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Every Man Needs A Shed

Life and games (but mostly games) from Tony Boydell - Independent UK games designer, self-confessed Agricola-holic and Carl Chudyk fan-boy: www.surprisedstaregames.co.uk

Archive for Jokin'

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Ain't gonna spiel...

Anthony Boydell
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Newent. Glos
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I got a club, meeting Fridays in the town,
Playing Euros in the corner
Drinking beer and pop down.
Huge black carry-all on my back
I had to sit on it *zip*
Just to get the bugger packed!
I leaped in the motor
Let 'my bird' get us there
Driving through the country roads trying not to swear.

We got late round town
Couldn't find a car space
Sun went down cyclists sittin' in our place.
'Til a stranger let us share
His tay-bull-top
When I started to unpack
He didn't tell me to stop.
I tried to explain
Puerto Rico to this dud
I knew I maybe shoulda
Picked a filler game instead

He said:
'So, bud; is it like Monopoly, mun?'
I whistled through my teeth and I bit my tongue
And I sipped on my beverage
Left another Puerto player
'Splaining all the roles
From the Captain to Mayor

Get shippin', get shippin', you know it

I ain't gonna spiel with no soul sucking heel
He gonna take his move back
And I ain't scoring jack!
I ain't gonna spiel with no soul sucking heel
He gonna take his move back
And I ain't scoring jack!

Sitting right here with a beer in my hand
And we’re breaking out El Grande
Which he don’t understand
Fifteen minutes I been running thru da rules
Better get an easy one, this blokes a fool
Breaking out Dixit with the Dixit Quest deck
When it comes to his go
He's a pain in the neck
Big fat fingers bending all of the card
Telling me to go easy
Coz the clues are too hard

I got mad so I went for a slash
And he's calling after me
"Can we play Balderdash?"
Writing on the scorepad, reading out words
That chap's crap coz his answers are turds

Pencil in my leg and I'm trying not to beg
Taking turns being dasher
With this total nutmeg
Well he got me in a corner
Flapping my jaw like a fish
In the dark just waiting for 'Time!'
So give me what I got to get so I can go
Cause I ain't playing boardgames
In this Pub no more

I ain't gonna spiel with no soul sucking heel
He gonna take his move back
And I ain't scoring jack!
I ain't gonna spiel with no soul sucking heel
He gonna take his move back
And I ain't scoring jack!
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Fri Jun 16, 2017 9:31 am
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Blast(s) from the Past: Holding Pattern

Anthony Boydell
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Back in 2013, I figuratively opened my own Friendly Local Gaming Store with four 'episodes' inspired by the binge-listening of Chris Morris' incredible Blue Jam radio show (http://www.cookdandbombd.co.uk/forums/). Here they are, compiled for your pleasure, in an omnibus edition:



(with thanks to Chris Morris)

(we are in a friendly, local gaming store; the usual accoutrements adorn the premises: shelves of boardgames, TCGs in displays close to the checkout, figures of fantasy beasts in the window etc. The cashier is perched on a stool reading a back-issue of Spielbox)


Bell: *ding-a-ling*

(A customer wanders in. Despite the torrential rain visible through the window, he is bone dry)

Customer: Good morning.

Cashier: (looking up) Can I help you?

Customer: Yes please - I'm looking for a copy of Terra Mystica...

Cashier: You don't like me, do you?

Customer: I'm sorry?

Cashier: You don't like me, do you?

Customer: I'm not sure that I under...

Cashier: You only come in here when you want something.

Customer: Well, that's because...

Cashier: I never see you otherwise.

Customer: No...

Cashier: Why do you hate me so much?

Customer: I don't hate you, it's just that...

Cashier: Oh that's right - make up some excuses.

Customer: I don't think this is relevant - I'm simply looking for a copy of Terra Myst...

Cashier: You want me to help you now, do you? Eh? Treat me with contempt the rest of the time but when YOU want something I've got to drop everything?

Customer: Er...I don't mean to...

Cashier: Oh you (air quotes) don't mean to...

Customer: No, I...

Cashier: Liar.

Customer: That's hardly fair, I...

Cashier: (pointing to the door) Get out! Get the hell out, you parasite!

Customer: But, I...

Cashier: Go on! Get the f*ck out of my shop!

Customer: (scurrying out) I do quite like you though...

Cashier: Too late now - go on, get lost!

(The customer has departed. The cashier stares after them for a short while then returns to his magazine)

Cashier: I knew it.

