Every Man Needs A Shed

Life and Games (but mostly games) from Tony Boydell: Dad, Husband and Independent UK Game Designer, Agricola fanboy and jealous admirer of Carl Chudyk. www.surprisedstaregames.co.uk

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FLGS 44 (Help)

Anthony Boydell
United Kingdom
Newent. Glos
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(we are an F.L.G.S; there is a huge sign on the glass door with "We buy unwanted 7th Continents and Feudums for CA$H!" on it. The cashier is sat behind the PoS counter wearing a Smartphone virtual reality headset and wildly waving his arms about)

Cashier: (flailing) Mother! Not the bagel-squeezer?!

(a customer enters; he is dressed in a business-like manner and is carrying a large hold-all)

Door Bell: doink! ba-dingleeee

Cashier: (still 'in cyberspace') Hello?

Customer: (almost inaudibly) Yes, um; hello. Yes.

Cashier: (turning his head hither-and-yon) Is anyone there?

Customer: Yes.

(the cashier continues to play whatever game is vomiting through his eyeballs. The customer waits for a few minutes then walks over to the door, opens it and then closes it again)

Door Bell: ding! bo-diddlee!

Cashier: (quickly removing the apparatus; he recognises the customer and straightens his creased fringe) Ah, hello, Mr Cheesehandle. *Ahem* Can I help you?

Customer: It's pronounced "Chaise-hond-lay", actually. Yes, I would like you to look after some games for me, please. (he indicates to the holdall he is carrying)

Cashier: Of course, Sir. What would you like me to do with them: simple storage? Cleaning?

Customer: I keep taking them to my club but no-one wants to play them; to save valuable time, I'd like you to not want to play the games on my club's behalf instead.

Cashier: Certainly, Sir; that shouldn't be a problem at all (indicates to the holdall himself) - may I?

(the customer hands the holdall over)

Cashier: (opening it) Ah, thank you. Let's see...

(he removes the games one-by-one, stacking them on the counter)

Cashier: Keyflower?! That one's certainly a surprise, Sir!

Customer: One of the members is hexaphobic; he foams at the filtrum and can barely breathe in the presence of dice and/or crayon rails games.

Cashier: Gosh, well, I see. And what's this...Scythe?! Really?

Customer: One of the members objects to the exploitation of the proletariat following a detailed socioeconomic analysis that frames capitalism through a paradigm of exploitation, class relations and social conflict using a materialist interpretation of historical development and taking a dialectical view of social transformation.

Cashier: He's a Marxist, then?

Customer: Actually, I believe he's a Sagittarius but no matter.

Cashier: (returning to his unpacking) Pandemic? Now this seems a very odd choice!

Customer: We don't like the smell of the cards.

Cashier: The smell of the - ?

Customer: Cards, no. Sickly sweet with a sour edge.

Cashier: That's the tag line on the side of the box, isn't it? (he chuckles at his own joke but is not joined by the customer)

Customer: Global extermination at the hands of unchecked viral and bacterial contagions is hardly a laughing matter.

Cashier: (composing himself) No, absolutely...and, lastly, we have...

Customer & Cashier: (in unison) No Thanks!

(there is a pause)

Cashier: Let me guess...you ask everyone if they want to play any of these games and they reply with 'No Thanks'.

Customer: Correct.

Cashier: I think I can see what's happening here.

Customer: So. Will you be able to help me?

Cashier: Certainly, Sir; though I will just have to check that someone is available to not want to play these games as a proxy (he looks something up on his computer) Ah, yes - Mr Davies is on duty - he's very good - so I'll just book you in, if I may?

Customer: Yes.

Cashier: Name...Cheesehandle...comma...Mr

Customer: Chaise-hond-lay, yes.

Cashier: Period of Transaction?

Customer: Um, one week.

Cashier: And do the games have any special requirements?

Customer: Such as?

Cashier: To be ignored lying flat or standing on their short side?

Customer: Er, flat please.

Cashier: Very wise choice, Sir; the components won't all collapse on top of each other that way. And would you like them shunned in a specific order, Sir?

Customer: Yes - alphabetically, please.

Cashier: Very good, Sir. And how much disdain would you like us to show while snubbing? You can choose anything from a mild, dismissive shrug to a full-blown Internet Forum rant.

Customer: Just a shrug, I think.

Cashier: 'Tutting' or 'no tutting', Sir?

Customer: Could I have intermittent tutting, please?

Cashier But of course! Occasional, ie. pseudo-random, or rhythmic?

Customer: Rhythmic, please.

Cashier: Excellent. Well, that all seems to be in order, Mr Chaise-hond-lay. And how would you like to pay?

Customer: Cheesehandle; could I have it on account, please?

Cashier: Certainly, Sir. (he rings a small bell on the counter; a young man emerges from a door at the far end of the shop pushing a sack-truck) Ah, Dennis! Please take Sir's games through to the loading bay...and mind you don't look at them on the way!

