Every Man Needs A Shed

Life and Games (but mostly games) from Tony Boydell: Dad, Husband and Independent UK Game Designer, Agricola fanboy and jealous admirer of Carl Chudyk. www.surprisedstaregames.co.uk

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Whut?!

Anthony Boydell
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Newent. Glos
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Mon Sep 24, 2018 6:15 am
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FLGS 46 (Pitch)

Anthony Boydell
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Newent. Glos
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(we are in your friendly local game store and it's "Designer Open Mic Night"; not, of course, involving stand-up comedy or musical 'chops' but, instead, a chance for budding game designers to 'pitch' their ideas to the indie Owner/Publisher. There is a rectangular table set-up adjacent to the PoS and the Cashier is sat behind it with a notebook, a pencil and a fresh cup of steaming coffee. There is a queue of people snaking away from the table and around the store; the participants are holding a variety of boxes, cartons and packages - one of them is holding a small dog)

Call Bell: (upon being roughly-palmed by the Cashier) *Ding*

Cashier: Next!

Designer: (nervously taking seat) Um, hi; I'm Fiona. How about "You ARE the Dice Tower?"

Cashier: (curious) Speak -

Designer 1: Well, you eat a bunch of dice and wait unt-

Cashier: (interrupting) Next!

Designer 2: (taking the seat) You didn't ding the bell.

Call Bell: (upon being roughly-handled by the Cashier) *Ding*

Cashier: Proceed -

Designer 2: Thanks. Well, I'm sure that you are as worried as I am about (makes air quotes) "accessibility in gaming" -

Cashier: Colour me interested -

Designer 2: - so I've come up with revolutionary technique for a Universal Accessibility Tool for any game.

Cashier: (impressed) Wow! Let's try Keyflower, then, for starters!

Designer 2: This is the method for the hearing-impaired...(SHOUTING) THERE ARE TWO RED MEEPLES ON THE WOODCUTTER TILE! THERE IS A SINGLE GREEN MEEPLE BIDDING FOR THE FIRST-PICK OF THE BOATS!

Cashier: Er -

Designer 2: It works for the vision-impaired too: close your eyes and I'll show you.

Cashier: (closes his eyes) Er -

Designer 2: (shoves the Cashier hard on the shoulder and shouts) OI! THERE ARE TWO RED MEEPLES ON THE WOODCUTTER TILE! THERE IS A SINGLE GREEN MEEPLE BIDDING FOR THE FIRST-PICK OF THE BOATS!

Call Bell: (upon being roughly-fingered by the Cashier after several eyes-closed attempts slapping the table) *Ding*

Cashier: Next!

Designer 3: (is holding several ears of corn) Hello, I -

Cashier: Magic Maize, is it?!

Designer 3: - yes, but -

Call Bell: (upon being roughly-palmed by the Cashier) *Ding*

Cashier: Next!

Designer 4: (shuffles forward, shyly) Hello.

Cashier: (a little impatiently) Yes? Sit down. Get on with it, then!

Designer 4: (starting to take something from his bag) Well, this is -

(the designer immediately behind him in the queue leans in and starts taking things out of the bag too)

Designer 5: - Tell him about the dice drafting mechanic!

Designer 4: Well, it's a dice drafting mech -

Designer 5: It's really great and it means you're not hammered by bad rolls!

Designer 4: - you get special tokens to mitigate the -

Designer 5: It's a co-operative game too; all of the players have to achieve the same, single goal or they lose collectively!

Cashier: And what is that goal?

Designer 4: It's a game about pi -

Designer 5: Pitching games to publishers and getting them signed!

Cashier: Next! (as designer 5 rocks up) and Next! immediately!

Call Bell: (upon being roughly-pummeled by the Cashier) *Ding* *Ding*

Designer 6: Doctor? My puppy won't stop pooing.

Cashier: I'm not actually a veterinarian.

Designer 6: No but you know how to handle a relentless flow of shit, don't you?!


Now THAT'S satire!
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Thu Aug 2, 2018 6:30 am
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FLGS 45 (Box)

Anthony Boydell
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Newent. Glos
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(we are in a friendly, local game store; there is no-one in here apart from the Cashier and a customer browsing the Chess sets. The cashier is chuckling along to YouTube movies of people who fail to see holes in the ground and comically come to a sticky - and painful - pass. An early 20th century police box materializes in the middle of the Family Favourites section; a copy of Carcassonne is knocked to the floor as the door opens. An urgent-seeming man steps out and on to the fallen game box: he slides across the floor, waving his arms about erratically, until he comes to rest against the Roleplaying Supplements. An assistant follows him out of the police box and hands him a game.)

