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Joe Gola
United States
Redding
Connecticut
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The following is a translation of an ancient Egyptian text found in a crude clay pot buried long, long ago on the banks of the Nile. Carbon dating of the ink on the papyrus indicates that this was written sometime in the neighborhood of August 8, 2004 B.C., possibly at 3:15 in the afternoon.


I

In the land of Nile there were once five Great Men; and they said, "we shall build pyramids to bring glory and praise unto ourselves." The names of the five were Akhenaten Lee, Eric Ahmose, Josh Imhotep, Martin Roachmotep, and Gola-hap-shet.

Gola-hap-shet was the handsomest and most virile of the Great Men, and the favorite of the god Amun-Re. And Gola said unto Amun-Re "I shall sacrifice starlings and asses' milk to you, so that you will make my crops grow great and so that my women shall be fertile."

And the great god Amun-Re said unto Gola, "you do that."

And Gola-hap-shet bought a nice piece of land, one with two temples to the great god Amun-Re, and onto it he built a pyramid, and he coaxed the farmers into the field and did bid them plow.

His neighbor, Martin, built an equally great pyramid right next door, but he kept a broken chariot out in the yard, and he did not clip the reeds by the pyramid. The whole place looked like a pig sty, and Gola was ashamed to be his neighbor.

And at the time of harvest Gola-hap-shet sacrificed unto the god the starlings and asses' milk he had promised. But two of the other four Great Men were camel traders and cared not for crops, and a third was greedy for riches, and they did steal Gola's sacrifice, and the crop was crummy.

Gola-hap-shet then bought another piece of land, and he built a pyramid next to the first, and he coaxed more farmers into the field and did bid them plow. And Martin built another pyramid also, and this one was shabbier than the first. And at the time of harvest Gola sacrificed unto his god more starlings and his best asses' milk, and again the camel-herders stole his sacrifice, and again the crop was crummy.

Gola-hap-shet then bought his last piece of land, and the god Amun-Re spoke to him once more. "Gola-hap-shet, I bid you to buy land that has nine action cards, and you shall hire nine farmers to till your fields; if you do this for me I shall shower you with glory, but if you do not I shall smite you."

And Gola said unto Amun-Re "you are a day late and a dollar short, for I have already bought all the land I can own and there are not enough farms for nine farmers to till, and let's not even get started with the power cards."

And Amun-Re said unto Gola, "then you shall tell your grandchildren to do this for me, or I will smite them mightily, and knock down their houses, and slap their children."

And Gola said "I will tell them this thing."

And at the end of his days the Great Man Gola-hap-shet made a wondrous offering to Amun-Re, with more starlings and with sweeter asses' milk than he had ever done before; and, even though the camel traders stole from the offering, it was still pleasing to the god, and Gola got six points for his temples.

And the great God Amun-Re said unto Gola "for your devotion, I shall grant you three wishes."

And Gola thought long and hard, and he said to the God: "I would like three bricks with which to build another pyramid, so that I will have as many as Martin, and I shall be as great as he."

And the great God Amun-Re granted this wish, and Gola had as many pyramids as Martin, and equal glory. And Gola threw radishes at Martin's shabby pyramids, and put party hats on his mummies, and he did crap in Martin's weaving-hut. And Martin said "who has done this thing?" and he did go over to Gola's pyramid and knock on the door in anger, but Gola stayed inside and pretended not to be home.

And Gola did lead the Great Men in glory; Akhenaten Lee and Josh Imhotep had eleven twelfths as much glory as did Gola, and Martin Roachmotep had five sixths, and Eric Ahmose had only half as much, as he had shamed the gods with his foolish antics.

And then there was war and famine in the land, and the five Great Men died. The farmers were sent away from their fields, and their wives were tickled in an immodest manner, and the children were all slapped.


II

Now, tenscore years later, the grandchildren of the Great Men did grow up to be Great Men of their own. And they were named Eric Tutankhamen, Joe Golakhamen, Martin Notmuchinkhamen, Josh Noodlesramen, and Mighty Joeleephus.

Golakhamen was the grandson of Gola-hap-shet, and he was even more handsome and potent than his forebear. But Golakhamen was very poor, for Gola-hap-shet had spent all of his money on sacrifices and board games.

And Golakhamen wished to buy land, but he had to go looking for bargains. The other Great Men spent money freely on the pyramids built by his ancestor, but he could only afford land with one lousy pyramid. And afterwards Golakhamen was so poor that his sacrifice was small, and he could only offer one starling and some diet cola.

And Golakhamen became poorer still, and he tried to buy another piece of land with only one lousy pyramid, but wicked Joeleephus overbid Gola and got the land for cheap.