Dennis: Oh, they're for ignoring are they?

Cashier: Are what for ignoring?

Dennis: Very good, mate; very good! (he loads the sack truck and departs, all the while with his head turned away

Cashier: All done, Sir; so we shall see you in a week's time!

Customer: Goodbye.

Cashier: Goodbye, Sir.

(the customer departs; the Cashier fits his headset back on and resumes his flailing)

Cashier: Mother! The strainer's not big enough for my bags!

FIN
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Sat Apr 7, 2018 6:45 am
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FLGS 43 (Hate)

Anthony Boydell
United Kingdom
Newent. Glos
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(you know the drill by now: we're in an FLGS and everything that entails)

Door bell: (weakly) *Dink*

Customer: (cheerfully) A very good fucking morning to you!

Cashier: (looks up, confused) Eh?

Customer: I said ‘Good Morning’!

Cashier: (relieved) Oh, yeah. Right. And a good morning to you!

Customer: Bonus!

Cashier: Can I help?

Customer: Yes, well, it’s all gone to shit in my regular weekly meet-up and I’d like something to inject a little excitement back in to the proceedings.

Cashier: (worried) Gone to shit?

Customer: Indeed. I’m surrounded by arseholes.

Cashier: Arseholes?

Customer: Absolutely; they keep getting up and leaving – one bastard after another –

Cashier: (shocked) Quite!

Customer: - and losing a man is a fucking problem –

Cashier: - or woman, obviously.

Customer: What?

Cashier: Losing a woman is a problem too?

Customer: Pardon?

Cashier: (pausing) Losing a woman is a fucking problem too?

Customer: (nodding) Yes, of course! It’s a big fucking problem.

Cashier: Well, have you tried something co-operative instead? Something like Pandemic: Legacy, say, or Time Stories to bring the group together?

Customer: (thinking to himself) Would we have to fucking kill everyone?

Cashier: (nervous) Not as such.

Customer: Does it come with lots of shit to help the players?

Cashier: Oh, yes; there’s a lot of components in the box.

Customer: (gleefully) Well it certainly sounds like the thing I’ve been fucking waiting for!

Cashier: (picks up a copy of Pandemic: Legacy and starts wrapping it) That will be £49.95 then, please.

Customer: (pulling the money out of his wallet) I can’t fucking wait! (the customer departs, excitedly)

Cashier: Well, that outburst certainly kick-started my day.
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Tue Jan 23, 2018 6:20 am
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FLGS 42 (Grotto)

Anthony Boydell
United Kingdom
Newent. Glos
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(we are in a friendly, local game store; it is decorated for the Festive season with tinsel, holly wreaths and a plenty of fake snow. One corner of the shop has been filled with giant papier maché rock face complete with a curtained cave entrance; a sign above it has one of those sliding in/out slots and reads "Father Christmas is OCCUPIED". The cashier is sat behind the counter in a wing-back armchair; he is wearing a Santa hat and is snoozing. A customer and his young child wanders in from a frosty-looking street and stands in front of the counter)

Door Bell: (silence)

Customer: (forcefully) Ahem!

Cashier: (jolting awake) Wha? It's always bent slightly to the right...what?!

Customer: What?

Cashier: (straightening his hat and moving an empty brandy glass out of sight) A very Merry Christmas to you, Sir! How can I help?

Customer: We'd like to see Santa Claus, please!

Child: (shouts) Santa!

Cashier: (glances at the grotto) Um, I'm afraid he's busy at the moment -

Customer: No problem, we'll wait.

(they begin to browse the Party Game section; the curtain swishes aside and an ashen-faced geek staggers out clutching a copy of Anachrony and approaches the counter)

Geek: (stunned) He said I was going to meet a tall, handsome stranger and then get run over by a bus! (exits)

Child: (shouts) Santa!

Cashier: You can go in now...

(the Customer and child disappear in to the Grotto and the sign flicks back; there is the sound of screams, buzz-saws, grinding and the occasional squelch...then nothing)

Door Bell: (silence)

(a customer enters)

Cashier: A very Merry Christmas to you, Sir!

Customer: (grumpily) Bah!

Cashier: Can I help?

Customer: (tersely) Have you got any Civ games?

Cashier: Yes, indeed, we have quite a lo-

Customer: (gleefully) I love Civ games.

Cashier: Er -

Customer: - I particularly like it when the disasters decrease the surplus population -

Cashier: Well, if you'd just go over to the Grotto and wait; someone will be able to assist you shortly!

(the customer shuffles over to the cave; the curtain is suddenly drawn back and two Cybermen stomp through the shop carrying copies of Robo Rally and Doctor Who: Exterminate! The Miniatures Game; they destroy the door with a laser blast and leave.)

Cashier: You can go in now...

(the Customer enters the Grotto; there is silence and then the sound of inconsolable sobbing.)

