydell, Benedict Boydell, Alan Paull and Charlie Paull. Taking the photos, looking after the rest of the Boydell clan and providing a constant stream of drinks and marmite toast is Karen Boydell (Mrs)

1,2,3,4,5...damn! I lost count
A montage of Paperclip counting scenes...64 of each player colour (or thereabouts - you need 60 each, but it never hurts to provide a few spares) and 34 (with 2 spare blues) for the River...


(note the judiciously-placed play-test copy of Ticket To Ride: Ivor The Engine in the foreground!)


Folding boxes/sticking artwork - watch out for paper cuts!
Once you've got that muscle memory thing sorted, you can get through folding 100 bases in a VERY short time!



You put it altogether!
All the components, in their supermarket-bagged, zip-loc-ed, counted and double-counted Glory! Now, pick up an empty box, start at the top end of the table and walk in an orderly, anti-clockwise direction...one of these and one of those and one of those etc

(one score board, one metropolis board, 4 obstacles, wooden cubes, starting stations, one set of 96 station cards, spare baggies, adhesive putty, 'the river', five sets of paperclips, one rule book, one station appendix guide...one full copy of PCR!




And there you have it! Ready for dispatch!

An email will be going out to the pre-orderers very soon about payment, dispatch and all that nonsense and we'll see some of you, of course, at this coming weekends' Uk Games Expo!

*excited*
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Sun May 29, 2011 9:01 am
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Norse-y, but nice

Anthony Boydell
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In the lands of the North, where the black rocks stand guard against the cold sea*, in the dark night that is very long**, the Men of the Graenalands sit by their great log fires and they tell a tale.

They tell of a Prince and how he traveled in the forests and the hills, the mountains and, er, the forests again to collect wood, ore, cattle and grain to build at least six settlements in three different territories, have an army of power 3 or more and a minimum of two Buildings (a Church and a Keep, as it so happens). Boddle the Bod. Prince of the Bods, was his name.

The Bods built Boddle a long ship of oak from the va-lleys (isn't it): the mast a single perfect pine tree; the high prow carved, painted and gilded to look like a ferocious Golden Retriever***. Boddle and his band of warriors - Thor Bateson (Captain of the Guard) and Plant the Lofty (inventor) - sailed down the fjord towards the sea. Boddle's trusted adviser and Librarian: the 'Bird' Beckulus, however, was nowhere to be seen - dispatched on a mission of great (im)Port to forge an Ale-iance with Spirits.

As the people waved from the Quay; everyone was sad to see them go, all except one: BodBill The Bad - Boddle's wicked Uncle. Bodbill coveted the Crown of the Graenalands (well, he would - it's his copy of th'game).

They all knew the game would be arduous: it took 15 minutes to work out the setup - finally realizing that the lovely artwork on the back of the resource cards matched, sort of, the lovely artwork on the territory tiles.

They all knew it would be difficult: resources are gained by propositions about their distribution - the most powerful player in a territory chooses how they will be divided and everyone else with an interest there votes FOR or AGAINST. This generally breaks down into: "I propose, with my overwhelming majority, to have EVERYTHING - you lot can scrabble around on the granite beaches picking limpets off the cold rock" - or similar.

They all knew it would be awkward: from the first wave of Czech boardgames, Graenaland has a variety of stupidly-tiny wooden and cardboard bits.

Prince Boddle bade his time, bullied his way around the mountains and stiffed the others out of resources at every opportunity. Victory came about 90 minutes in - a perfectly-good Settlers-like affair, but hard to see how this would steal precious gaming time over newer, or more staple, games.

With the conquest complete, the band settled down to a more contemplative diversion: Biblios. A light, nicely-presented set collection card game with a Monastic theme, Biblios played in two halves - card distribution (to players or an auction pile) and then an auction. Victory points are awarded by having the highest value set of a colour, there are five colours; the points are represented by dice which can be plus-ed or minus-ed during the game. Money cards in the deck can be collected, along with the colour cards, and is used in the auction phase to buy more cards with which to make sets. Prince Boddle ended up in a tie with Thor Bateson who, much to the Prince's annoyance, claimed victory by having the most money left.

Most money? In a game where the purpose of money is to collect it and THEN SPEND IT on other (not money) cards? It's like playing Agricola and then scoring for left-over resources at the end of the game - why build when you can just hoard? I'm not bitter...but RUBBISH! A rubbish bloody tie-breaker. I'll jot that one down to a shared victory.