Cashier: (looking up from his phone) Can I help, Sir...Madam?

Urgent Man: (holding out a colourful box in the direction of the Cashier) I wish to complain!

Cashier: Oh yes, Sir? What seems to be the problem?

Urgent Man: (shaking the box roughly) I bought this (points) from you six months from now and it's got a whole player's worth of components missing!

Cashier: (remaining calm; he's had all the proper training, you know) Goodness but that's a shame, Sir; I'd be happy to check things over and arrange for a replacement? When exactly did you buy this from us, Sir?

Urgent Man: (pulls a receipt from his pocket) Here!

(the cashier takes the receipt and looks it up and down)

Cashier: Oh yes, I see: this coming Autumn. (looking at the game box) That's interesting...how many players were you expecting, Sir?

Urgent Man: Five, of course!

Cashier: Hmmmm...this game doesn't support five players, Sir; though there's a rumour of a five player expansion next year -

Urgent Man: (seems to have an idea) Er - Hold that thought!

(the urgent man and his companion run back in to the Police box; it de-materializes.)

Cashier: *sigh*

(the police box re-materializes; it's too close to a copy of Feudum that's sticking out of it's shelf; leaning, off-balance, against the colourful twaddle, the police box topples backwards to the floor with a lazy thump. The urgent man and - this time - two companions emerge, flopping about on the linoleum like a trio of freshly-landed fish; the man is carrying a small box and seems less urgent than before)

Less Urgent Man: (brushing himself and stepping up to the counter) I wish to complain!

Cashier: Still?

Less Urgent Man: (perplexed) I beg your pardon?

Cashier: You were already complaining about this (he gestures to the box already resting on the counter)

Less Urgent Man: But that (gesturing to the box already resting on the counter) is what I want to complain about -

Cashier: I know -

Less Urgent Man: I ordered that on your web site two years from now but was sent this instead!

Cashier: (looking from one box to the other and back to the man) And do you want a refund? Or an exchange?

(the customer in the Chess corner steps in to the glare of the point-of-sale lights: it is the Urgent/Less Urgent Man and he seems quite calm)

Calm Man: Don't give him a refund; you've already given him a refund once!

Cashier: When?

Calm Man: Last Thursday.

Cashier: (momentarily struck silent) -

Calm Man: He gave you a receipt; take look in the till.

(the Cashier looks in the till and finds a receipt that he'd not noticed before; it is, indeed, for a refund.)

Cashier: (pointing to the games on the counter) And what am I supposed to do with these?!

Calm Man: Well, the small one is not due to be released for 18 months; you could always steal the idea and publish it yourself first?

Cashier: (indignant) But that would be immoral!

Less Urgent Man: To be fair, how do you know you're not going to design it in the first place anyway?

(both men nod and walk back in to the same police box, followed by the companions; the box de-materializes. The copy of Feudum falls off the shelf.

Cashier: (inspecting the small box in detail) Well, I never!

FIN

(we are in an FLGS...)
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Tue Jun 19, 2018 6:20 am
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FLGS 44 (Help)

Anthony Boydell
United Kingdom
Newent. Glos
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(we are an F.L.G.S; there is a huge sign on the glass door with "We buy unwanted 7th Continents and Feudums for CA$H!" on it. The cashier is sat behind the PoS counter wearing a Smartphone virtual reality headset and wildly waving his arms about)

Cashier: (flailing) Mother! Not the bagel-squeezer?!

(a customer enters; he is dressed in a business-like manner and is carrying a large hold-all)

Door Bell: doink! ba-dingleeee

Cashier: (still 'in cyberspace') Hello?

Customer: (almost inaudibly) Yes, um; hello. Yes.

Cashier: (turning his head hither-and-yon) Is anyone there?

Customer: Yes.

(the cashier continues to play whatever game is vomiting through his eyeballs. The customer waits for a few minutes then walks over to the door, opens it and then closes it again)

Door Bell: ding! bo-diddlee!

Cashier: (quickly removing the apparatus; he recognises the customer and straightens his creased fringe) Ah, hello, Mr Cheesehandle. *Ahem* Can I help you?