Door Bell: (silence)

(a customer enters - it is YOU, dear Reader!)

Cashier: A very Merry Christmas to you, Sir/Madam (delete as applicable)

You: And to you!

Cashier: Can I help?

You: Yes please: I'd like to see Father Christmas!

Cashier: (glances over at the grotto) He shouldn't be too long.

You: No problem.

(the miserable customer emerges from the cave entrance; he is smiling and giggling hysterically and clutching a copy of Spirit Island)

Customer: (laughingly) They did it! They did it all in one night! (spots YOU) You there!

You: Who? Me?

Customer: Yes, you, Sir/Madam (delete as relevant)! Is there still a copy of Gloomhaven in the window?

You: What? The game that's almost as big as me?

Customer: Naturally! (chuckling) What a clever, young gamer you are - yes indeed!

You: (glancing at the display) Why, yes there is

Customer: Wonderful! Miraculous, yes! Here's £200: I'd like you to buy it and deliver it to this address...

(And the joyful story plays out as if it were something from Victorian times: there is a fall of snow, there is dancing in the streets and there is redemption. You and the previously-miserable customer leave, carrying the giant box, on your mission of Mercy.)

Cashier: (waving) Good bye, Sirs/Sir and Madam (delete as appropriate)!

Door Bell: (loud and clear) Ding-a-ling-a-ling!

Cashier: (lookup up and clapping his hands together) Marvellous! It seems that Christmas has finally arrived!

(in the distance there is the honk of a horn followed by a horrible screeching of brakes)

Cashier: (under his bresath) And I guess that makes me the handsome one!

FIN

P.S. I wonder if you could describe, dear Reader, what would have happened to you had you actually made it in to the Grotto?
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Fri Dec 22, 2017 12:28 pm
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FLGS 41 (Mule)

Anthony Boydell
United Kingdom
Newent. Glos
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(we are in an FLGS; the window is adorned with streamers and glitter and those plastic tooty things with the curled tubes on the end; there are signs propped up against be-clothed plinths proclaiming “Essen 2017!”, “Spiel Games!” and “The Hotness from Germany!”. A customer walks in to view from the right-hand side of the window and gets shorter as if descending a hidden staircase; he pauses, looks about and then backtracks: ascending. He stops, looks around curiously and tentatively takes a step forward…down a bit. He rocks back-and-forth on his feet, alternately rising a bit then falling a bit. He disappears along the way he came…there is a pause…then he comes sprinting in from the right and launches himself in to the air! Instead of landing, he completely disappears with a stifled shout.There is a crash and the door bell rings.)

Door bell: *ding-ding dinga-dinga-ding-dong ding-ding*

(the door opens and the customer falls through, executes a spectacular forward roll and stands up straight. The cashier, his nose in a care-worn copy of “Wicked Willy” and wearing a pearlescent paisley waistcoat, looks up)

Cashier: (putting the book to one side) Ah, good morning, Sir!

Customer: (brushing himself down) Er…good morning.

Cashier: Don’t worry, Sir; those imaginary stairs are a bit tricky – especially when there’s been a severe frost.

Customer: But there hasn’t been a frost –

Cashier: Exactly.

(awkward silence)

Customer: Well, um, I understand you’ve just come back from Essen Spiel?

Cashier: (enthusiastically) Yes, indeed! It was an amazing experience! So many games from so many publishers! Great new things for us (gestures to himself) to share with you! (gestures outward). It’s the best chance for your friendly local game store to get the hotness in to your hands in time for the holidays!

Customer: Fantastic! So, I have a list of things I am interested in (pulls paper from pocket) and hope you can help.

Cashier: I can certainly try, Sir!

Customer: Right...Azul has been getting a lot of buzz…

Cashier: Unfortunately sold out on the Saturday morning, Sir; we hadn’t yet made it to Hall 3 with our trollies!

Customer: Oh, then how about The Gaia Project?

Cashier: Available only in German after the first two hours on Thursday –

Customer: - German would be fine –

Cashier: - only we didn’t get to the Messe until Friday by which time –

Customer: It had sold out?

Cashier: - it had sold out. Completely.

Customer: I see. Any luck with Friedemann Friese’s Fast Forward series?

Cashier: Oh yes! -

Customer: - great -

Cashier: - let me finish: Oh yes…we saw plenty of copies, but they weren’t selling to ‘shops’ due to limited stock.

Customer: Hmmmm – Santa Maria

Cashier: Pre-orders only, Sir.

Customer: Noria?

Cashier: (raises eyebrows) I don’t know that one, Sir – was it a popular game?

Customer: Well, it was in many of the top vloggers’ anticipation lists!

Cashier: Really? Oh, well I suppose I should check some of those out next year then!

Customer: (muttering) Yes, you should. (louder) You must have Nusfjord, though?

