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Every Man Needs A Shed

Life and Games (but mostly games) from Tony Boydell: Dad, Husband and Independent UK Game Designer, Agricola fanboy and jealous admirer of Carl Chudyk. www.surprisedstaregames.co.uk

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Ludocide!

Anthony Boydell
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(Today's blog is brought to you from Shite Games and their new Party Game for Christmas: Just a Cotton-Pickin Minute! The Game of Half-Baked Arguments! In HBA, players draw subject cards and must speak on the side of that subject for 60 seconds while avoiding stringing together an even slightly-coherent/salient point; those that do can be 'buzzed out' and the subject taken over by the buzzer!)

We Are Murderers!



For a community that professes to be enthusiastic, appreciative, supportive and loyal, we are killing our hobby
zombie Dead! zombie

We’re killing games before we play them:

Hype Hypertension: The "I Am Not A Sheep" Excuse
"I'll be damned if I'm gonna jump on the bandwagon with everyone else; I'm a leader not a follower!".
The sheer nose-severing/face-spitedness of this buffoonish position is breath-taking; it's perfectly fine to be part of a wider community of appreciation. Stop being an elitist prick.

zombie Dead! zombie

Hype Hypertension: The Irritable Buyer Syndrome
The ubiquity of a game on Social Media/the Internets begins to grind your gears; it's everywhere and all of the time and you shall not stand for it.
Over-saturation can be a turn-off, yes, but – conversely - the howl of indignation is equally loud when great games are under-sold and become hard to get hold of; is there a happy medium? “No” is the quick, easy answer, so stop getting quite so ragged.

zombie Dead! zombie

Hype Hypertension: The Upside Down
If so many people are saying it's great then it must be, in fact, the opposite! This is because the rest of the community is on a singular mission to dupe their fellows and me, in particular!
We’ve all got a lot more on, to be honest.

zombie Dead! zombie

”I don't like the presentation/artwork/design aesthetic!”.
Liver casserole looks revolting but tastes like Heaven; {Insert Name of Miniature-Heavy Kickstarter GeekPorn Here} looks like a million dollars but is, in fact, a foetid pool of lumpen arse-gravy. And just because Aquasphere looks like a vomit splat doesn’t mean it’s nauseating (not when the mechanisms and processes themselves do that instead).

zombie Dead! zombie

*whine* *whinge* "They’re too expensive!" *grumble* *moan*
What you mean to say is “They cost more than I’m willing to pay”, which is a different thing entirely.

zombie Dead! zombie

"Wahh! Kickstarter is destroying the industry!"
No. It's. Not.

We’re killing games while we play them:

The rulebook is either too big, too small, too brief, too long-winded or just 'bad' (no further justification is given); the tsunami of 'rules clarification' threads on BGG is further evidence of a general malaise in game literature.
Opinions about rulebooks (and the thread issue) is, in fact, clear evidence of a growing laziness in gamers to read the paperwork in front of them and then blame anyone and everyone else when it all goes ‘tits’. It gets even worse when threads are started to clarify rules that were previously-clarified in other threads that, in turn, pointed to a perfectly clear section of the original rulebook.

zombie Dead! zombie

It's explained poorly and/or incompletely by your game teacher; we don’t play the game as designed and/or we just all play it wrong.
We should rely less on ‘teachers’ and do more research/background reading ourselves. Just because ‘Person X’ neglected to explain the Science rules in 7 Wonders doesn’t make 7 Wonders an appalling failure of a game (a purely-hypothetical example). Oh, and it's YOUR fault if you miss/miss-play/mis-read a rule and no-one elses PERIOD.

zombie Dead! zombie

I don't grasp the intentions/subtleties/mechanisms immediately (or at all); if I can't grok everything the first time around then, frankly, I must move on...
Not everything is – or should be – immediately apparent. A banquet is more delicious served in courses than in one, huge, table-groaning dump.