Bell: *ding-a-ling*

(A new customer has arrived)

Customer: Good morning. I wonder if you have the latest expansion for Galaxy Truckers?

Cashier: Who...the f*ck...are YOU?



(with thanks to Chris Morris)

(we are in a friendly, local gaming store; the usual accoutrements adorn the premises: shelves of boardgames, TCGs in displays close to the checkout, figures of fantasy beasts in the window etc. The cashier is perched on a stool reading a back-issue of Spielbox)


Bell: *ding-a-ling*

(A customer wanders in. Despite the blizzard of snow visible through the window, he is dressed in shorts and a tee-shirt)

Customer: Good morning.

Cashier: (looking up) Can I help you?

Customer: Yes, I rather hope so...I'm looking for a copy of Robinson Crusoe: Adventure on...(interrupted by the telephone ringing)

Cashier: Excuse me, I need to take this...(picking up) Hello? (pauses)...yes, I'm holding it in my hand right now; it's swollen and pulsating...I am rhythmically stimulating it to a messy climax. (pauses) Yes. Thank you. Goodbye. (puts phone down)

Customer: What on...

Cashier: I'm so sorry...now, what was it you were looking for?

Customer: Um...yes...well, I read about this Robinson Crusoe game on the web and wondered if you might have a copy in sto...(interrupted by the telephone ringing again)

Cashier: Do please wait just one tick...(picking up) Hello? (pauses)...I am crouching on all fours in front of you. I am very much enjoying the rigorous flagellation that you are inflicting upon me. Yes. I have been a very naughty boy and I am about to ejaculate copiously on to the parquet flooring. Thank you. Goodbye. (puts phone down)

Customer: Well, I...

Cashier: I do apologise, Sir; I'm afraid running game store doesn't quite bring in enough cash so I've taken on a number of sex chat lines to supplement my income.

(the phone rings once more)

Cashier: Hello? Indeed. Do it to me. Do it to me hard and fast. I am trembling with pleasure. Spend your massive issue over my ample breasts youknowyouwantto. Thankyou. Good day. (puts phone down)

Cashier: Robinson Crusoe, was it?

Customer: Er...that's right.

(cashier goes and fetches a copy and puts it in to a carrier bag)

Cashier: That'll be £40.00 please, Sir...is there anything else I can help you with today?

Customer: (nervously) You wouldn't have a copy of Scandaroon would you by any chance?

Cashier: (suddenly angry) You f*cking pervert! Get the Hell out of my shop!

(The customer has departed. The cashier stares after them for a short while then returns to his magazine)

Cashier: I knew it.

Bell: *ding-a-ling*

(A new customer has arrived)

Customer: Good morning. I wonder if you might stock dildos?

Cashier: Would that be the 12, 16 or 24 inch model, Sir?



(with thanks to Chris Morris)

(we are in a friendly, local gaming store; the usual accoutrements adorn the premises: shelves of boardgames, TCGs in displays close to the checkout, figures of fantasy beasts in the window etc. The cashier is perched on a stool reading a back-issue of the new Counter Magazine)


Bell: *ding-a-ling*

(A customer wanders in. Despite the bright sunburst of a heatwave visible through the window, he is dressed in a trench coat, woolly scarf and bobble hat)

Customer: Good morning.

Cashier: (looking up) Can I help you?

Customer: Yes, I would like three Magic: The Gathering boosters please.

Cashier: I’ll tell you what...here’s £30 quid if you f*ck off and I never see you in here again?

Customer: Um...

Cashier: (proffering the notes) Thirty quid...

Customer: (takes it)Er, thanks.

Cashier: (waving cheerily)Bye then.

Customer: (hesitating)...

Cashier: Off-en zee sod...

(The customer departs. The cashier stares after them for a short while then returns to his magazine)

Cashier: Ah, the sweet sound of commerce.



(we are in a friendly, local gaming store; the usual accoutrements adorn the premises: shelves of boardgames, TCGs in displays close to the checkout, figures of fantasy beasts in the window etc. The cashier is perched on a stool reading a back-issue of the old Counter Magazine)

Bell: *ding-a-ling*

(A customer wanders in. Despite the gunfire, smoke and general atmosphere of battle raging outside he is spotless and immaculately-dressed)

Customer: Good morning.

Cashier: (looking up) Good morning. Can I help you?

Customer: Yes, I want to buy a copy of...

Cashier: (interrupts) Wait! Hold that thought!

Customer: Well, I just need...

Cashier: Stop! (there is a short silence) Let me guess...

Customer: Um...