Cashier: The new Uwe Rosenberg ‘big box’-er?

Customer: Indeed!

Cashier: The one about fishing in Norway?

Customer: Yep!

Cashier: The one with ‘shares’ in it that’s also a bit like Glass Road?

Customer: Surely!

Cashier: …never found it, Sir; I tried ever so hard.

Customer: But it was on the huge Mayfair/Lookout stand in Hall 1!

Cashier: There was a Hall ONE?!

Customer: Heaven and Ale?

Cashier: The queue was very long when I stopped by.

Customer: Gloomhaven?

Cashier: Too big to bring back in my People Mover, Sir.

Customer: Keyper?

Cashier: Um, well, er…let’s just say that Richard Breese and I have had a “falling out”.

Customer: A “falling out”?

Cashier: (coughs) You haven’t asked me about The Sands of Time?

Customer: Is it worth it?

Cashier: It might be.

Customer: (waits) The Sands of Time?

Cashier: Ha! Got you, Sir! It never made it to the show, Sir; it’s had production issues. Just a little joke of mine.

Customer: A Nice Cup of Tea?

Cashier: Prototype only, Sir; not out until 2018.

Customer: Altiplano? Fields of Arle Expansion? Photosynthesis? Terraforming Mars: Venus Next? Trans Atlantic?

Cashier: “No”, “Nein!”, “Nope”, “In the negative” and “Again, no”…Sir.

Customer: The 7 Wonders Anniversary Packs?

Cashier: They were on a very high shelf and I couldn’t reach them down, Sir.

Customer: Charterstone?

Cashier: Yes, Sir! We have Charterstone!

Customer: (warily) In English?

Cashier: Yep!

Customer: With the Recharge Pack?

Cashier: Yep!

Customer: Actually in this very building?

Cashier: It’s right under the desk next to me, Sir!

Customer: Great! I’ll take one, then!

Cashier: (takes it out and lifts the lid off with a spectacular box fart) This is my shop demo copy, Sir; the pallet arrives in a fortnight just as soon as it’s cleared Customs. Will you be collecting or should I pop it in the Post for you?

Customer: (seething) So did you bring anything at all back from Essen Spiel with you?

Cashier: (gestures to his waistcoat) I got this rather natty waistcoat, Sir?

Customer: You didn't go to Spiel at all, did you?

Cashier: (blushing and ashamed) No, Sir; I overslept and missed my flight. I'm sorry.

Customer: (leaving) What a disgraceful waste of my time!

(the customer departs, slamming the door behind him; a moment later he rises - as if on a lift - in view of the middle of the shop window, shakes his head and walks off)

Cashier: (calling after him) I apologise again, Sir! (he looks down at the open box on the counter) He didn't ask me where I got my copy of Charterstone from...

(the cashier begins to giggle; it develops in to a belly laugh and, quickly, to maniacal roaring. He walks over to the Stock Room door and swings it open: inside are stack-upon-stack of Spiel goodies - all of the major products are there, glistening in their shrink-wrap!)

Cashier: All...Mine!



(Fade Out)
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Wed Nov 8, 2017 6:00 am
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FLGS 40 (Rules)

Anthony Boydell
United Kingdom
Newent. Glos
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(we are in an FLGS; there is a painted logo on the window which reads Friendly Hobby Games & Cards)

Door bell: *ding-a-ling-a-dong ding dong ding*

Customer: (cheerfully) Good morning!

Cashier: (tersely) 100% incorrect because it’s on or after 12PM, so: “Good afternoon”

Customer: Er –

Cashier: Can I help you? I’m really rather busy.

Customer: (looks around the obviously-empty shop) Um – I was wondering if you had a copy of 7th Continent; I hear it’s very good!

Cashier: 38% irrelevant as to whether it’s good or not, 33% inaccurate because it’s called “The 7th Continent”. And: “No”, we don’t have any retail copies.

Customer: Oh, bugger; that’s disappointing.

Cashier: I am issuing you with an official warning for profanity; please do not reply to me directly but you may contest the warning with the Manager.

Customer: What?

(the cashier, stoney-faced, stares silently back at the customer)

Customer: Can I pre-order 7th Continent, then?

Cashier: 88% unclear: I cannot make out any details of a preferred timescale. And you've missed out the 'The' again.

Customer: (peeved) Look, mate, I’d like to pre-order (interrupting himself) – paying a 10 percent down payment on – a retail copy of THE 7th Continent – published by Serious Poulp – giving you advanced notice of up to 3 months after which –if still unavailable - I’d like the pre-order to be cancelled and my deposit refunded. Within 30 days.

(the customer pauses, mildly-triumphant)

Cashier: (makes to reach under the counter; there is an interminable pause) One –

Customer: - Yes?

Cashier: - hundred percent –

Customer: - Yes? Yes?