Customer: It's pronounced "Chaise-hond-lay", actually. Yes, I would like you to look after some games for me, please. (he indicates to the holdall he is carrying)

Cashier: Of course, Sir. What would you like me to do with them: simple storage? Cleaning?

Customer: I keep taking them to my club but no-one wants to play them; to save valuable time, I'd like you to not want to play the games on my club's behalf instead.

Cashier: Certainly, Sir; that shouldn't be a problem at all (indicates to the holdall himself) - may I?

(the customer hands the holdall over)

Cashier: (opening it) Ah, thank you. Let's see...

(he removes the games one-by-one, stacking them on the counter)

Cashier: Keyflower?! That one's certainly a surprise, Sir!

Customer: One of the members is hexaphobic; he foams at the filtrum and can barely breathe in the presence of dice and/or crayon rails games.

Cashier: Gosh, well, I see. And what's this...Scythe?! Really?

Customer: One of the members objects to the exploitation of the proletariat following a detailed socioeconomic analysis that frames capitalism through a paradigm of exploitation, class relations and social conflict using a materialist interpretation of historical development and taking a dialectical view of social transformation.

Cashier: He's a Marxist, then?

Customer: Actually, I believe he's a Sagittarius but no matter.

Cashier: (returning to his unpacking) Pandemic? Now this seems a very odd choice!

Customer: We don't like the smell of the cards.

Cashier: The smell of the - ?

Customer: Cards, no. Sickly sweet with a sour edge.

Cashier: That's the tag line on the side of the box, isn't it? (he chuckles at his own joke but is not joined by the customer)

Customer: Global extermination at the hands of unchecked viral and bacterial contagions is hardly a laughing matter.

Cashier: (composing himself) No, absolutely...and, lastly, we have...

Customer & Cashier: (in unison) No Thanks!

(there is a pause)

Cashier: Let me guess...you ask everyone if they want to play any of these games and they reply with 'No Thanks'.

Customer: Correct.

Cashier: I think I can see what's happening here.

Customer: So. Will you be able to help me?

Cashier: Certainly, Sir; though I will just have to check that someone is available to not want to play these games as a proxy (he looks something up on his computer) Ah, yes - Mr Davies is on duty - he's very good - so I'll just book you in, if I may?

Customer: Yes.

Cashier: Name...Cheesehandle...comma...Mr

Customer: Chaise-hond-lay, yes.

Cashier: Period of Transaction?

Customer: Um, one week.

Cashier: And do the games have any special requirements?

Customer: Such as?

Cashier: To be ignored lying flat or standing on their short side?

Customer: Er, flat please.

Cashier: Very wise choice, Sir; the components won't all collapse on top of each other that way. And would you like them shunned in a specific order, Sir?

Customer: Yes - alphabetically, please.

Cashier: Very good, Sir. And how much disdain would you like us to show while snubbing? You can choose anything from a mild, dismissive shrug to a full-blown Internet Forum rant.

Customer: Just a shrug, I think.

Cashier: 'Tutting' or 'no tutting', Sir?

Customer: Could I have intermittent tutting, please?

Cashier But of course! Occasional, ie. pseudo-random, or rhythmic?

Customer: Rhythmic, please.

Cashier: Excellent. Well, that all seems to be in order, Mr Chaise-hond-lay. And how would you like to pay?

Customer: Cheesehandle; could I have it on account, please?

Cashier: Certainly, Sir. (he rings a small bell on the counter; a young man emerges from a door at the far end of the shop pushing a sack-truck) Ah, Dennis! Please take Sir's games through to the loading bay...and mind you don't look at them on the way!

Dennis: Oh, they're for ignoring are they?

Cashier: Are what for ignoring?

Dennis: Very good, mate; very good! (he loads the sack truck and departs, all the while with his head turned away

Cashier: All done, Sir; so we shall see you in a week's time!

Customer: Goodbye.

Cashier: Goodbye, Sir.

(the customer departs; the Cashier fits his headset back on and resumes his flailing)

Cashier: Mother! The strainer's not big enough for my bags!

FIN
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Sat Apr 7, 2018 6:45 am
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FLGS 43 (Hate)

Anthony Boydell
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Newent. Glos
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(you know the drill by now: we're in an FLGS and everything that entails)

Door bell: (weakly) *Dink*

Customer: (cheerfully) A very good fucking morning to you!

Cashier: (looks up, confused) Eh?

Customer: I said ‘Good Morning’!