Exhausted by our travails, smarting from the drudgery of our religious studies and sorely in need of some pork scratchings, the weary party retired to The Red Dragon Inn for some alcholic comfort. For a quick-fire, comedic fantasy drinking game this plays rather too slowly - each player has a deck of effect cards and will be drinking drinks. Drinks affect your alcohol content and 'other pub stuff' reduces your fortitude - if ever the two meet on your score track, you're out (under the table). Throw in a little gambling and a lot of bad 'dwarf' jokes and that's pretty much it: great fun for the first 20 minutes and then it kind of tails off - I think I'd prefer Braggart in this 'slot'.

Still, I won THAT as well - so three out of three (waits for Thor Bateson's interjection) ain't bad!

*that'll be the overflow restaurant room of the White Lion pub in Ross-on-Wye, then
**yesterday
***Bailey - A mighty Beast: Guardian of the Snug Fireplace, Hound of Infinite Tail-wagging and Eternal Hell-Cur with a cold, wet nose
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Sat May 28, 2011 9:34 am
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Busy Bees (part 1 of 2)

Anthony Boydell
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Today we've been busy, busy, BUSY!

Collation time (part 1) for Paperclip Railways!

We started with the wooden bits...


Then onto collating the Station deck - three people with three sets of piles to pull cards from!


Then bagging up the card sets...


Then it was on to counting paperclips and sticking art onto fold-up boxes - whose idea was this anyway FFS?

More tomorrow, as we're about half way through!

Time for some fish and chips, I think!
(pats self of back)
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Fri May 27, 2011 4:09 pm
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You couldn't make it up

Anthony Boydell
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Due to circumstances beyond my control (short working week, sunny afternoon, chronic homesickness), I was unable to attend the usual Wednesday-night play session at Uncle Carl's in High Wycombe and (instead) ended up playing iPhone games while my daughters watched Bridget Jones' Diary on Freeview.

Not the most satisfactory of outcomes for someone fairly obsessed with games and gaming, but it did provide the slightly-surreal experience of seeing Gaius Baltar show up as one of Bridget's 'kooky British friends'; this begged the question: 'Which character(s) is/are Cylons?', and it would certainly have spiced up this flaccid 'Hollywood rom-com' adaptation of what is quite a sparky book by Helen Fielding by having leaden death-spewing robots shooting up the smug dinner parties and Hugh friggin' Grant.

Anyway, the big man posted up the list of games they played on Facebook and I thought I'd bask vicariously in their glory by writing up a fictional chronicle of the evening from the POV of me being there.

Some of the people and events depicted might be true...throw enough shit at the wall and some of it will turn to gold*

BEGIN

When I arrived with Richard, who insisted on wearing a top hat he'd found on the train, all of the other players had already settled themselves in. Iain was making his first Wycombe appearance since winning the Ham Lottery**; Ray had photocopied himself; Blaine had walked there straight from school and intended to hop back later to save on taxi fares and Carl, our venerable host, was stuck under a collapsed shelving unit of WoW promo cards and big-box boardgames - hoping that someone would notice and help him out.

It was Blaine's turn to choose the agenda for the evening, so we kicked off with a couple of games of 7 Wonders avec a few rules tweaks: we reversed the order of the Ages (III, II and then I) and didn't change the direction of drafting at all. Surprisingly, the game played quite differently, but Carl still won in a convincing manner despite being unable to reach his pile of money...or his cards...or his Wonder board.

Next up was The Really Nasty Horse Racing Game which ended up in utter chaos because the chinese take-out arrived at the same time as everyone was rounding the final bend: suffice it to say that we all ate the horses and the box now contains a soggy portion of Kung Po Chicken with mushroom fried rice. Ray's monochrome facsimile took the victory, though we suspect the REAL Ray 'king-maked' him to the honours.

To mix things up a bit, Richard removed his top hat (!) and Blaine let us pile a few of the boxes, currently pinning Carl to his chair, on him; Carl was able to go to the loo, though still fixed in position (unpleasant for us but a blessed release for the big man).