Cashier: (slams hand down hard on the counter) – INCORRECT because The 7th Continent is a Kickstarter-only item and not (yet) available in retail; consequently, your order has been refused! (pulls air to punctuate the sentence) Additionally, we are not 'mates'.

Customer: (angry) You bloody imbecile!

Cashier: (interrupting) This establishment will not tolerate personal attacks and you have been served with a 30 day ban; you will be unable to enter this shop during that period or interact with it’s staff and/or products in any way. The ban is effective immediately.

Customer: Wha?

(the cashier leads the customer to the door, opens it for him and waits until he walks through)

Customer: This is an outrage!

Cashier: Thanks for understanding (closes the door and returns to his position behind the counter)

(the telephone rings)

Cashier: (picking up) Good afternoon?

Voice on Phone: (audible but tinny) Good afternoon – is that “Friendly Cards & Hobby Games”?

Cashier: Only a 60% match: rejected (puts the phone down). Rules are rules, after all.
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Thu Sep 14, 2017 6:23 am
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FLGS 39 (Interrupt)

Anthony Boydell
United Kingdom
Newent. Glos
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Door: *ding-a-ling-a-dong ding dong ding*

Cashier: (he is watching a woodlouse crawling slowly across the desk - a Carcassonne meeple is balanced on it’s segmented, chitinous back – and muttering) Go on, my beauty!

Customer: Good morn-

Cashier: (looks up and interrupts) Oh good morning, Sir!

Customer: -ing, shop-

Cashier: (continuing) How can I help?

Customer: -keeper. Um…

(there is an awkward pause)

Customer: Er, yes; I was wondering if you had a copy of King-

Cashier: (jumping in) King of Tokyo?

Customer: No, er, King -

Cashier: King Brick?

Customer: No, um, King -

Cashier: ‘King get to the point?

Customer: Kingdomino

Cashier: Kingdomino?

Customer: Yes; the game that’s just won –

Cashier: (jumping in) of a series like those Escape room games?

Customer: No, just won –

Cashier: - tired Euro mechanic after another?

Customer: No, just won –

Cashier: - derful?

Customer: Just won the Spiel des Jahres!

Cashier: Oh.

Customer: Have you got it?

Cashier: No. Sorry. Was there anything else I could help you with?

Customer: Well, I was hoping I might pick up –

Cashier: (interrupting) – the local radio station?

Customer: No, pick up –

Cashier: - a penguin? (points to a display of chocolate bars and biscuits)

Customer: No, pick up –

Cashier: - a pretty, young gentleman to spend the evening with?

Customer: Pick up something else.

Cashier: Oh.

Customer: Can you recommend anything?

Cashier: (glances down at the woodlouse) Not really, no. You see: I don’t normally work here. I’m just standing in –

Customer: (interrupts) – the local by-election?

Cashier: No, standing in –

Customer:– a pool of your own urine?

Cashier: No, standing in –

Customer: – “Stan Dingin”? That’s your name: Stan Dingin?

Cashier: No, standing in for a friend.

Customer: Oh. Well, in that case, I think I’ll go somewhere else (he leaves)

Cashier: Fair –

Customer: - Enough?

Cashier: No. Fair cough then, yuh bastud.
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Wed Aug 23, 2017 6:30 am
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Minnellium 2000!

Anthony Boydell
United Kingdom
Newent. Glos
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Click [Play] and...




It hardly seems like three years since I crossed the magic 1000 posts line only, now, to find myself - chest thrust out against the shiny tape - pressing home the 2000! Only one other BGG blog has been this way before me and that's Eric's BGG News which had a head start, to be fair (but I'm catching him albeit very slowly).

Qn. Is there anyone who's been with me since the beginning*

I've laughed, cried, ranted, travelogued, designed (and designer diary-ed), japed, "session reported", surreal-ed, rumoured and generally muscled my way in to your mornings (or your last thing at nights) since 2011 and yet I still can't get any love from The Geek Weekly! I get (much) love from you folks, though, and that's the (second) best kind of Love of all.

Qn. Why don't people thumb humorous posts with Polls/Quizzes in?



Just like when its one's birthday on a work day, it is I who have brought along some treats!

First up, for those of you who are still having - or who just got the game and are about to have - problems with Guilds of London's iconography, I've done a couple of helpful markup sheets. Simply print on to A4 sized labels, cut out and then affix to the bottom of each card before sheathing in the branded sleeve of your choice:




(If my GoL expansion ever sees the light of day, I'll be sure and get these done on transparent, sticky plastic)




Qn. What is your favourite post evva?

Secondly, I have been awfully selfish in my persistent banging on about "having a shed" (and the need thereof/therein/wheretofore), so I've made some up for Snowdonia and they come in a variety of first-come first-served flavours:


Costs are varying (there is no defined order, just choose the one you want). Your 3rd worker costs 1 coal, but if you pay an extra coal you get your 3rd worker AND you may take a contract card from the selection - if you do take a card, replace it immediately from the top of the deck. During train maintenance you must discard a contract card you possess or lose the train Shed.