Cashier: (relieved) Oh, yeah. Right. And a good morning to you!

Customer: Bonus!

Cashier: Can I help?

Customer: Yes, well, it’s all gone to shit in my regular weekly meet-up and I’d like something to inject a little excitement back in to the proceedings.

Cashier: (worried) Gone to shit?

Customer: Indeed. I’m surrounded by arseholes.

Cashier: Arseholes?

Customer: Absolutely; they keep getting up and leaving – one bastard after another –

Cashier: (shocked) Quite!

Customer: - and losing a man is a fucking problem –

Cashier: - or woman, obviously.

Customer: What?

Cashier: Losing a woman is a problem too?

Customer: Pardon?

Cashier: (pausing) Losing a woman is a fucking problem too?

Customer: (nodding) Yes, of course! It’s a big fucking problem.

Cashier: Well, have you tried something co-operative instead? Something like Pandemic: Legacy, say, or Time Stories to bring the group together?

Customer: (thinking to himself) Would we have to fucking kill everyone?

Cashier: (nervous) Not as such.

Customer: Does it come with lots of shit to help the players?

Cashier: Oh, yes; there’s a lot of components in the box.

Customer: (gleefully) Well it certainly sounds like the thing I’ve been fucking waiting for!

Cashier: (picks up a copy of Pandemic: Legacy and starts wrapping it) That will be £49.95 then, please.

Customer: (pulling the money out of his wallet) I can’t fucking wait! (the customer departs, excitedly)

Cashier: Well, that outburst certainly kick-started my day.
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Tue Jan 23, 2018 6:20 am
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FLGS 42 (Grotto)

Anthony Boydell
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Newent. Glos
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(we are in a friendly, local game store; it is decorated for the Festive season with tinsel, holly wreaths and a plenty of fake snow. One corner of the shop has been filled with giant papier maché rock face complete with a curtained cave entrance; a sign above it has one of those sliding in/out slots and reads "Father Christmas is OCCUPIED". The cashier is sat behind the counter in a wing-back armchair; he is wearing a Santa hat and is snoozing. A customer and his young child wanders in from a frosty-looking street and stands in front of the counter)

Door Bell: (silence)

Customer: (forcefully) Ahem!

Cashier: (jolting awake) Wha? It's always bent slightly to the right...what?!

Customer: What?

Cashier: (straightening his hat and moving an empty brandy glass out of sight) A very Merry Christmas to you, Sir! How can I help?

Customer: We'd like to see Santa Claus, please!

Child: (shouts) Santa!

Cashier: (glances at the grotto) Um, I'm afraid he's busy at the moment -

Customer: No problem, we'll wait.

(they begin to browse the Party Game section; the curtain swishes aside and an ashen-faced geek staggers out clutching a copy of Anachrony and approaches the counter)

Geek: (stunned) He said I was going to meet a tall, handsome stranger and then get run over by a bus! (exits)

Child: (shouts) Santa!

Cashier: You can go in now...

(the Customer and child disappear in to the Grotto and the sign flicks back; there is the sound of screams, buzz-saws, grinding and the occasional squelch...then nothing)

Door Bell: (silence)

(a customer enters)

Cashier: A very Merry Christmas to you, Sir!

Customer: (grumpily) Bah!

Cashier: Can I help?

Customer: (tersely) Have you got any Civ games?

Cashier: Yes, indeed, we have quite a lo-

Customer: (gleefully) I love Civ games.

Cashier: Er -

Customer: - I particularly like it when the disasters decrease the surplus population -

Cashier: Well, if you'd just go over to the Grotto and wait; someone will be able to assist you shortly!

(the customer shuffles over to the cave; the curtain is suddenly drawn back and two Cybermen stomp through the shop carrying copies of Robo Rally and Doctor Who: Exterminate! The Miniatures Game; they destroy the door with a laser blast and leave.)

Cashier: You can go in now...

(the Customer enters the Grotto; there is silence and then the sound of inconsolable sobbing.)

Door Bell: (silence)

(a customer enters - it is YOU, dear Reader!)

Cashier: A very Merry Christmas to you, Sir/Madam (delete as applicable)

You: And to you!

Cashier: Can I help?

You: Yes please: I'd like to see Father Christmas!

Cashier: (glances over at the grotto) He shouldn't be too long.

You: No problem.

(the miserable customer emerges from the cave entrance; he is smiling and giggling hysterically and clutching a copy of Spirit Island)

Customer: (laughingly) They did it! They did it all in one night! (spots YOU) You there!