zombie Dead! zombie

I didn’t win the first play so I don't like it (for extra points add "It must be broken", "It's a game of total luck" and/or "The icons are unclear").
Grow the fuck up and stop sulking, you big baby.

zombie Dead! zombie

I have other things on my mind so I am not giving it my full attention.
Give it your full attention NEXT TIME...and that means accepting you are at fault (and not the game) and giving it a next time!

zombie Dead! zombie

We’re killing games AFTER we play them:

Great reviews of Terrible Games
(cue: the sound of cash tills a-ringin')

zombie Dead! zombie

Terrible reviews of Great Games
(see all the reasons above)

zombie Dead! zombie

Standalone unboxing videos
(?Why?)

zombie Dead! zombie

I Rest (In Peace) My Case.
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Fri Nov 24, 2017 9:46 am
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...and another thing...

Anthony Boydell
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Day Two of ‘scribbling difficulties’ and I find myself in a branch of Subway in Cardiff and assailed by a server who (it subsequently seems) has not had a good day so far:

Tony: (cheerily, despite low blood sugar) “A foot-long Italian Meatball sub with extra cheese on Italian Herb bread, please”

Assistant: (as if I’d called her a fat cow) “We don't have Italian Herb bread; we have Italian Bread OR Italian Herb & Cheese bread?”

Tony: “Er…herb and che-“

Assistant: “We don’t have Italian meatballs…”

Tony: (hungry and befuddled) “Um – you have meatballs though, right?”

Assistant: “Yes. But it’s called Meatball Marinara”

Tony: (thinks to himself)I’ve been coming to Subway for 15 years and it used to be called an “Italian Meatball Sub

Assistant: (fed up that this is taking so long ie. about three elapsed seconds) “So. Is it Meatball Marinara you want?”

Tony: “Yes please. With extra cheese, please.”

Assistant: (NOT adding the extra cheese) “Toasted?”

Tony: “Yes please. With extra cheese.”

(The assistant sighs audibly. I wander over to the drinks cabinet which is, confusingly, NOT by the counter but right next to the front door)

Cashier: (calling out) “Excuse me! Are you going to pay?”

Tony: “I’m just getting a drink – “

Cashier & Assistant: (simultaneously, angrily – after all this has now taken about 90 seconds) “Do you want any salad?!”

Tony: “Yes please.”

The sub is warm in my hands and my cheeks are flushed with embarrassment and a growing rage: corrected on my mis-speaking and accused of attempted thievery when all I wanted was a meat roll and a peach tea!

What the actual, strawberry-scented, reduced sugar, two-for-the-price-of-one fuck?!
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Thu Nov 16, 2017 4:07 pm
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Swirling in the Heavens

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I was recently put on to a new podcast by, incestuously, a different podcast and it's been a bit of an addiction these last few weeks; just like when I first discovered 'Perfect Information' or 'Heavy Cardboard', I've been rootling through the iTunes archives and digesting as much as possible.

It's not board game-related but, instead, is a fiery and ferocious mix of politics, rage, improvisation, obituaries and raw emotion that carries you along with its eloquence, wit and zeal:



I suggest you start with the most recent episode ("Curries") and, perhaps, the one with the Jerry Lewis retrospective ("Deans"); it's very, VERY fine work indeed.
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Sun Oct 1, 2017 6:20 am
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Comical

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Saturday dawned clear (if not entirely bright) and I blearily shambled to the kitchen to make the wake-up drinks; the plan was for 'us boys' to nip in to Gloucester to visit Comic Con 2017 and then sweep up a quick visit to the Newent Onion Fayre on the return journey.