Cashier: Is it a TCG?

Customer: No, it’s...

Cashier: (interrupts) A board game?

Customer: Yes, but...

Cashier: A Euro game?

Customer: Sort of, it’s by...

Cashier: (interrupts)No! Don’t give it away! (conspiratorially)It’ll be our little secret!

Customer: I’m not sure that...

Cashier: (pulling something from under the desk and holding it up – it is a copy of Carcassonne)This?

Customer: No.

Cashier: (pulling a copy of Tzol’kin)This?

Customer: Not really.

Cashier: Gimme another clue then (rubs hands together) Is it a resource management game - oh! or a game with resources in it?

Customer: Yes, though it might be easier if I just told...

Cashier: (barking) Worker placement?

Customer: Yes...

Cashier: Snowdonia? Lords of Waterdeep? It’s Bastard Lords of Sodding Waterdeep, isn’t it?

Customer: Why, yes it is...

Cashier: (pulling air)Yesssss! I f*ckin’ knew it!

Customer: Could I please have...

Cashier: (doing a little moonwalk back-and-forth behind the counter, affecting a sing-song voice)I’m so good at guessing...I’m so good at guessing...

Customer: (somewhat peeved) Look! Are you going to get me a copy of Lords of Waterdeep or not?

Cashier: (suddenly still; leans casually on the glass top)Out of stock, mate. Come back Tuesday.

Customer: ...

Cashier: Tuesday. Come back Tuesday.

Customer: Thanks, then. Er, Tuesday, you say?

Cashier: Tuesday.

(The customer departs. The cashier stares after them for a short while then returns to his magazine)

Cashier: (to himself) We’re f*ckin’ closed Tuesdays.

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Wed Jun 7, 2017 9:14 am
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Better with Beef!

Anthony Boydell
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Newent. Glos
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Board Game boxes made better with beef?





Now you..?

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Wed May 17, 2017 6:05 am
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Toppermost of the Poppermost?!

Anthony Boydell
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Newent. Glos
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Sun Apr 30, 2017 9:38 am
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The Little Train That...

Anthony Boydell
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Newent. Glos
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This is an actual, fondly-remembered, misty-eyed childhood nostalgic thing:


So, naturally, someone 'meme'-ed it thusly:


And, consequently, I felt it my duty to extrapolate further:
Spoiler (click to reveal)




Happy Sunday!
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Sun Mar 26, 2017 6:30 am
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A (final) Campaign in the Arse

Anthony Boydell
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Newent. Glos
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(with apologies to Paul Noth)



Vote Guilds of London!


BOARDGAMEGEEK HAS HAD ENOUGH OF EXPERTS!

https://www.boardgamegeek.com/geekawards/boardgame
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Fri Feb 24, 2017 9:47 am
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(Still) on the campaign trail...

Anthony Boydell
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10 Things That WILL Happen If You DON'T vote For Guilds of London:


1. The Third World War will break out!
2. Three million copies of Monopoly will be imported in to the US and Europe EVERY WEEK.
3. Asmodee will own everything.
4. Martin Wallace will get stuck in more litigation through no fault of his own.
5. You will lose your Human Rights.
6. Planes will fall out of the sky; Trains will not get any more Maps.
7. Did you not hear me? Asmodee will own EVERYTHING!
8. Eric Lang will be completely shaved.
9. Cards Against Humanity shall become a mandatory Sunday afternoon activity for all Adults.
10. All Cat videos will be removed from the Internet!


You can prevent all of these by voting Guilds of London!


Go here to TAKE BACK AREA CONTROL!

https://www.boardgamegeek.com/geekawards/boardgame
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Thu Feb 23, 2017 6:20 am
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On the Campaign Trail...

Anthony Boydell
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Newent. Glos
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It all started with the Nomination; the REAL work begins NOW!






Vote Guilds of London!


Go here to MAKE A MERE ICON great again!

https://www.boardgamegeek.com/geekawards/boardgame
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Wed Feb 22, 2017 6:20 am
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Warning: this post has got proper swearing in it. Do not enter if you find this kind of thing upsetting, offensive or just pla(i)n crass.

Anthony Boydell
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"I saw this and thought of you" they said:

Spoiler (click to reveal)
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Sun Dec 25, 2016 12:00 pm
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Can I Get A Witness?

Anthony Boydell
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(with apologies to Gilbert Shelton)



Spoiler (click to reveal)

I know nothing of this:



And, finally, a song:


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Fri Dec 9, 2016 6:27 am
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