Every Man Needs A Shed

Life and games (but mostly games) from Tony Boydell - Independent UK games designer, self-confessed Agricola-holic and Carl Chudyk fan-boy: www.surprisedstaregames.co.uk

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"If the crowd are behind you, you're facing the wrong way"

Anthony Boydell
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(the quote is from renowned UK comic Simon Munnery; also this post contains pomposity, ill-formed argument and wild generalization in the hope of creating a whirlwind of controversy)

There is much talk, nowadays, of innovation in gaming; the desire, so we are told, is for new and interesting departures from the norm - for the never-before-seen. The old ways are done with; we're in the 21st century and must cast aside childish things; designers should not seek the instant approval of our audience but, instead, confound and challenge them at every turn.



This is scalding horsewater of the yellowest hue because Pandemic Legacy is just Pandemic with permanent marker pens and a 1960s sci-fi plot; 'Exit' et al are just The Adventure Game in a box and anything with an App is Electronic Detective*.

We don't desire (or deserve) innovation, we only THINK we do when - in fact - we just want more of the same of what we know we like as quickly (and regularly) as possible thank you very much.

Familiar,
re-purposed,
re-visited,
re-worked and
re-booted are the true order of the day; everything else is aspirational, pseudo-intellectual hogwash.

Concept cars always look great and exciting but you can't get a week's shopping for a family of 7 in to one of them; this similarly applies to the "groundbreaking"/"revolutionary" Magic Maze - the box is too small, you see, and the condensation from the refrigerated goods always makes the cardboard soggy.

I seem to have wandered off the point, somewhat, so rage hard in the comments section then go about your business. Thanks.

*a friend and I wrote a version of this on his Dad's Commodore Pet 80 (in 1980, oddly), printed it all off and typed it in to the school's Pet 40. It never ran properly after that, so we just went on to the playing fields for 30-a-side football.
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Thu Jul 20, 2017 9:20 am
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Consolation Schmonsolation

Anthony Boydell
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Spare a thought for those designers and publishers that were nominated for the SdJ but simply rolled in as runners-up. Not for them the glorious celebrations and dancing-in-between-the-seats on announcement day nor the much-dreamed of spike in sales that will see them transformed as an entity. Not for them the giant, themed booths at Essen Spiel or the fountain of praise (sparkling, fresh water) and admonishment (rusty brown and tangy) in the geek forums. Instead, the shaking head and the what might have beens. Ah, well.

Did you know, for instance, that the designer of 1987s also-ran My Monkey Is On Fire was so disenchanted he spent the next 25 years tracking down all of the copies sold, bought them back and then buried them in a landfill site?! In 2000, the horribly-overconfident publishers of the year's third-placer Würfel Zäpfchen (trans. "Dice in the Pipe") had to print 25,000 cardboard sleeves to make it look like a copy of Torres in the hope they could offload their over-printed stock. In 2007, a Reiner Knizia lookalike streaked across the stage - during the handing over of the giant dobber - in a protest against battery chicken farming or something or other. And we ALL remember what Stefan Feld had to put up with in 2013, don't we (it was three months before he could put on a hat)?!

So, while Bruno Cathala (above) takes a well-earned champagne bath - and Blue Orange Games talk to their financial advisors as to how to offload the forthcoming avalanche of cash against tax - just remember that the Ravensburger offices will be filled (to ear-puncturing volume) with weeping and the folks what done Magic Maze will be angrily - but non-verbally - hammering their big wooden knobs on the trestle tables until they splinter.

It's cruel, I know, but that's what we all signed up for I'm afraid #themsthebreaks
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Tue Jul 18, 2017 6:25 am
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A space-hogger, see?

Anthony Boydell
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Don't you just HATE it when things don't quite line up?



Spoiler (click to reveal)


Aaaarrrrggghhhhhhhh!!!!


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Wed Jul 12, 2017 6:20 am
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Minnellium 2000!

Anthony Boydell
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Click [Play] and...