Stage One:
I parked up and (optimistically, it turned out) paid for the whole day then we walked across a busy late AM city centre to the Stadium venue. The 'Stadium' sounds very grand indeed but, in reality, GCC2017 comprised two thin 400yard conference-room corridors squashed with 100 or so vendors who - in an embarrassing retailer equivalent of turning up wearing the same dress as someone else at a cocktail party - all sold the same selection of TCGs, Alien figurines, Power Ranger/Doctor Who/Star Wars figures and superhero-themed paraphernalia. The occasional Walking Dead 'print' and several tables of artists hawking their wares provided the merest smear of variety but, overall, if you didn't like The Joker or Harley Quinn you were in for a massive disappointment. One might argue that the wide array of oversized pushchairs and people just stopping dead-in-their-tracks to block the thoroughfare lent an air of risk/danger but it's an argument that's gonna get you laughed out of the building. At least we could rely on that Comic Con staple: the Cosplayers! Yes, indeed, it seems that Dramione is all the rage in the region; that and Spiderman who, alarmingly, came in a variety of tall/short/thin/fat/adult/child/infant forms (often exciting multiple combinations from that list). I'll not dignify the squad of Imperial Stormtroopers with a mention: those effers are like rats...you're never more than six feet from a cosplayer dressed up as a bloody stormtrooper. C*nts.


(clockwise from top left) RT-B5 meets R2-D2; crystal clear vision; the obligatory Dalek; he is "Groot", apparently; a few short minutes before nausea, shouting and regret; Seymour has obliged the request for sustenance; a mint condition (and coloured) classic Rover (apropos of nothing, it's just a cool thing)


Arthur had a nice time (that's only because he found himself £25 worth of Transformer for £15) but the rest of it was a crowded, meat-odoured anti-climax. With all the fun of the event now firmly squeezed - and thirty quid out-of-pocket for 4 pasties and 4 drinks - we retrieved the car from it's pissaroma multi-storey and drove home.

Stage Two:
Warm sun on our backs, we wandered in to Newent to browse the streets filled with stalls; yes, it was pretty much an outdoors version of Comic Con but with considerably less 'Batman'. I managed to source some Candyfloss for Mrs B and promised my youngest a go on one of the fairground rides before nipping (smartly) home. Arthur choose 'The Extreme' (see pics) and we were subjected to a long, full five minutes of spinning, harness-straining upside-down suspension and eye-bleeding centripetal pressure before staggering back in to the milieu; as soon as we'd wobbled through the Exit gate, the Heavens opened with a crash and pissed a month's worth of rain on to the crowd in 5 minutes. It was hardly Harvey or Irma but, by the time we'd jogged to Casa Boydella, Arthur and I were both entirely soaked-and-shivering:


Wetter than an otter's pocket!


Thankfully, the day didn't end on that bedraggled note; we saw the evening in with hot chocolate and the breathtaking Kubo and the Two Strings - there was nothing comical about THAT.
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Mon Sep 11, 2017 6:15 am
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"If the crowd are behind you, you're facing the wrong way"

Anthony Boydell
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(the quote is from renowned UK comic Simon Munnery; also this post contains pomposity, ill-formed argument and wild generalization in the hope of creating a whirlwind of controversy)

There is much talk, nowadays, of innovation in gaming; the desire, so we are told, is for new and interesting departures from the norm - for the never-before-seen. The old ways are done with; we're in the 21st century and must cast aside childish things; designers should not seek the instant approval of our audience but, instead, confound and challenge them at every turn.



This is scalding horsewater of the yellowest hue because Pandemic Legacy is just Pandemic with permanent marker pens and a 1960s sci-fi plot; 'Exit' et al are just The Adventure Game in a box and anything with an App is Electronic Detective*.

We don't desire (or deserve) innovation, we only THINK we do when - in fact - we just want more of the same of what we know we like as quickly (and regularly) as possible thank you very much.

Familiar,
re-purposed,
re-visited,
re-worked and
re-booted are the true order of the day; everything else is aspirational, pseudo-intellectual hogwash.

Concept cars always look great and exciting but you can't get a week's shopping for a family of 7 in to one of them; this similarly applies to the "groundbreaking"/"revolutionary" Magic Maze - the box is too small, you see, and the condensation from the refrigerated goods always makes the cardboard soggy.