You: Who? Me?

Customer: Yes, you, Sir/Madam (delete as relevant)! Is there still a copy of Gloomhaven in the window?

You: What? The game that's almost as big as me?

Customer: Naturally! (chuckling) What a clever, young gamer you are - yes indeed!

You: (glancing at the display) Why, yes there is

Customer: Wonderful! Miraculous, yes! Here's £200: I'd like you to buy it and deliver it to this address...

(And the joyful story plays out as if it were something from Victorian times: there is a fall of snow, there is dancing in the streets and there is redemption. You and the previously-miserable customer leave, carrying the giant box, on your mission of Mercy.)

Cashier: (waving) Good bye, Sirs/Sir and Madam (delete as appropriate)!

Door Bell: (loud and clear) Ding-a-ling-a-ling!

Cashier: (lookup up and clapping his hands together) Marvellous! It seems that Christmas has finally arrived!

(in the distance there is the honk of a horn followed by a horrible screeching of brakes)

Cashier: (under his bresath) And I guess that makes me the handsome one!

FIN

P.S. I wonder if you could describe, dear Reader, what would have happened to you had you actually made it in to the Grotto?
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Fri Dec 22, 2017 12:28 pm
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FLGS 41 (Mule)

Anthony Boydell
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(we are in an FLGS; the window is adorned with streamers and glitter and those plastic tooty things with the curled tubes on the end; there are signs propped up against be-clothed plinths proclaiming “Essen 2017!”, “Spiel Games!” and “The Hotness from Germany!”. A customer walks in to view from the right-hand side of the window and gets shorter as if descending a hidden staircase; he pauses, looks about and then backtracks: ascending. He stops, looks around curiously and tentatively takes a step forward…down a bit. He rocks back-and-forth on his feet, alternately rising a bit then falling a bit. He disappears along the way he came…there is a pause…then he comes sprinting in from the right and launches himself in to the air! Instead of landing, he completely disappears with a stifled shout.There is a crash and the door bell rings.)

Door bell: *ding-ding dinga-dinga-ding-dong ding-ding*

(the door opens and the customer falls through, executes a spectacular forward roll and stands up straight. The cashier, his nose in a care-worn copy of “Wicked Willy” and wearing a pearlescent paisley waistcoat, looks up)

Cashier: (putting the book to one side) Ah, good morning, Sir!

Customer: (brushing himself down) Er…good morning.

Cashier: Don’t worry, Sir; those imaginary stairs are a bit tricky – especially when there’s been a severe frost.

Customer: But there hasn’t been a frost –

Cashier: Exactly.

(awkward silence)

Customer: Well, um, I understand you’ve just come back from Essen Spiel?

Cashier: (enthusiastically) Yes, indeed! It was an amazing experience! So many games from so many publishers! Great new things for us (gestures to himself) to share with you! (gestures outward). It’s the best chance for your friendly local game store to get the hotness in to your hands in time for the holidays!

Customer: Fantastic! So, I have a list of things I am interested in (pulls paper from pocket) and hope you can help.

Cashier: I can certainly try, Sir!

Customer: Right...Azul has been getting a lot of buzz…

Cashier: Unfortunately sold out on the Saturday morning, Sir; we hadn’t yet made it to Hall 3 with our trollies!

Customer: Oh, then how about The Gaia Project?

Cashier: Available only in German after the first two hours on Thursday –

Customer: - German would be fine –

Cashier: - only we didn’t get to the Messe until Friday by which time –

Customer: It had sold out?

Cashier: - it had sold out. Completely.

Customer: I see. Any luck with Friedemann Friese’s Fast Forward series?

Cashier: Oh yes! -

Customer: - great -

Cashier: - let me finish: Oh yes…we saw plenty of copies, but they weren’t selling to ‘shops’ due to limited stock.

Customer: Hmmmm – Santa Maria

Cashier: Pre-orders only, Sir.

Customer: Noria?

Cashier: (raises eyebrows) I don’t know that one, Sir – was it a popular game?

Customer: Well, it was in many of the top vloggers’ anticipation lists!

Cashier: Really? Oh, well I suppose I should check some of those out next year then!

Customer: (muttering) Yes, you should. (louder) You must have Nusfjord, though?

Cashier: The new Uwe Rosenberg ‘big box’-er?

Customer: Indeed!

