Diane Close
United States
Twin Cities
Minnesota
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I bought Doom a few weeks ago, when it was on clearance at Barnes and Noble. My husband loves computer shooter games, and I thought he might be interested in this board-based alternative. He’s been reading the rules on and off for the past couple days and last night around 8 pm, after a very long day, he announces that he wants to try out the game.

I tell him he’s crazy, it’s late, I’m tired and the game will take too long to play. He says that he just wants to get started, try things out, do a tiny bit of the much shorter online first scenario.

Okay, fine, let’s try it and see what happens.

Because of our unfamiliarity with all the pieces, it takes a while before the game is ready to be underway. My husband finally gets enough of the floor plan built and announces that I’m playing a marine and he’s playing the invaders.

I pick the green marine with the brain slug (leftover sprue bit stuck firmly to the side of his head). That way if I lose I have a ready excuse, “Hey, he was trying to fight while having his brains sucked out of his head! What do you expect?”

I draw three cards: medic, recon and ground assault. The latter two look good, giving me the ability to move through most solid objects and to shoot more times than normal. So far, so good.

For my first amazing move, I choose “advance”, so I move four spaces and attack. I come face to face with two spiders!

“Those are Trites,” says my husband.

I reply, “Look, if you want me to kill them, they’re spiders!” Spiders at our house know better than to show their faces around me!

I shoot at one of the spiders and score a decisive hit! My husband reaches to remove the dead bug from the board.

“No, leave it!”, I say, and turn my trophy upside down indicating that it’s dead. “I want to bask in the glory of this moment. I want the evidence of my kill to be there for all to see!” It's a spider after all!

Now it’s the invader’s turn. My husband moves the other spider in to range and attacks me. He does 2 damage, which I easily laugh off.

It’s my turn again. I go to draw more cards and am informed that’s all the cards I get! What? That’s not fair! The invader gets a whole deck but I have to stick with the three cards I drew at the beginning? Grumble, grumble...

Fine! Then forget about attacking the other spider, I’m going to sprint for the door, grabbing those funny-looking tackle boxes in my way. After all, you never know when you might need to do a bit of fishing when you’re monster hunting!

My husband coolly informs me that those are boxes of grenades. “Whatever,” I shove open the door as the last part of my turn.

“Okay, wait a sec. I have to set up the new room.” My husband starts digging through a zillion parts, slowly placing the new barriers, weapons and monsters.

“Uhm, maybe we should continue this tomorrow? I’m pretty tired,” I tell him.

“It’ll just be a few more seconds,” he replies.

Finally he’s done and his turn begins. Fortunately for me, there are no monsters in line of sight of me in this room, so my husband attacks with his remaining spider and misses.

I enter the new room and sprint to grab another tackle box. My husband spawns a vicious dog, and we have a brief discussion about whether it’s legal for the marine to tame the animal as a pet instead of shooting it. I’m afraid this option isn’t in the rule book, so I opt for a “ground assault” and blow it and the spider next to it away.

My husband spawns a monster that looks like Oliver Hardy crossed with an elephant. “Hand me a Mancubus,” he says.

“A what? Oh, you mean one of those squat figures with lipstick tubes for arms?”

My husband rolls his eyes. He uses a smash card to remove one of the barriers on the floor, giving the Mancubus room to move and line of sight to spot me.

I’m getting pretty tired and suggest we’ve done enough for tonight.

“Just one more battle,” says my husband, “I need just one more battle to get the hang of this, then we can quit and continue tomorrow.”

I lean back while he sets up more of the floor plan.

I look around the room and spot the cans of coke in the corner. Good! I could use some caffeine, and the sugar energy would be nice too. I run and grab them and to my surprise lying right beside them is a rifle! Finally, I’m starting to get some good weapons!

The Mancubus comes around the corner, looking too funny holding those lipsticks and now sporting a lovely flowered hat. “Come give your Grandma a great big kiss,” it hisses.

I unload my rifle into the Mancubus, and drink some of the coke for energy. The rifle shots slow it down and I sprint for the door at the back of the room.

“Oxygen will run out in ten minutes,” announces a friendly voice over the loud speaker.

I reach the door and am happy to see another six pack of coke and also a keg of beer! I can probably use the keg against the monsters, so I grab it too. I shove open the door just as more spiders and some skeletons are rising from the mists on the floor. Good thing I have my rifle, but I’m running low on ammo!