It hardly seems like three years since I crossed the magic 1000 posts line only, now, to find myself - chest thrust out against the shiny tape - pressing home the 2000! Only one other BGG blog has been this way before me and that's Eric's BGG News which had a head start, to be fair (but I'm catching him albeit very slowly).

Qn. Is there anyone who's been with me since the beginning*

I've laughed, cried, ranted, travelogued, designed (and designer diary-ed), japed, "session reported", surreal-ed, rumoured and generally muscled my way in to your mornings (or your last thing at nights) since 2011 and yet I still can't get any love from The Geek Weekly! I get (much) love from you folks, though, and that's the (second) best kind of Love of all.

Qn. Why don't people thumb humorous posts with Polls/Quizzes in?



Just like when its one's birthday on a work day, it is I who have brought along some treats!

First up, for those of you who are still having - or who just got the game and are about to have - problems with Guilds of London's iconography, I've done a couple of helpful markup sheets. Simply print on to A4 sized labels, cut out and then affix to the bottom of each card before sheathing in the branded sleeve of your choice:




(If my GoL expansion ever sees the light of day, I'll be sure and get these done on transparent, sticky plastic)




Qn. What is your favourite post evva?

Secondly, I have been awfully selfish in my persistent banging on about "having a shed" (and the need thereof/therein/wheretofore), so I've made some up for Snowdonia and they come in a variety of first-come first-served flavours:


Costs are varying (there is no defined order, just choose the one you want). Your 3rd worker costs 1 coal, but if you pay an extra coal you get your 3rd worker AND you may take a contract card from the selection - if you do take a card, replace it immediately from the top of the deck. During train maintenance you must discard a contract card you possess or lose the train Shed.




Finally, here's a special edition from Boydell's FLGS:

Quote:

(we are in a FLGS; you can tell because it smells of stale farts and pizza dough even though you’re just reading a description of it on-screen. There are a variety of new releases in the display window along with a sign that says: “Don’t ask because we don’t have: Gloomhaven, any 7 Wonders Dual promos, that game with the ‘tits’ in).”. The cashier is stood behind the counter trying to release his hand from the counter-top, to which it has been stapled)

Doorbell: Ding-dong-dong-ding. Dong-ding-ding-dong.

Customer: (brushing dry leaves from his shoulders) Good afternoon.

Cashier: (looking up; covers stuck hand with a tea-towel) Ah, yes. Good afternoon, Sir! Can I help at all?

Customer: (chuckling, he takes a piece of folded paper from his breast pocket and opens it) Yes, indeed; I very much hope so! Do you have...Whorer Et Labora?

Cashier: Do you mean Ora Et Labora...by Uwe Rosenberg?

Customer: No, I mean Whorer Et Labora by Duvet Rosenbonk. It's about building and running a place of ill-repute.

Cashier: We haven't got any games by Duvet Rosenbonk

Customer: It's about placing your workers in to empty action slots...mostly.

Cashier: That's as may be, sir, but we don't have it.

Customer: You must have heard of Fields of Arse?

Cashier: No, sir.

Customer: A Fist for Odin? (the cashier glares at the customer) - I see. How about games by Richard Breese?

Cashier: Why, yes, we DO have games by him.

Customer: Deflower?

Cashier: Key-flower, sir.

Customer: No, Deflower. Or Inhabit My Berth?

Cashier: (confused) How are you spelling "Breese", sir?

Customer: B - R - I - E - F - S. The 'F' is silent.

Cashier: (annoyed) Of course it is.

Customer: (looks at list again) I'll try another des-

Cashier: (catching on) Before you ask, "sir", we don't have any games by "Stiff 'un" Feld or Anal R. Moon or Ign-arse-y Trevijerk or Reiner Ker-tits-ia or Alexander Fister or Phil Wanker-Harding or -

Customer: (interrupting) Eric Wang?

Cashier: (fed up) No, sir; and now I am going to have to ask you to leave -

(the cashier tries to walk around the counter but his hand his still stuck to the countertop; he tugs extra hard and the hand is freed - the staple pings off and hits the doorbell)

Doorbell: ting!