I seem to have wandered off the point, somewhat, so rage hard in the comments section then go about your business. Thanks.

*a friend and I wrote a version of this on his Dad's Commodore Pet 80 (in 1980, oddly), printed it all off and typed it in to the school's Pet 40. It never ran properly after that, so we just went on to the playing fields for 30-a-side football.
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Thu Jul 20, 2017 9:20 am
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Minnellium 2000!

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Click [Play] and...




It hardly seems like three years since I crossed the magic 1000 posts line only, now, to find myself - chest thrust out against the shiny tape - pressing home the 2000! Only one other BGG blog has been this way before me and that's Eric's BGG News which had a head start, to be fair (but I'm catching him albeit very slowly).

Qn. Is there anyone who's been with me since the beginning*

I've laughed, cried, ranted, travelogued, designed (and designer diary-ed), japed, "session reported", surreal-ed, rumoured and generally muscled my way in to your mornings (or your last thing at nights) since 2011 and yet I still can't get any love from The Geek Weekly! I get (much) love from you folks, though, and that's the (second) best kind of Love of all.

Qn. Why don't people thumb humorous posts with Polls/Quizzes in?



Just like when its one's birthday on a work day, it is I who have brought along some treats!

First up, for those of you who are still having - or who just got the game and are about to have - problems with Guilds of London's iconography, I've done a couple of helpful markup sheets. Simply print on to A4 sized labels, cut out and then affix to the bottom of each card before sheathing in the branded sleeve of your choice:




(If my GoL expansion ever sees the light of day, I'll be sure and get these done on transparent, sticky plastic)




Qn. What is your favourite post evva?

Secondly, I have been awfully selfish in my persistent banging on about "having a shed" (and the need thereof/therein/wheretofore), so I've made some up for Snowdonia and they come in a variety of first-come first-served flavours:


Costs are varying (there is no defined order, just choose the one you want). Your 3rd worker costs 1 coal, but if you pay an extra coal you get your 3rd worker AND you may take a contract card from the selection - if you do take a card, replace it immediately from the top of the deck. During train maintenance you must discard a contract card you possess or lose the train Shed.




Finally, here's a special edition from Boydell's FLGS:

Quote:

(we are in a FLGS; you can tell because it smells of stale farts and pizza dough even though you’re just reading a description of it on-screen. There are a variety of new releases in the display window along with a sign that says: “Don’t ask because we don’t have: Gloomhaven, any 7 Wonders Dual promos, that game with the ‘tits’ in).”. The cashier is stood behind the counter trying to release his hand from the counter-top, to which it has been stapled)

Doorbell: Ding-dong-dong-ding. Dong-ding-ding-dong.

Customer: (brushing dry leaves from his shoulders) Good afternoon.

Cashier: (looking up; covers stuck hand with a tea-towel) Ah, yes. Good afternoon, Sir! Can I help at all?

Customer: (chuckling, he takes a piece of folded paper from his breast pocket and opens it) Yes, indeed; I very much hope so! Do you have...Whorer Et Labora?

Cashier: Do you mean Ora Et Labora...by Uwe Rosenberg?

Customer: No, I mean Whorer Et Labora by Duvet Rosenbonk. It's about building and running a place of ill-repute.

Cashier: We haven't got any games by Duvet Rosenbonk

Customer: It's about placing your workers in to empty action slots...mostly.

Cashier: That's as may be, sir, but we don't have it.

Customer: You must have heard of Fields of Arse?

Cashier: No, sir.

Customer: A Fist for Odin? (the cashier glares at the customer) - I see. How about games by Richard Breese?

Cashier: Why, yes, we DO have games by him.

Customer: Deflower?

Cashier: Key-flower, sir.

Customer: No, Deflower. Or Inhabit My Berth?

Cashier: (confused) How are you spelling "Breese", sir?

Customer: B - R - I - E - F - S. The 'F' is silent.