Finally, here's a special edition from Boydell's FLGS:

Quote:

(we are in a FLGS; you can tell because it smells of stale farts and pizza dough even though you’re just reading a description of it on-screen. There are a variety of new releases in the display window along with a sign that says: “Don’t ask because we don’t have: Gloomhaven, any 7 Wonders Dual promos, that game with the ‘tits’ in).”. The cashier is stood behind the counter trying to release his hand from the counter-top, to which it has been stapled)

Doorbell: Ding-dong-dong-ding. Dong-ding-ding-dong.

Customer: (brushing dry leaves from his shoulders) Good afternoon.

Cashier: (looking up; covers stuck hand with a tea-towel) Ah, yes. Good afternoon, Sir! Can I help at all?

Customer: (chuckling, he takes a piece of folded paper from his breast pocket and opens it) Yes, indeed; I very much hope so! Do you have...Whorer Et Labora?

Cashier: Do you mean Ora Et Labora...by Uwe Rosenberg?

Customer: No, I mean Whorer Et Labora by Duvet Rosenbonk. It's about building and running a place of ill-repute.

Cashier: We haven't got any games by Duvet Rosenbonk

Customer: It's about placing your workers in to empty action slots...mostly.

Cashier: That's as may be, sir, but we don't have it.

Customer: You must have heard of Fields of Arse?

Cashier: No, sir.

Customer: A Fist for Odin? (the cashier glares at the customer) - I see. How about games by Richard Breese?

Cashier: Why, yes, we DO have games by him.

Customer: Deflower?

Cashier: Key-flower, sir.

Customer: No, Deflower. Or Inhabit My Berth?

Cashier: (confused) How are you spelling "Breese", sir?

Customer: B - R - I - E - F - S. The 'F' is silent.

Cashier: (annoyed) Of course it is.

Customer: (looks at list again) I'll try another des-

Cashier: (catching on) Before you ask, "sir", we don't have any games by "Stiff 'un" Feld or Anal R. Moon or Ign-arse-y Trevijerk or Reiner Ker-tits-ia or Alexander Fister or Phil Wanker-Harding or -

Customer: (interrupting) Eric Wang?

Cashier: (fed up) No, sir; and now I am going to have to ask you to leave -

(the cashier tries to walk around the counter but his hand his still stuck to the countertop; he tugs extra hard and the hand is freed - the staple pings off and hits the doorbell)

Doorbell: ting!

Customer: Wait! Wait, I want to buy -

Cashier: (hustling the customer toward the door) Out!

Customer: Tony Boydell?

Cashier: What? (he pauses his pushing)

Customer: Tony Boydell - do you have any games by Tony Boydell?

Cashier: Not "Boney Toydell"? Not "Tony Bordello"?

Customer: No.

Cashier: (dusts himself off; notices there is a huge hole in the middle of his staple-less hand) Er...well I've got a copy of (reaches down to pick something up and shows it to the customer) this?


PAUSE

Question: What game did he show the customer?**





So, there you have it: two bloody thousand posts***.

-phew-

Can I stop yet?

*excluding anyone who has died or been imprisoned, naturally.
**there shall be a prize for the best answer
***Of course, I'm expecting peeps to thumb the 'flip' out of this post!
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Tue Jul 11, 2017 6:05 am
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FLGS 37 (Public Information Film)

Anthony Boydell
United Kingdom
Newent. Glos
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(we are in your everyday, run-of-the-mill, plain-and-simple FLGS; the cashier is operating a forklift truck and elevating a single copy of Gloomhaven to the top of the ‘New Arrivals’ shelf; he is sniggering, profusely, as the pallet rises, in anticipation of the larks that shall surely ensue when a customer eventually tries to retrieve it for purchase. In the window display, unopened Star Wars Destiny booster packs are being fanned out in an elaborate and decorative manner by the store assistant who has also, that morning, cleaned and polished the front window’s glass so that the display is clearly visible; spot-lights and ‘flash’ signs further emphasise the availability of these sought-after products. Thin slivers of razor blade are being affixed to the rim of the display’s back so that any customer invited to “lean over and pull them straight out of the window” will inevitably receive horrific chest and/or stomach wounds. A pyramid of Anachronys shines from the far corner and is signalled by a line of floor tiles with bright “Follow me!” arrows pasted on; each so-decorated tile is several millimetres proud of the overall flooring level because anti-personnel mines have been secreted beneath. The assistant meets the cashier at the Sales Desk and they take, examine and prime a pump-action shotgun each; the barrels of both weapons sport the stencilled phrase “Free Rising Sun Kickstarter Stretch Goal Inside!”. The Stock Room door has, itself, been re-decorated with an enormous 3D PoS standee for Terraforming Mars and a banner announcing 'Self-Service Inside'; if you were to listen, briefly, at the portal you would hear the unmistakable growling of a large cat or cats. A guillotine, primed and horribly-sharp, provides the frame and frontage to a shelf of Santorinis. By the Till, a mass of slithering, writhing and spitting Cobra are contained within a 'Pledge Jar' inviting customers to "Post Your Pandemic Legacy: Season Two Pre-Orders HERE!")