And Gola was pissed, and he did TP the pyramid of Joeleephus, and he did shave his camel, and he did lay with his woman and father many children, and he did crap in his weaving hut. And Joeleephus was mightily sore, and he did gnash his teeth and rend his garments and gird his loins with sackcloth. And he went over to Golakhamen's pyramid and knocked on the door in anger, but Gola's servant told Joeleephus that Gola had moved to Nineveh.

Now Gola was so poor he could not afford to sacrifice to the god Amun-Re, and he stole the offerings of others, and he did feel shame. The great god was angered by this insult, and a rain of frogs fell on Golakhamen's house, and locusts did eat his grain, and a second rain of frogs fell before Gola even had time to clean up the first.

And the god Amun-Re said to Gola, "you are cruising for a smiting."

And then Gola did buy one last plot of land, and he did fulfill the covenant of Amun-Re, and he did have nine farmers for his fields and nine power cards on his lands. He even did have a triplet of three pyramids, which he thought was pretty sweet, but the camel traders had more pyramids than they had mummies to put in them, and so they rented them out to teenagers for their band practice and other sundry purposes.

And then there was a final reckoning of glory, and Eric had 38 units of glory, whereas Joeleephus had 33, whereas Martin had 29, whereas Gola had 28, whereas Josh had only 21.

And Gola did climb to the highest mountain and call upon Amun-Re, and Amun-Re did come unto him.

And Gola said, "you are the crappiest god ever."

And Amun-Re did smite Gola in a way too horrible to describe, but suffice it to say that he was thinking back fondly on the time when his biggest problem was the rain of frogs, and his ass was bitten by jackals and his children were all slapped.

These events happened in the span of a millennium, though in the eyes of the great god Amun-Re it was as if it were only a moderate amount of time, say, one and three-quarters hours.
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Re:Session Report
I've read this six times, and it's still funny as hell.

I can't wait to play Amun-Re again so I can throw toilet paper onto my neighbor's pyramid, crap in my neighbor's weaving-hut, then claim I moved to Nineveh.

laugh laugh laugh
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Yehuda Berlinger
Israel
Jerusalem
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Re:Session Report
Gola (#49076),

A hoot!

Yehuda
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Jim Campbell
United States
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Unspecified
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Re:Session Report
Gola (#49076),

Best. Session Report. Ever.

Jim
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Mary Weisbeck
United States
Black Hawk
South Dakota
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"Blow up the damned ship, Jean-Luc!"
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Re:Session Report
Gola (#49076),
Abso-freekin'-lutely brilliant! I laughed so hard, I had to take a break to catch my breath. Thanks so much.
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Mary Weisbeck
United States
Black Hawk
South Dakota
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"Blow up the damned ship, Jean-Luc!"
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Re:Session Report
sodaklady (#49722),
Oh, to let you know, I printed out a copy for when Amun-Re starts slapping me around.

Decendant of Notmuchinkhamen

(giggles escalating into hysterical laughter)
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Paul Sommer
Denmark
copenhagen downtown
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Re:Session Report
"Frightfully witty !!"-noel coward
"A classic sob story !!"-depressives weekly
"A "Don't miss" session report!!"-Greg Scholie scholies schole..you know
"Tickles your humour buds!!!"-Dr Phil
"Funnier than Wayne cockrane and the CC riders!!"-the blues brothers
"laughed so much I nearly died ..urrghh" -Tutankarmun
"we reccommeded a long enforced stay for this gentleman."-fairbanks mental health treatment center
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Matt
United States
Wilton
CT
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Re:Session Report
Gola (#49076),

Awesome. This is the best bit of creative writing I've read in ages.
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Mark Haberman
United States
Painesville
Ohio
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Re:Session Report
I actually laughed outloud in the stall when I read, "Josh Noodlesramen"

Best session report eva!
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Shin Yoo
United Kingdom
London
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Re:Session Report
Gola (#49076),
You're the man, really. Thank you for the greatest session report ever!
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Kevin Wood
United States
Alexandria
Virginia
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Re:Session Report
eh... I guess it was OK...

[burst out laughing]...

ugh, who am I kidding. Great work!meeple
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Peter Marchlewitz
Canada
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Re:Session Report
Gola (#49076),


Brilliant!

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Chris Bailey
United States
Broomfield
Colorado
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GO ROCKIES!!!!!
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Re:Session Report
For the love of Amen-Re, give this guy some GG!
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Reko Ukko
Finland
Helsinki
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Re:Session Report
Ok, that does it, one amun-re ordered. Hilarous article and I wish there were more which were done in the spirit of the game. War of the Ring succeeds well in this
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John So-And-So
United States
Fresno
California
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You and the Cap'n make it hap'n
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Re:Session Report
This review is the Pulp Fiction to Gola's John Travolta.