King of Tokyo was the pre-pubescents next choice, but he'd brought along a doctored roll of lining wall paper upon which he had drawn the 'map' of Tokyo / Tokyo harbour. We moved all the furniture to the edges of the dining room (some of it had to be thrown through the French windows on to the bonfire, unfortunately) and had to stand around in person as the monsters instead of using the cut-outs in the box. Damage rolls were inflicted as real punches (camel bites, dead arms etc) and 'energy' was represented by used car batteries. To be honest, the whole thing seemed a little cumbersome. Richard won both games even though he refused to play and had spent the 30 minutes washing up in the kitchen. Go figure.

7 Wonders made a final, traditionally-ruled appearance to close; it ended in a 6-way tie, which was broken by who had the most ham (how fortuitous for Iain!)

Upon returning to my car, Richard and I noticed it had been stolen and replaced by an exact copy, contents and all! The next 3 hours were spent with the local Constabulary (sad face).

Carl is, as far as I know, still pinned to the carpet by Axis & Allies.

END;

*this is, of course, basic Quantum probability
**£1 per ticket; twice a week a televised National draw reveals who has won some Ham
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Thu May 26, 2011 11:09 am
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Sorry seems to be the hardest word

Anthony Boydell
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Boydell: (knocks on door) Knocketty-knock knock

Headmaster: En...tah!

(Boydell shuffles nervously into the Study; he is staring intently at his shoes. He approaches the large, leather-surfaced desk)

Headmaster: (looking up from a sheaf of documents, sternly) Ah, Boydell?

Boydell: (meekly) Yes, Sir

Headmaster: (removes glasses in sweeping gesture) Speak up, lad!

Boydell: (slightly louder) Yes, Sir - Boydell, Sir

Headmaster: (returns glasses to position) Why are you HERE, Boydell?

Boydell: (very quietly) Yesterday I was being excessively sweary on my BGG blog*, Sir and nobody gave me any thumbs for it, Sir.

Headmaster: (face assumes slightly taken aback demeanor) Sweary on your blog, Boydell?

Boydell: Yes, Sir - quite unacceptably sweary, crude and base, Sir.

Headmaster: I see...and WHY were you being so foul-mouthed? (looks down at the top piece of paper)

Boydell: Don't know, Sir

Headmaster: (looks up instantly) You don't KNOW, Boydell?

Boydell: No, Sir

Headmaster: Could it be you were trying a little too hard to impress your peers, Boydell? Hmmmmm?

Boydell: Don't know, Sir

Headmaster: Don't know, Sir? Don't know, Sir? There it is again, Boydell - do you know ANYTHING, Boydell?

Boydell: Yes, Sir

Headmaster: I should hope so, Boydell - otherwise your Mother and Father are wasting an awful lot of money sending you to this School, aren't they?

Boydell: Yes, Sir - I mean: No, Sir...

Headmaster: No, Sir indeed, Boydell...

(there is an awkward pause)

Headmaster: (standing, then pacing back and forth behind his desk) So, what sort of things were you saying on your blog then, my boy?

Boydell: I used the F word and the C word and I made a joke about Oral Sex, Sir

Headmaster: I...see...and what do you propose to do about it?

Boydell: To clean up my act, Sir - and not use such degrading and vile language or suggestions again, Sir

Headmaster: (picks up a large horsewhip) Excellent. That would be the very best thing, Boydell - for all concerned. Now, stay here and write 100 lines: "Experience is a hard school but fools will learn no other" (takes a swipe at the air; there is a satisfying swoosh sound)

(Boydell spends 30 minutes writing out the lines. He hands them into the Headmaster)

Boydell: May I go now, Sir?

Headmaster: What is your next lesson, lad?

Boydell: English Literature, Sir. To write up the fact that I went to the London On Board meet at the Red Herring pub in the City of London last night and played Agricola, winning 40-31-30-18, followed by a game of Stone Age (a disappointing third position) during which I ate a luke-warm fish-finger sandwich. I returned to my lodgings late after travelling on a stuffy Underground train.

Headmaster: I see...and HOW will you be describing this?

Boydell: That I spent the evening in a basement slapping my (family) member repeatedly on the table to get wood, pulling off an impressive 'combo' with my powerful hand and rearing a pig or two. I followed this with a mouthful of the Chefs cold fish and came last. I ended up sweating and stuck in a dirty Tube, before I finally got to bed - exhausted, but satisfied.