Customer: Wait! Wait, I want to buy -

Cashier: (hustling the customer toward the door) Out!

Customer: Tony Boydell?

Cashier: What? (he pauses his pushing)

Customer: Tony Boydell - do you have any games by Tony Boydell?

Cashier: Not "Boney Toydell"? Not "Tony Bordello"?

Customer: No.

Cashier: (dusts himself off; notices there is a huge hole in the middle of his staple-less hand) Er...well I've got a copy of (reaches down to pick something up and shows it to the customer) this?


PAUSE

Question: What game did he show the customer?**





So, there you have it: two bloody thousand posts***.

-phew-

Can I stop yet?

*excluding anyone who has died or been imprisoned, naturally.
**there shall be a prize for the best answer
***Of course, I'm expecting peeps to thumb the 'flip' out of this post!
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Tue Jul 11, 2017 6:05 am
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Talk about mudflaps..?

Anthony Boydell
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(this is another blast from the past - almost two and a half years! - which tickled me then and tickles me now. One of my finest moments - even if I _do_ say so myself!)



Oh, my, god, Uwe, look at his board! It's so big, he looks like one of those sheet glass movers! But, ya know, who understands those game-guys?
Ugh! They only talk to him because he looks like a total war gamer, okay
I mean, his board, is just so big, ugh, I can't believe it's got eight folds!
It's like, out there, I mean, ugh, gross!
Look! It's just so...flat!


I like big boards and I cannot lie
You other gamers can't deny
That when a geek walks in with an itty-bitty wrap
And a Quarto folded map you get sprung

Wanna pull out dice
‘Cause you noticed the board was twice
Size of the box he’s holdin’
I’m hooked and I start unfoldin’

Oh baby, I wanna get playin’
With Tzol’kin Mayan
My homeboys tried to warn me
But them cogs you got makes m-m-me so horny

Ooh, Grid of Power
You play for over 2 hour
Well hey, man! Way, man!
‘Cause you got so big of a Spielplan

Hamburgum’s better
To hell with Love Letter
It’s large, fine
Got it goin’ like Wallenstein

I'm tired of microgames
Sayin’ no boards are the thing
Take the average Geek, man, and ask him that
It gotta pack much back

So, Gamers!
(Yeah!)
Gamers!
(Yeah!)
Your collection got the board?
(Hell yeah!)
Tell 'em to shake it!
(Shake it!)
Shake it!
(Shake it!)
Shake that healthy board!
Gamer got board!

18X with a A3 Hexprint
Gamer got board!
18X with a A2 Hexprint
18X with a A1 Hexprint

I like ‘em square and thick
And when I’m Terra Mystick
I just can’t help myself, I’m actin’ like an animal
Now here’s Imperial!

I wanna get it home
And ugh, set it up, ugh, ugh!
I ain’t lackin’ in hordes
Coz I got me a set of Samurai Swords

I want 'em real thick and massive
So find that massive flatsheet
Blog-A-Lot is upbeat
Beggin' for a piece of that sweetmeat

So I’m checkin’ Rahdos videos
One-piece playmats only for shmoes
You can have them no-goes
I’ll keep my table-sized tableaus

A word to the Euro sistas: I wanna get with ya!
Kanban, Vinhos, Madeira
But I gotta be straight when I say I wanna
(Jeu!)
Til the break of dawn

Gamer got it goin’ on
A lot of Geeks won’t like this song
‘Cause them punks sho’ collec’ it and deck it
And I'd rather stay and play
'Cause I'm long and I'm strong
And I'm down to get some Arkham on

So, playas!
(Yeah!)
Playas!
(Yeah!)
If you wanna roll polyhedras
(Yeah!)
Then bring ‘em in! Fold ‘em flat!
Leavened cardboard’s where it’s at!
Gamer got board!
Gamer got board!