Best session report EVAR.
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Robert Wesley
Nepal
Aberdeen
Washington
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Re:Session Report
Gola (#49076),
meh!...it's too...'holy roller' for MY liking, 'Deity this' and 'Gawd that', I mean, it's like I wanted to exclaim-"Holy CRAP!", if I wanted to devote THIS much 'time' into something along this line, then I might as well "get a LIFE!" and raise a REAL family in place of 'playing' out one! The one thing that I don't 'get' about these 'Deities' is just WHAT in the WORLD are they going to 'do' with that ALL of that 'sacrifical CRAP' in the first place? It just seems awfully WASTEFUL, and is that 'their' message? "It's the thought that counts", well, then I 'think' that I'll 'dream up' about 'Golden Lambs' and 'Diamond Fruit' in place of letting the BEST of them go completely to WASTE upon some 'alter'! SHEEEEESH! "Oh hey, GAWD...could you USE some 'balm' for those aching muscles that YOU strained in producing and procuring this CRAP!?!"devil
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Greig
Canada
Peterborough
Ontario
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Always believe
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I went out there in search of experience, to taste and to touch and to feel as much, as a man can before he repents...
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Re:Session Report
Gola (#49076),

Now I have to buy the game so I too can crap in someone's weaving hut! Thanks for writing it and grats on having it featured elsewhere!laugh
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Clark Barbee
United States
Milwaukie
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Re:Session Report
Gola (#49076),

This is just the type of writing that makes me glad I learned to read!

Thanks.
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Geo
Greece
Athens
Marousi
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Re:Session Report
Laughed to tears!!!

laugh laugh laugh
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Joe Gola
United States
Redding
Connecticut
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Re:Session Report
Dieties got to pay their staff like everyone else, Robert. How do you think all those miracles happen anyway?

Can you go to your seraphim and cherubim and what have you and say "well, I know you want benefits and a company phaeton, but how about some prayers and a little awe and reverence instead?" Yeah, right. That and a buck ninety will get you a cup of coffee, Buddha.

On the other hand, you slip the subdeities and the logos and your household gods a sacrificial lamb, a cute little virgin, maybe a Target gift certificate, and all of the sudden things start getting done. All of the sudden the Red Sox are winning the pennant. That's the way the world works, people.

Thanks for all the nice comments, everyone.
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Robert Wesley
Nepal
Aberdeen
Washington
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Re:Session Report
Gola (#49076),
double MEH! it STILL don't answer just WHAT do they WANT with ALL of that CRAP!...in the first place! I mean, will they EAT it? DRINK it? GAZE upon it in awestruck 'glory'? 'Sex it up'~I hate to think about just WHAT they WANT with those 'dead animals'-some sort of "necrophile bestiality ORGY of the GAWDS"! ewwwwww!(Now, if they WERE still ALIVE, then that's another thing!)
"Here Daemonstrative, have a fresh Virgin corpse to revel in!"
"Why, thank YOU High Lord Phaeseasious, but, could I interest you in '72-Virginians' Today, for half as many freshly sacrificed LAMBS Tomorrow? I have a 'bris' to attend and they expect a larger than usual crowd~since a certain Johnny 'Wad' Holmes is the Guest of Honor!" laugh
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Joe Gola
United States
Redding
Connecticut
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Re:Session Report
They do the same thing with their stuff that we do with ours: they leave it around the house and show it off. When their god friends come over for cocktails they'll have a fatted calf laying around in the foyer (sort of like it was just thrown there by accident) and then when Marduk or Ganeesh brings it up they say all casual-like "oh, yeah, my followers keep giving me these...I hardly know what to do with them anymore but it's nice to know I've got a clean one if I need it in a hurry."

The thing you have to keep in mind is that when you kill something in this world and Federal Ecstasy it to a god it gets there all reborn and shiny new. So obviously those virgins are a nice little perk. You brush off some of the lava soot and they're good to go, you know what I mean?
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Anye Freer
United States
Arlington
TX
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Re:Session Report
Gola (#49076),

This session report is better than Amun-Re. I would read it again and again.

kiss
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Gerald Cameron
Canada
Unspecified
Nova Scotia
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Re:Session Report
Gola (#49076),

Ya bunch of Johnny (and Janey) come latelies.

I gave Joe GeekGold for this back when it was just a GeekJournal
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Denise Lavely
United States
Carmel
Indiana
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Re:Session Report
I now have to buy this game just so we can make references to this session report while playing it.

Thank you Joe, you make this world a better place.
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