Cashier: The one about fishing in Norway?

Customer: Yep!

Cashier: The one with ‘shares’ in it that’s also a bit like Glass Road?

Customer: Surely!

Cashier: …never found it, Sir; I tried ever so hard.

Customer: But it was on the huge Mayfair/Lookout stand in Hall 1!

Cashier: There was a Hall ONE?!

Customer: Heaven and Ale?

Cashier: The queue was very long when I stopped by.

Customer: Gloomhaven?

Cashier: Too big to bring back in my People Mover, Sir.

Customer: Keyper?

Cashier: Um, well, er…let’s just say that Richard Breese and I have had a “falling out”.

Customer: A “falling out”?

Cashier: (coughs) You haven’t asked me about The Sands of Time?

Customer: Is it worth it?

Cashier: It might be.

Customer: (waits) The Sands of Time?

Cashier: Ha! Got you, Sir! It never made it to the show, Sir; it’s had production issues. Just a little joke of mine.

Customer: A Nice Cup of Tea?

Cashier: Prototype only, Sir; not out until 2018.

Customer: Altiplano? Fields of Arle Expansion? Photosynthesis? Terraforming Mars: Venus Next? Trans Atlantic?

Cashier: “No”, “Nein!”, “Nope”, “In the negative” and “Again, no”…Sir.

Customer: The 7 Wonders Anniversary Packs?

Cashier: They were on a very high shelf and I couldn’t reach them down, Sir.

Customer: Charterstone?

Cashier: Yes, Sir! We have Charterstone!

Customer: (warily) In English?

Cashier: Yep!

Customer: With the Recharge Pack?

Cashier: Yep!

Customer: Actually in this very building?

Cashier: It’s right under the desk next to me, Sir!

Customer: Great! I’ll take one, then!

Cashier: (takes it out and lifts the lid off with a spectacular box fart) This is my shop demo copy, Sir; the pallet arrives in a fortnight just as soon as it’s cleared Customs. Will you be collecting or should I pop it in the Post for you?

Customer: (seething) So did you bring anything at all back from Essen Spiel with you?

Cashier: (gestures to his waistcoat) I got this rather natty waistcoat, Sir?

Customer: You didn't go to Spiel at all, did you?

Cashier: (blushing and ashamed) No, Sir; I overslept and missed my flight. I'm sorry.

Customer: (leaving) What a disgraceful waste of my time!

(the customer departs, slamming the door behind him; a moment later he rises - as if on a lift - in view of the middle of the shop window, shakes his head and walks off)

Cashier: (calling after him) I apologise again, Sir! (he looks down at the open box on the counter) He didn't ask me where I got my copy of Charterstone from...

(the cashier begins to giggle; it develops in to a belly laugh and, quickly, to maniacal roaring. He walks over to the Stock Room door and swings it open: inside are stack-upon-stack of Spiel goodies - all of the major products are there, glistening in their shrink-wrap!)

Cashier: All...Mine!



(Fade Out)
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Wed Nov 8, 2017 6:00 am
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FLGS 40 (Rules)

Anthony Boydell
United Kingdom
Newent. Glos
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(we are in an FLGS; there is a painted logo on the window which reads Friendly Hobby Games & Cards)

Door bell: *ding-a-ling-a-dong ding dong ding*

Customer: (cheerfully) Good morning!

Cashier: (tersely) 100% incorrect because it’s on or after 12PM, so: “Good afternoon”

Customer: Er –

Cashier: Can I help you? I’m really rather busy.

Customer: (looks around the obviously-empty shop) Um – I was wondering if you had a copy of 7th Continent; I hear it’s very good!

Cashier: 38% irrelevant as to whether it’s good or not, 33% inaccurate because it’s called “The 7th Continent”. And: “No”, we don’t have any retail copies.

Customer: Oh, bugger; that’s disappointing.

Cashier: I am issuing you with an official warning for profanity; please do not reply to me directly but you may contest the warning with the Manager.

Customer: What?

(the cashier, stoney-faced, stares silently back at the customer)

Customer: Can I pre-order 7th Continent, then?

Cashier: 88% unclear: I cannot make out any details of a preferred timescale. And you've missed out the 'The' again.

Customer: (peeved) Look, mate, I’d like to pre-order (interrupting himself) – paying a 10 percent down payment on – a retail copy of THE 7th Continent – published by Serious Poulp – giving you advanced notice of up to 3 months after which –if still unavailable - I’d like the pre-order to be cancelled and my deposit refunded. Within 30 days.