Yeah baby, when it comes to boardgames
Spielbox ain't got nothin' to do with my selection
€46?€54€66? Ha, ha, only if it’s 5’6”

So your game-group likes the Bauza?
Playin’ all-night 7 Wonder?
But Wonder ain't got a board in the box I can plunder
My purple dobber don’t get placed
Unless you got eight ‘plates’

You can do home tiles or mats, oh,
But please don’t lose that ‘plateau’
Some brothers wanna make that "hard" role
And tell you that the board aint gold
So they toss it and leave it
And I pull up quick to retrieve it

So, cardgames hate the flat?
Well, I ain't down with that!
'Cause your Zed is small but X-Y are kickin'
And I'm thinkin' bout stickin'

To the pocket games in the magazines
You ain’t War Of Ring
But Indonesia, I can’t resist her!
Roads, Boats and, ugh, Et cetera!

Some knucklehead tried to diss
Waterdeep, and Dominant ‘Spiss’
He had game but he chose to Trade 'em
And I pull up quick and I played ‘em

So playas, if the board is vast
And you want a tabletop bomb-blast
Dial 18-XX-C-2-C
And kick them TCGs!
Gamer got board!
Gamer got board!

Lacking in the packing but s/he got much board
Lacking in the packing but s/he got much board
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Mon Jul 3, 2017 6:20 am
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Ain't gonna spiel...

Anthony Boydell
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I got a club, meeting Fridays in the town,
Playing Euros in the corner
Drinking beer and pop down.
Huge black carry-all on my back
I had to sit on it *zip*
Just to get the bugger packed!
I leaped in the motor
Let 'my bird' get us there
Driving through the country roads trying not to swear.

We got late round town
Couldn't find a car space
Sun went down cyclists sittin' in our place.
'Til a stranger let us share
His tay-bull-top
When I started to unpack
He didn't tell me to stop.
I tried to explain
Puerto Rico to this dud
I knew I maybe shoulda
Picked a filler game instead

He said:
'So, bud; is it like Monopoly, mun?'
I whistled through my teeth and I bit my tongue
And I sipped on my beverage
Left another Puerto player
'Splaining all the roles
From the Captain to Mayor

Get shippin', get shippin', you know it

I ain't gonna spiel with no soul sucking heel
He gonna take his move back
And I ain't scoring jack!
I ain't gonna spiel with no soul sucking heel
He gonna take his move back
And I ain't scoring jack!

Sitting right here with a beer in my hand
And we’re breaking out El Grande
Which he don’t understand
Fifteen minutes I been running thru da rules
Better get an easy one, this blokes a fool
Breaking out Dixit with the Dixit Quest deck
When it comes to his go
He's a pain in the neck
Big fat fingers bending all of the card
Telling me to go easy
Coz the clues are too hard

I got mad so I went for a slash
And he's calling after me
"Can we play Balderdash?"
Writing on the scorepad, reading out words
That chap's crap coz his answers are turds

Pencil in my leg and I'm trying not to beg
Taking turns being dasher
With this total nutmeg
Well he got me in a corner
Flapping my jaw like a fish
In the dark just waiting for 'Time!'
So give me what I got to get so I can go
Cause I ain't playing boardgames
In this Pub no more

I ain't gonna spiel with no soul sucking heel
He gonna take his move back
And I ain't scoring jack!
I ain't gonna spiel with no soul sucking heel
He gonna take his move back
And I ain't scoring jack!
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Fri Jun 16, 2017 9:31 am
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Blast(s) from the Past: Holding Pattern

Anthony Boydell
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Back in 2013, I figuratively opened my own Friendly Local Gaming Store with four 'episodes' inspired by the binge-listening of Chris Morris' incredible Blue Jam radio show (http://www.cookdandbombd.co.uk/forums/). Here they are, compiled for your pleasure, in an omnibus edition:



(with thanks to Chris Morris)

(we are in a friendly, local gaming store; the usual accoutrements adorn the premises: shelves of boardgames, TCGs in displays close to the checkout, figures of fantasy beasts in the window etc. The cashier is perched on a stool reading a back-issue of Spielbox)


Bell: *ding-a-ling*

(A customer wanders in. Despite the torrential rain visible through the window, he is bone dry)

Customer: Good morning.

Cashier: (looking up) Can I help you?