Headmaster: (agape) Same time tomorrow then, Boydell?

Boydell: (resigned to his fate) Yes, Sir - same time tomorrow, Sir.

*In theory, a pastiche of British gangster movies
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Wed May 25, 2011 8:37 am
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The Long Good Monday

Anthony Boydell
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So ah sez to th' boys: "be rahnd the Stafferton tonight and wheel see what 'appens - maybe we'll get lacky and blag ourselves a result?" 'N I strolls up, all confident like, rahnd 6 P.M. wiv my crate full uv goodness. Sam of the lads is already in the bar, suppin' on the tit of endless fizzy drinks and waitin' for the carvery to swap over to the carry - nice bitter carry, it is, all you can eat for seven pahnd.

There was 'The Student'; ees bin aht of the picture for a while, sez he's bin study-in for 'hexams' but I reckon he was done fer knockin' off Post Offices or maybe duffin' up the old ladies for their pension books. Wiv 'im was Big Car Ray - ees just the one bloke with a car...thess a bit too big for 'im.

Nah, The Student don't 'beat arand the bush' (missus) and 'e set up Fanderstahn - a kneesy jab for the free of ass. Now I fackin' ate Fanderstahn - them lads wuz fart-arsin' abaht with buying this and go to tha dungeon thet and winding me ap summat chronic. It wuz a good jab Jimmy Two-Names turn dup when 'e did coz I was abaht to pull aht mar shootah and do a birrov convincin'. I fought I was doin' alright (I took a few monstuhs aht wiv my mejick bow), but ended up twenny points beck in larst place) - fackin' canse!

I called the waiter over and told 'im to get me a fackin' mineral warter then Rico The Beard turn dup just ez we wuz settin' up for some more Glory To Rahm. 'Oo needs deck bildin' wen you ken 'ev Mystery Carl's multi-function, genius card game? The first wun I took wiv a cheesy Forum vick-tree, then the hairy wun warksin so a re-deal is required.

Sapper was nearly ready - they was fackin' abaht with sum daft turkey carcuss 'n swappin out veggies for bhajis - fackin' taystee! Only, they wuz takin so long my stamack fought me froat 'ad bin cut and we 'ad to play Zombie In My Fackin' Pockit to parse the time. The five of ass wuz jus gettin' startid anna first encountah was 10 zombies inna room; we all plays our cards end it turned aht I was the only won fightin' - them yellow fackuz ran off leavin' me to take all the demedge: blahdy twetz! So, bein' artovit, I took great pleasure in watchin' 'em box 'emselves in and die only 5 minits laters: I say they boxed 'emselves, only it was the random room draw and it meant there wuz no exits and they were loctin for good. I don't fink we'll be playin ZiMP again - lease ways not after The Student takes it up some back-alley and blowzits fackin' brains aht!

Sum bloke in the queue for food fought it'd be fanny to push in and then pissarand with the poppadoms and tiny Naans. Only, Big Car fought 'e sed 'nonce' and we 'ed to teach him the error of 'is ways.

I called the waiter over and sed 'Are you 'avin a bubble?' and told 'im to get me a fackin' pop, then we pulled aht my pride and joy - my pee-ess de resistonce: Argri-cola. I call it 'Argy Cola' on accant of it causin' a lot of trouble. The 'Gric is a bit tasty and can take on the five of ass nah trubble. So we're playin' this for two ahs end Rico is playin' aht cards and The Student is growin' his famlee and Two Name-ziz is lookin' well set for a fencey farm and Big Car is gettin' kicked abaht abit and they all get 'emselves Beggin' Cards by the first 'arvist ('cept Ray, 'oos getting himself all worked up) and all the time arm quietly settinup a dubble room bild and veggies and animals and a sneaky clay rahd for a mighty 50 point win. I fackin' lavvit! Gettin!

Looky thet: 'Arf a ton o' farmin' goodness. Strike a light, John - strike a fackin' light!


Fair play to Charcoal Burner, though - 9 Food end 9 Wood offa wan Occ? Well 'ard!

I call the waiter over and told 'im to pull his fum ahta his beckside and sort aht the tab while we sets up a couple more Glories to finish.

Nice one.

Result.

Next Week: The Krays set up a protection racket in For Sale!
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3 Comments
Tue May 24, 2011 8:32 am
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