(the customer pauses, mildly-triumphant)

Cashier: (makes to reach under the counter; there is an interminable pause) One –

Customer: - Yes?

Cashier: - hundred percent –

Customer: - Yes? Yes?

Cashier: (slams hand down hard on the counter) – INCORRECT because The 7th Continent is a Kickstarter-only item and not (yet) available in retail; consequently, your order has been refused! (pulls air to punctuate the sentence) Additionally, we are not 'mates'.

Customer: (angry) You bloody imbecile!

Cashier: (interrupting) This establishment will not tolerate personal attacks and you have been served with a 30 day ban; you will be unable to enter this shop during that period or interact with it’s staff and/or products in any way. The ban is effective immediately.

Customer: Wha?

(the cashier leads the customer to the door, opens it for him and waits until he walks through)

Customer: This is an outrage!

Cashier: Thanks for understanding (closes the door and returns to his position behind the counter)

(the telephone rings)

Cashier: (picking up) Good afternoon?

Voice on Phone: (audible but tinny) Good afternoon – is that “Friendly Cards & Hobby Games”?

Cashier: Only a 60% match: rejected (puts the phone down). Rules are rules, after all.
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6 Comments
Thu Sep 14, 2017 6:23 am
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FLGS 39 (Interrupt)

Anthony Boydell
United Kingdom
Newent. Glos
Unspecified
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Every homo sapiens needs an outbuilding within the curtelage of their property
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Door: *ding-a-ling-a-dong ding dong ding*

Cashier: (he is watching a woodlouse crawling slowly across the desk - a Carcassonne meeple is balanced on it’s segmented, chitinous back – and muttering) Go on, my beauty!

Customer: Good morn-

Cashier: (looks up and interrupts) Oh good morning, Sir!

Customer: -ing, shop-

Cashier: (continuing) How can I help?

Customer: -keeper. Um…

(there is an awkward pause)

Customer: Er, yes; I was wondering if you had a copy of King-

Cashier: (jumping in) King of Tokyo?

Customer: No, er, King -

Cashier: King Brick?

Customer: No, um, King -

Cashier: ‘King get to the point?

Customer: Kingdomino

Cashier: Kingdomino?

Customer: Yes; the game that’s just won –

Cashier: (jumping in) of a series like those Escape room games?

Customer: No, just won –

Cashier: - tired Euro mechanic after another?

Customer: No, just won –

Cashier: - derful?

Customer: Just won the Spiel des Jahres!

Cashier: Oh.

Customer: Have you got it?

Cashier: No. Sorry. Was there anything else I could help you with?

Customer: Well, I was hoping I might pick up –

Cashier: (interrupting) – the local radio station?

Customer: No, pick up –

Cashier: - a penguin? (points to a display of chocolate bars and biscuits)

Customer: No, pick up –

Cashier: - a pretty, young gentleman to spend the evening with?

Customer: Pick up something else.

Cashier: Oh.

Customer: Can you recommend anything?

Cashier: (glances down at the woodlouse) Not really, no. You see: I don’t normally work here. I’m just standing in –

Customer: (interrupts) – the local by-election?

Cashier: No, standing in –

Customer:– a pool of your own urine?

Cashier: No, standing in –

Customer: – “Stan Dingin”? That’s your name: Stan Dingin?

Cashier: No, standing in for a friend.

Customer: Oh. Well, in that case, I think I’ll go somewhere else (he leaves)

Cashier: Fair –

Customer: - Enough?

Cashier: No. Fair cough then, yuh bastud.
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Wed Aug 23, 2017 6:30 am
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Minnellium 2000!

Anthony Boydell
United Kingdom
Newent. Glos
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Every homo sapiens needs an outbuilding within the curtelage of their property
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Click [Play] and...




It hardly seems like three years since I crossed the magic 1000 posts line only, now, to find myself - chest thrust out against the shiny tape - pressing home the 2000! Only one other BGG blog has been this way before me and that's Eric's BGG News which had a head start, to be fair (but I'm catching him albeit very slowly).

Qn. Is there anyone who's been with me since the beginning*

I've laughed, cried, ranted, travelogued, designed (and designer diary-ed), japed, "session reported", surreal-ed, rumoured and generally muscled my way in to your mornings (or your last thing at nights) since 2011 and yet I still can't get any love from The Geek Weekly! I get (much) love from you folks, though, and that's the (second) best kind of Love of all.