Customer: Yes please - I'm looking for a copy of Terra Mystica...

Cashier: You don't like me, do you?

Customer: I'm sorry?

Cashier: You don't like me, do you?

Customer: I'm not sure that I under...

Cashier: You only come in here when you want something.

Customer: Well, that's because...

Cashier: I never see you otherwise.

Customer: No...

Cashier: Why do you hate me so much?

Customer: I don't hate you, it's just that...

Cashier: Oh that's right - make up some excuses.

Customer: I don't think this is relevant - I'm simply looking for a copy of Terra Myst...

Cashier: You want me to help you now, do you? Eh? Treat me with contempt the rest of the time but when YOU want something I've got to drop everything?

Customer: Er...I don't mean to...

Cashier: Oh you (air quotes) don't mean to...

Customer: No, I...

Cashier: Liar.

Customer: That's hardly fair, I...

Cashier: (pointing to the door) Get out! Get the hell out, you parasite!

Customer: But, I...

Cashier: Go on! Get the f*ck out of my shop!

Customer: (scurrying out) I do quite like you though...

Cashier: Too late now - go on, get lost!

(The customer has departed. The cashier stares after them for a short while then returns to his magazine)

Cashier: I knew it.

Bell: *ding-a-ling*

(A new customer has arrived)

Customer: Good morning. I wonder if you have the latest expansion for Galaxy Truckers?

Cashier: Who...the f*ck...are YOU?



(with thanks to Chris Morris)

(we are in a friendly, local gaming store; the usual accoutrements adorn the premises: shelves of boardgames, TCGs in displays close to the checkout, figures of fantasy beasts in the window etc. The cashier is perched on a stool reading a back-issue of Spielbox)


Bell: *ding-a-ling*

(A customer wanders in. Despite the blizzard of snow visible through the window, he is dressed in shorts and a tee-shirt)

Customer: Good morning.

Cashier: (looking up) Can I help you?

Customer: Yes, I rather hope so...I'm looking for a copy of Robinson Crusoe: Adventure on...(interrupted by the telephone ringing)

Cashier: Excuse me, I need to take this...(picking up) Hello? (pauses)...yes, I'm holding it in my hand right now; it's swollen and pulsating...I am rhythmically stimulating it to a messy climax. (pauses) Yes. Thank you. Goodbye. (puts phone down)

Customer: What on...

Cashier: I'm so sorry...now, what was it you were looking for?

Customer: Um...yes...well, I read about this Robinson Crusoe game on the web and wondered if you might have a copy in sto...(interrupted by the telephone ringing again)

Cashier: Do please wait just one tick...(picking up) Hello? (pauses)...I am crouching on all fours in front of you. I am very much enjoying the rigorous flagellation that you are inflicting upon me. Yes. I have been a very naughty boy and I am about to ejaculate copiously on to the parquet flooring. Thank you. Goodbye. (puts phone down)

Customer: Well, I...

Cashier: I do apologise, Sir; I'm afraid running game store doesn't quite bring in enough cash so I've taken on a number of sex chat lines to supplement my income.

(the phone rings once more)

Cashier: Hello? Indeed. Do it to me. Do it to me hard and fast. I am trembling with pleasure. Spend your massive issue over my ample breasts youknowyouwantto. Thankyou. Good day. (puts phone down)

Cashier: Robinson Crusoe, was it?

Customer: Er...that's right.

(cashier goes and fetches a copy and puts it in to a carrier bag)

Cashier: That'll be £40.00 please, Sir...is there anything else I can help you with today?

Customer: (nervously) You wouldn't have a copy of Scandaroon would you by any chance?

Cashier: (suddenly angry) You f*cking pervert! Get the Hell out of my shop!

(The customer has departed. The cashier stares after them for a short while then returns to his magazine)

Cashier: I knew it.

Bell: *ding-a-ling*

(A new customer has arrived)

Customer: Good morning. I wonder if you might stock dildos?

Cashier: Would that be the 12, 16 or 24 inch model, Sir?