Door Bell: Ning-nong-nang: clang!

(a customer enters)

Cashier: (rubbing his hands, he speaks under his breath, to the assistant He we flipping go!

Cashier: (brightly, cheerfully) Good morning, Sir! Can I help you? (he waves his arms as if receiving adulation from the room)

Customer: Yes, indeed; I wonder if you might have a copy of -

(both the cashier and the assistant lean in a little closer)

Cashier: (excitedly) Yes?

Customer: - a copy of -

Cashier: Yes?

Assistant: Yes?

Customer: (innocently, without a trace of irony) Monopoly?

(the scene freezes; a smartly-dressed Narrator type wanders in front of the image and speaks)

Narrator: Little did that Customer know how close he came to his doom; let this be a warning to you all: the cult of the new is The. Cult. Of. Death.

(fade to black)
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Tue Mar 21, 2017 6:20 am
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Pie-eyed

Anthony Boydell
United Kingdom
Newent. Glos
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(I wrote this way back in 2013 and re-discovered it this morning on a "Your Memories" feed of somesuch or other; I'm really rather pleased with it and present it for your delectation again. It still feels more apposite than ever!)

Once upon a time there was a village. In the village there lived a Farmer who had a large orchard. The orchard, every year, produced fruit for the Farmer and, every year, he would bake many apple pies, load his cart and draw them along the dusty road into the nearby Town. The Farmer liked a variety of apples in his Orchard and there was always something new growing in one of the corners.

The Farmer had just finished setting out his stall in the Town Square, and had written a number of simple signs to inform and delight his customers, when the first visitor of the day arrived. The first visitor was carrying a basket with a mouldy pie in it and a deep frown: "I bought this pie from you last month and when I had it for my breakfast this morning it tasted awful - I want my money back!"

The Farmer replied: "The pie was fresh when I sold it to you, Sir; did you not read the instructions about storage, serving suggestions or note the 'Use by' date?"

The man responded, angrily: "The instructions? Why would I need to read instructions? I've eaten food all of my life and have been known to partake of apple pie on occasion - what use have I for instructions? I think I can work it out for myself."

The Farmer, a reasonable man, explained that he couldn't give a refund but offered a replacement pie by way of good will.

"I'd rather have my money back" said the customer, "because I already have lots of fruit pies in my larder and I'm not sure I need another one."

The Farmer smiled: "But my apple pie contains my own blend of spices and sweetenings that you won't find in other pies."

The Farmer handed him a new type of pie made with a variety of apples, some of which were unfamiliar to the citizens of the town.

"Spices?" sneered the customer, "Spices? My neighbour says spices and apple are an awful combination - he heard it from his cousin, who heard it from a traveller at the Inn"

"So you've never actually tried spices with your apple pie, then?" asked the Farmer.

"No, certainly not." said the customer, "and I'm not about to start now! I regard myself as an adventurous eater. I applaud innovation in baking, I'm all for experimentation - but I just don't want to try anything new - especially if someone else says it's rubbish anyway."

"You can have a pie baked to the same recipe as the mouldy one, then - if you like?" smiled the Farmer.

The customer sighed: "How dull!"

The Farmer continued: "So you don't want something the same as before but you definitely don't want to try something new?"

"Yes...er, no...er, yes" spluttered the customer.

"Take a look at this menu" offered the Farmer. The customer took the menu and scanned it...

"Hmmm....apple and honey? I don't like bees so that pie will be utterly disgusting!"

"Here...try some" said the Farmer.

The customer took a mouthful of the apple and honey pie and spat it straight out again: "Euurrrgh! It's got a crunchy bit of apple in it!" he exclaimed.

"Oh," said the Farmer, "that sometimes happens - just set it to one side and try another bite."

The customer pushed him away: "No, thank you! If I have a crunchy bit of apple in my first bite then I'm bound to have another crunchy bit in the next one...and a maggot...and probably some stones. Someone in the Tavern said that all apple pies will, on average, be 78% likely to contain uneven levels of crunch in the apple. Do you have anything else?"

"I've got small rhubarb pies" replied the Farmer.

"Rhubarb? That's popular in the neighbouring countries, isn't it?" said the customer, "Not sure I care for that...AND I don't like small pies - small pies are pointless and unsatisfying as everyone who knows about pies knows; give me a large pie every time! Preferably one I can divide up into equal shares."

The Farmer sighed.

Cheerily, the customer asked: "By the way, how you tell the different types of pie apart on your stall?"