Just inside the door, in the next room, is a fully loaded plasma gun! I’m in luck! I grab it and move into the next room, blasting as I go, mowing down the skeleton zombies.

“Oxygen will run out in five minutes.”

Darn! This is getting serious! I’d better find the way out of here soon or I’m toast! I move along the floor, barely avoiding a disguised teleporter.

“Victoria’s Secret will close in three minutes.” announces the loudspeaker.

What? Where am I? I look around and recognize the mall, and there’s the neon pink glow of the Victoria’s Secret store across the way. Between me and it are a whole sea of monsters. I’m temporarily shielded from view by the mall’s gothic columns, but it won’t be too long before I’m spotted.

“Victoria’s Secret will close in two minutes. This is the last day to use the free panty coupon.”

No way! I was sure I had another week to use that coupon! I fumble around in my armor’s pockets. With all this equipment on it’s hard to find anything! I manage to locate the coupon. It’s good only until today’s date! Oh crap! I check my watch – it’s almost 9 pm! The store will close at any moment!

“Victoria’s Secret will close in one minute. All coupons are invalid after today.”

That does it! No monsters are coming between me and a great deal! I want my free panty! I need to think and move fast! My ammo is running low, though I do have the plasma gun, but I need another diversion. It’s time to sacrifice that coke!

I shake up the two six packs and leap into the open, lobbing exploding soda cans as I go. The floor is getting so slippery with all the cola liquid flying everywhere. Some of the monsters are getting bogged down by the mess. I start plasma gun blasting away at the rest.

“Victoria’s Secret will close in 30 seconds. Last chance to use your coupon!”

Oh no, I can see the chain link door starting to descend. I’m gonna have to give it my all and just sprint for it! I can feel the hot monster breath on my neck as I make one last push for the store. I need something more. I'm not going to make it!

I shove the beer keg towards the monsters and blast it with my plasma gun. It explodes in a huge ball of beer foam and carbon dioxide gas. The resulting blast knocks me off my feet and sends me flying towards the descending gate, pushing me that last little bit I need...

And I’m in! I made it! I grab my free panty and hold it victoriously over my head, yelling with delight! “Ha, take that monsters! I rule! I won! Nothing gets between me and a bargain!”

“Ma’am? Ma’am! What are you saying? What are you doing?”

I hear the voice of a clerk in the background, only it sounds strangely familiar.

“Sweetie? Sweetie are you dreaming? What’s going on?”

The fog slowly lifts. I’m back in my own room. The monsters are gone. I glance over by the phone and see that I still have my Victoria’s Secret free panty coupon. It was all a dream. The coupon is still good for another few days. I’m fine. I didn’t miss the sale.

I start to chuckle and explain what happened to my husband. He laughs and says, “Boy, that will make one interesting session report!”

He goes on to say that I may inspire another level of Doom gameplay. Instead of “capture the flag” it’ll be “Doom panty raid”!

Hey, if you want to play Doom like a girl, that’s okay with me. I, on the other hand, have a real game to finish – now I have a reason for winning!



-----

Edit April 4, 2007: I've just been informed that this session report has won two awards! Wow, I didn't even know it was nominated! Thanks guys! Both are courtesy of Gone Gaming:

Best session report 2006 & best humorous article 2006! Woo hoo! surprise



Various edits for adding links and photos, correcting typos, and adapting to Aldie's various code changes.
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Toby Falconer
New Zealand
Katikati
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He heh, nice one

Good ol' Brain Slugs, gets ya every time...
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yegods
United States
Campbell
CA
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wow... that turned WEIRD
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Denise Lavely
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Carmel
Indiana
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ROFL!!! Great session report!!

Y'know, I thought Mall World would be more like this session report than what it is....
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Dane Peacock
United States
Stansbury Park
Utah
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That tickles
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This could be the best...session report...ever!
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United States
New York
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Who knew they gave out free panties at vickies? I didnt...
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Samuel Sol
Brazil
São Paulo
SP
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All engines full to awesome land!
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*tap* *tap* Is this thing on?
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thedude05 wrote:
Who knew they gave out free panties at vickies? I didnt...


yeah, need one of those to grab some things for my gf.
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Shawn Baldwin
United States
Daytona
Florida
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To Do List: 1. Eat 2. Workout 3. Be Amazing
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Three years later and still not funny!

To each his own.
 
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