Qn. Why don't people thumb humorous posts with Polls/Quizzes in?



Just like when its one's birthday on a work day, it is I who have brought along some treats!

First up, for those of you who are still having - or who just got the game and are about to have - problems with Guilds of London's iconography, I've done a couple of helpful markup sheets. Simply print on to A4 sized labels, cut out and then affix to the bottom of each card before sheathing in the branded sleeve of your choice:




(If my GoL expansion ever sees the light of day, I'll be sure and get these done on transparent, sticky plastic)




Qn. What is your favourite post evva?

Secondly, I have been awfully selfish in my persistent banging on about "having a shed" (and the need thereof/therein/wheretofore), so I've made some up for Snowdonia and they come in a variety of first-come first-served flavours:


Costs are varying (there is no defined order, just choose the one you want). Your 3rd worker costs 1 coal, but if you pay an extra coal you get your 3rd worker AND you may take a contract card from the selection - if you do take a card, replace it immediately from the top of the deck. During train maintenance you must discard a contract card you possess or lose the train Shed.




Finally, here's a special edition from Boydell's FLGS:

Quote:

(we are in a FLGS; you can tell because it smells of stale farts and pizza dough even though you’re just reading a description of it on-screen. There are a variety of new releases in the display window along with a sign that says: “Don’t ask because we don’t have: Gloomhaven, any 7 Wonders Dual promos, that game with the ‘tits’ in).”. The cashier is stood behind the counter trying to release his hand from the counter-top, to which it has been stapled)

Doorbell: Ding-dong-dong-ding. Dong-ding-ding-dong.

Customer: (brushing dry leaves from his shoulders) Good afternoon.

Cashier: (looking up; covers stuck hand with a tea-towel) Ah, yes. Good afternoon, Sir! Can I help at all?

Customer: (chuckling, he takes a piece of folded paper from his breast pocket and opens it) Yes, indeed; I very much hope so! Do you have...Whorer Et Labora?

Cashier: Do you mean Ora Et Labora...by Uwe Rosenberg?

Customer: No, I mean Whorer Et Labora by Duvet Rosenbonk. It's about building and running a place of ill-repute.

Cashier: We haven't got any games by Duvet Rosenbonk

Customer: It's about placing your workers in to empty action slots...mostly.

Cashier: That's as may be, sir, but we don't have it.

Customer: You must have heard of Fields of Arse?

Cashier: No, sir.

Customer: A Fist for Odin? (the cashier glares at the customer) - I see. How about games by Richard Breese?

Cashier: Why, yes, we DO have games by him.

Customer: Deflower?

Cashier: Key-flower, sir.

Customer: No, Deflower. Or Inhabit My Berth?

Cashier: (confused) How are you spelling "Breese", sir?

Customer: B - R - I - E - F - S. The 'F' is silent.

Cashier: (annoyed) Of course it is.

Customer: (looks at list again) I'll try another des-

Cashier: (catching on) Before you ask, "sir", we don't have any games by "Stiff 'un" Feld or Anal R. Moon or Ign-arse-y Trevijerk or Reiner Ker-tits-ia or Alexander Fister or Phil Wanker-Harding or -

Customer: (interrupting) Eric Wang?

Cashier: (fed up) No, sir; and now I am going to have to ask you to leave -

(the cashier tries to walk around the counter but his hand his still stuck to the countertop; he tugs extra hard and the hand is freed - the staple pings off and hits the doorbell)

Doorbell: ting!

Customer: Wait! Wait, I want to buy -

Cashier: (hustling the customer toward the door) Out!

Customer: Tony Boydell?

Cashier: What? (he pauses his pushing)

Customer: Tony Boydell - do you have any games by Tony Boydell?

Cashier: Not "Boney Toydell"? Not "Tony Bordello"?

Customer: No.

Cashier: (dusts himself off; notices there is a huge hole in the middle of his staple-less hand) Er...well I've got a copy of (reaches down to pick something up and shows it to the customer) this?


PAUSE

Question: What game did he show the customer?**





So, there you have it: two bloody thousand posts***.

-phew-

Can I stop yet?

*excluding anyone who has died or been imprisoned, naturally.
**there shall be a prize for the best answer
***Of course, I'm expecting peeps to thumb the 'flip' out of this post!
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43 Comments
Tue Jul 11, 2017 6:05 am
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