The Farmer took a couple of delicious-looking dishes from the shelves and pointed to their tops: "I label each one with a pastry alphabetic character..."

The customer grimaced: "Euurgh!" he coughed, "I don't like the font you've chosen!"

The Farmer reached into his jerkin and pulled out a shiny sixpence; he placed it firmly in the customer's hand then closed up his stall and went home to his village.
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Fri Jan 27, 2017 8:03 am
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FLGS 36 (Die)

Anthony Boydell
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Newent. Glos
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(we are in a Friendly LG Store; the shelves are blah blah rhubarb rhubarb, blither and blather. The cashier is behind the counter and holding a tall house plant in front of his chest and face. He is sniggering)

Doorbell: *My ding a ling, my ding a ling. I want to play with my ding a ling*

Customer: (looking around, confused) Hello?

(the Cashier continues to snigger)

Customer: (wandering about, lifting the occasional box) Hello? Hellooooooooooo?

Cashier: (still behind the Chlorophytum comosum) Good morning, Sir!

Customer: (jumps in surprise then looks about, panicked) Who said that?!

(the cashier lowers the plant and smiles)

Cashier: I’m over here. (he waves) Just my little joke, Sir!

Customer: (holds hand to chest and breathes deeply) Gosh! You really had me worried for a moment!

Cashier: (contritely) I’m so sorry, Sir; I didn’t mean to startle you quite so much. Now, how can I help?

Customer: (reaching in to his pocket, he retrieves a regular d6) Well, I’ve been recently having problems with this (puts the d6 on to the counter and points to it)

Cashier: (lowers his face so that his nose is almost touching it) What's the issue, Sir?

Customer: Well, I was playing a game of Eclipse with several of my gaming associates and, during the combat resolution for control of a key ‘1’ sector – it was a crossroads for multiple potential enemy player incursions - I needed to roll greater than or equal to a ‘4’ to destroy his Star Base but, instead, rolled a ‘2’

Cashier: (sympathetically) I see. That must’ve been quite distressing for you, Sir?

Customer: Indeed it was; I ended up failing to take the sector as a result.

Cashier: And did you lose the game, Sir?

Customer: That’s not yet clear because as soon as I failed to roll the ‘four or more’, I resolved to get it checked over and came here immediately.

Cashier: So the game is still “in progress”?

Customer: Yes.

Cashier: I see (scratches his head) Well, before I book the die in for evaluation I just need to take a few details –

Customer: Go ahead.

Cashier: Name?

Customer: The same one I’ve had since Birth -

Cashier: Great. Address?

Customer: Yes, thank you.

Cashier: Approximate date of purchase?

Customer: Of my address?

Cashier: No, Sir; of the die.

Customer: (chuckles) Actually, there’s a very amusing story behind that!

(there is a long pause)

Cashier: (moving along) Well…that all seems to be in order. If you could just go to the Service Desk over there (points to a pile of charred copies of The Big Book of Madness)

(the customer picks up the die and walks over to the service desk)

Service Operative: Good morning, Sir. (a paper aeroplane thrown by the cashier hits him in the face; he unravels the plane and reads) Ah, I see you’re having trouble with one of your dice?

Customer: (putting it on to the counter, which is still smoking slightly) Here it is.

Service Operative: (inspects it) Ok...let’s try a few things out: please name an integer between 1 and 5.

Customer: A three.

(the Service Operative rolls the die and it comes up ‘6’)

Service Operative: And again, Sir?

Customer: A two.

(the Service Operative rolls the die and it comes up ‘4’; this is repeated eight times more – on each roll, the number is greater than or equal to the number suggested by the customer)

Service Operative: Well, that all seems to be in order, Sir -

Customer: How odd.

Service Operative: - and with it being out of Warranty, it would be quite a bit more expensive to take a more detailed look, Sir.

Customer: So what do you recommend?

Service Operative: Well, you could go back and finish the game and keep an eye on it; or -

Customer: Or...?

Service Operative: - or: we could roll it a few times here, make notes and you could take them back and use those predetermined numbers instead?

Customer: I think I’ll go for that last option…

(the Operative takes out a clean piece of paper and rolls the die repeatedly, writing the value down each time; when done, he hands the die and the paper to the customer)


Service Operative: There you are, Sir; that will be £25 plus VAT

(the customer pays and leaves)

CAPTION:
TWO HOURS LATER


Doorbell: *My ding a ling, my ding a ling. I want to play with my ding a ling*

(the same customer from before enters and scurries over to the Service Desk)

Service Operative: (recognising him) O! Hello, Sir! Is everything alright?

Customer: Yes, except -

Service Operative: Except what, Sir?

Customer: (confused, he holds out the paper) Do I use the numbers starting from the ‘top’, or just pick them from the list at random?

Service Operative: Oh, for Fu -

FIN
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Thu Jan 19, 2017 11:01 am
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