Cashier: (annoyed) Of course it is.

Customer: (looks at list again) I'll try another des-

Cashier: (catching on) Before you ask, "sir", we don't have any games by "Stiff 'un" Feld or Anal R. Moon or Ign-arse-y Trevijerk or Reiner Ker-tits-ia or Alexander Fister or Phil Wanker-Harding or -

Customer: (interrupting) Eric Wang?

Cashier: (fed up) No, sir; and now I am going to have to ask you to leave -

(the cashier tries to walk around the counter but his hand his still stuck to the countertop; he tugs extra hard and the hand is freed - the staple pings off and hits the doorbell)

Doorbell: ting!

Customer: Wait! Wait, I want to buy -

Cashier: (hustling the customer toward the door) Out!

Customer: Tony Boydell?

Cashier: What? (he pauses his pushing)

Customer: Tony Boydell - do you have any games by Tony Boydell?

Cashier: Not "Boney Toydell"? Not "Tony Bordello"?

Customer: No.

Cashier: (dusts himself off; notices there is a huge hole in the middle of his staple-less hand) Er...well I've got a copy of (reaches down to pick something up and shows it to the customer) this?


PAUSE

Question: What game did he show the customer?**





So, there you have it: two bloody thousand posts***.

-phew-

Can I stop yet?

*excluding anyone who has died or been imprisoned, naturally.
**there shall be a prize for the best answer
***Of course, I'm expecting peeps to thumb the 'flip' out of this post!
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Tue Jul 11, 2017 6:05 am
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I seem to be having tremendous difficulty with my lifestyle

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Fri Jun 23, 2017 11:11 am
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Whattheactualheck?

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Read this, please:

https://www.boardgamegeek.com/thread/1797551/polite-negative...

Okay?

Now please tick one of the following:

Poll: The OP making the 'polite negative feedback' is...
The OP who made the 'polite negative feedback' is:
Not polite in the slightest and should be beaten with rotten celery until penitential
Not polite in the slightest and obviously having a pop at the Publishers for their own twisted, bitter reasons
Not polite in the slightest and should be forced to play Splendor until their eyes bleed
Not polite in the slightest and, frankly, I'm disappointed you didn't do more cussing Tony
Obligatory alternative option.
      194 answers
Poll created by tonyboydell


Good day to you...

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Sun Jun 18, 2017 9:03 am
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That thing...

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...didn't go the way we'd hoped/expected; we're angry, sad and confused. It's tough to see the lighter side of life at the moment but we're all in one piece, at least.
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Thu Jun 15, 2017 8:53 pm
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Don't Bring Me Down

Anthony Boydell
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(posts to social media)
Hey everyone! I played {insert name and picture of new hotness here} last night and it was really enjoyable - an excellent first impression!

(cue: [Reply]s)
i) I've heard it's crap from a mate who read something on a Reddit thread sometime so it doesn't interest me...ergo it's crap.

ii) I've got a copy but not played it yet - should I sell it before I take it out of the shrink?

iii) It's a Kickstarter product...ergo it's crap.

iv) I haven't played it but I don't think it's as a good as {insert name of other game here}...ergo it's crap.

v) The theme is pasted on...ergo it's crap.

vi) It looks like a bunch of the "usual mechanics"...ergo it's crap.

vii) I missed out on the campaign, feel insanely jealous but can't possible let this show...ergo it's crap.

viii) I had a bad experience on the forums with a bloke who once worked for the company that made it...ergo it's crap.

ix) Too many people are saying it's good...ergo it must be really crap.

x) I don't like you (the OP)...ergo it's crap.

xi) It doesn't come with sculpts or minis...you get the idea by now.

Somewhere, amid the resulting 100+ replies, someone will agree/empathize with the warm fuzzy delight/positive vibes of the original post but you'll be hard pressed to find it. Ergo. It's. Crap.

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Sun May 21, 2017 6:30 am
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