(with thanks to Chris Morris)

(we are in a friendly, local gaming store; the usual accoutrements adorn the premises: shelves of boardgames, TCGs in displays close to the checkout, figures of fantasy beasts in the window etc. The cashier is perched on a stool reading a back-issue of the new Counter Magazine)


Bell: *ding-a-ling*

(A customer wanders in. Despite the bright sunburst of a heatwave visible through the window, he is dressed in a trench coat, woolly scarf and bobble hat)

Customer: Good morning.

Cashier: (looking up) Can I help you?

Customer: Yes, I would like three Magic: The Gathering boosters please.

Cashier: I’ll tell you what...here’s £30 quid if you f*ck off and I never see you in here again?

Customer: Um...

Cashier: (proffering the notes) Thirty quid...

Customer: (takes it)Er, thanks.

Cashier: (waving cheerily)Bye then.

Customer: (hesitating)...

Cashier: Off-en zee sod...

(The customer departs. The cashier stares after them for a short while then returns to his magazine)

Cashier: Ah, the sweet sound of commerce.



(we are in a friendly, local gaming store; the usual accoutrements adorn the premises: shelves of boardgames, TCGs in displays close to the checkout, figures of fantasy beasts in the window etc. The cashier is perched on a stool reading a back-issue of the old Counter Magazine)

Bell: *ding-a-ling*

(A customer wanders in. Despite the gunfire, smoke and general atmosphere of battle raging outside he is spotless and immaculately-dressed)

Customer: Good morning.

Cashier: (looking up) Good morning. Can I help you?

Customer: Yes, I want to buy a copy of...

Cashier: (interrupts) Wait! Hold that thought!

Customer: Well, I just need...

Cashier: Stop! (there is a short silence) Let me guess...

Customer: Um...

Cashier: Is it a TCG?

Customer: No, it’s...

Cashier: (interrupts) A board game?

Customer: Yes, but...

Cashier: A Euro game?

Customer: Sort of, it’s by...

Cashier: (interrupts)No! Don’t give it away! (conspiratorially)It’ll be our little secret!

Customer: I’m not sure that...

Cashier: (pulling something from under the desk and holding it up – it is a copy of Carcassonne)This?

Customer: No.

Cashier: (pulling a copy of Tzol’kin)This?

Customer: Not really.

Cashier: Gimme another clue then (rubs hands together) Is it a resource management game - oh! or a game with resources in it?

Customer: Yes, though it might be easier if I just told...

Cashier: (barking) Worker placement?

Customer: Yes...

Cashier: Snowdonia? Lords of Waterdeep? It’s Bastard Lords of Sodding Waterdeep, isn’t it?

Customer: Why, yes it is...

Cashier: (pulling air)Yesssss! I f*ckin’ knew it!

Customer: Could I please have...

Cashier: (doing a little moonwalk back-and-forth behind the counter, affecting a sing-song voice)I’m so good at guessing...I’m so good at guessing...

Customer: (somewhat peeved) Look! Are you going to get me a copy of Lords of Waterdeep or not?

Cashier: (suddenly still; leans casually on the glass top)Out of stock, mate. Come back Tuesday.

Customer: ...

Cashier: Tuesday. Come back Tuesday.

Customer: Thanks, then. Er, Tuesday, you say?

Cashier: Tuesday.

(The customer departs. The cashier stares after them for a short while then returns to his magazine)

Cashier: (to himself) We’re f*ckin’ closed Tuesdays.

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Wed Jun 7, 2017 9:14 am
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Better with Beef!

Anthony Boydell
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Board Game boxes made better with beef?





Now you..?

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Wed May 17, 2017 6:05 am
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Toppermost of the Poppermost?!

Anthony Boydell
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Sun Apr 30, 2017 9:38 am
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The Little Train That...

Anthony Boydell
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This is an actual, fondly-remembered, misty-eyed childhood nostalgic thing:


So, naturally, someone 'meme'-ed it thusly:


And, consequently, I felt it my duty to extrapolate further:
Spoiler (click to reveal)




Happy Sunday!
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6 Comments
Sun Mar 26, 2017 6:30 am
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